Sickness, everybody has it
He is coming. We have tried to keep our distance, but to no avail. Distance not because we do not want to be together, but distance required due to our careers. My tongue will taste red wine off of his lips once more. I feel as if I can taste it already, finding my tongue traipsing over my lips slowly. Saturday morning I called him on the phone. Half of me was not expecting him to answer as it was right after a show he played in Anaheim, but I felt as if it was imperative to me to speak with him. It was early morning here, but I had been tossing and turning all night, which has been normal as of late.
All of our conversations these past few weeks have been similar. We discuss how we miss one another, how much misery we are in on our own with our ominous, empty beds, the things we plan to do to each other in person when we are able to lay eyes on one another one more. Hearing his voice is wholly consuming. When I am not playing, I am listening to his CDs or one of his taped recordings. Each one holds a memory, it is almost torturous. The sweetest torture I have known. There are things I know that I must live with because I chose a lover who resides across an ocean. When you care so much about a person that you are willing to agree to just about any sort of romantic situation, you know that you are in love. You find a way to make the relationship work. Right now, I cannot say that my coping mechanisms are sound, but I am trying. However, I am foreseeing an endless cycle of extreme joy and then misery dependent upon the times we get to (or not get to) spend together. I just need to find healthier things to do with my spare time or else I will completely ruin myself. If I do that, there will be nothing left for me to give and that is not fair to Rufus.
Miikka has returned to Live Journal. Please go and give him a warm re-welcome. If you are not sure who Miikka is and want to know more, you can read my welcome post about him, or Ville's welcome post. Miikka and I have not communicated as much as I would have liked to as of late, so I am very happy he is back around. He is one of the few people that could actually get me to leave the house. He has been a great support to me in the past and right now I need a close friend more than ever. I feel like most everyone else is slipping away, out of my grasp. It can get lonely.
Some of this loneliness I am sure I have brought on myself. I have withdrawn from nearly everyone. There is someone I would like to talk to, confide in, shed a million tears with, but his days are spent wrapped up in work. It is an honourable way to live, I am just different. I do not mean that I am not dedicated to the band, but I know I do not put as much effort into it as I could. I do not live, eat and breathe work. Perhaps this is a fault of mine. Honestly, I am a bit afraid that too much work will be more fruitful than I like. There are fears still within me regarding fame.
I have been exchanging letters with one of the few friends that I have been in contact with these past couple weeks. The situation is becoming increasingly difficult. Not that I do not like the letters or do not like sharing, but timing is terrible. I am hurting enough as it is without this to complicate matters. Why does that always seem to be the case? Things emerge when the timing is all wrong. Perhaps that is why certain things are being said. There is a safety net available so there is an excuse for some words being exchanged. I leave myself, my heart, open at times, susceptible to bruising. This should not be happening, where at the same time it should. No, it should not. No.
-Juska-
All of our conversations these past few weeks have been similar. We discuss how we miss one another, how much misery we are in on our own with our ominous, empty beds, the things we plan to do to each other in person when we are able to lay eyes on one another one more. Hearing his voice is wholly consuming. When I am not playing, I am listening to his CDs or one of his taped recordings. Each one holds a memory, it is almost torturous. The sweetest torture I have known. There are things I know that I must live with because I chose a lover who resides across an ocean. When you care so much about a person that you are willing to agree to just about any sort of romantic situation, you know that you are in love. You find a way to make the relationship work. Right now, I cannot say that my coping mechanisms are sound, but I am trying. However, I am foreseeing an endless cycle of extreme joy and then misery dependent upon the times we get to (or not get to) spend together. I just need to find healthier things to do with my spare time or else I will completely ruin myself. If I do that, there will be nothing left for me to give and that is not fair to Rufus.
Miikka has returned to Live Journal. Please go and give him a warm re-welcome. If you are not sure who Miikka is and want to know more, you can read my welcome post about him, or Ville's welcome post. Miikka and I have not communicated as much as I would have liked to as of late, so I am very happy he is back around. He is one of the few people that could actually get me to leave the house. He has been a great support to me in the past and right now I need a close friend more than ever. I feel like most everyone else is slipping away, out of my grasp. It can get lonely.
Some of this loneliness I am sure I have brought on myself. I have withdrawn from nearly everyone. There is someone I would like to talk to, confide in, shed a million tears with, but his days are spent wrapped up in work. It is an honourable way to live, I am just different. I do not mean that I am not dedicated to the band, but I know I do not put as much effort into it as I could. I do not live, eat and breathe work. Perhaps this is a fault of mine. Honestly, I am a bit afraid that too much work will be more fruitful than I like. There are fears still within me regarding fame.
I have been exchanging letters with one of the few friends that I have been in contact with these past couple weeks. The situation is becoming increasingly difficult. Not that I do not like the letters or do not like sharing, but timing is terrible. I am hurting enough as it is without this to complicate matters. Why does that always seem to be the case? Things emerge when the timing is all wrong. Perhaps that is why certain things are being said. There is a safety net available so there is an excuse for some words being exchanged. I leave myself, my heart, open at times, susceptible to bruising. This should not be happening, where at the same time it should. No, it should not. No.
-Juska-