:(
If you fail to plan, then you plan to fail, right?
Or not.
I PLANNED on going to FSU this Fall. I PLANNED on going there with Uma. I PLANNED on us both being able to live together and to continue our relationship. I PLANNED on being accepted by June at the LATEST since I had started my application process in April, and they got my transcripts around the 20th of May.
-Nope.
I got accepted last week.
-Yay?
Therefore there's NO TIME to pack, even if I was able to. You see, Uma can't get a transfer as a District Manager to the Tallahassee Democrat. It doesn't matter that he knows what he's doing, or that he's worked at the paper for over 5 years.
The best they could give him would be a route that would make $200 or at best, $300 a WEEK.
He makes $500 a week now. :(
There's NO WAY that without taking out some student loans would we be able to afford an apartment on the money a route plus Wendy's would bring in. :( !!
Not to mention the fact that Uma's never DONE anything else except the paper! He was at Subway for a week, but then he got fired over not washing some bread pans. He has no other experience!!
So I thought that since my health insurance runs out at the beginning of October that I would just go on ahead and maybe live in the dorm for those 4 months until Spring Semester. I was granted $2,775 for Fall Semester alone.
I also have Florida Prepaid which takes care of my tuition. And a Dorm contract that's good for 2 semesters.
So therefore, I'd only be gone for 4 months, and be able to finally get a new computer that I desperately need. (Right now I have a Dell that's 8 years old and is VERY temperamental.) Not only that, but I'd be able to use my financial aid to get my OWN insurance through Blue Cross via FSU. I'd also have money for food too. PLUS my Prepaid runs out in 2014, so even if I don't use all of my credits, they go bye-bye. /SIGH
Right now I feel extremely trapped and stifled.
Uma told me on Monday that the ring he was planning on getting me if I went away those 4 months would be a promise ring to him. But that he'd like it to be an engagement ring. He also told me that he wanted to marry me, and that he "couldn't imagine a day without me."
But I don't feel the same.
I mean, what? How could you not go a day without a person? I'm fine going without him for a week at a time. I mean, I miss him, but it's not BAD. Maybe it's because he's the 6th boyfriend I've ever had, and I'm only his 2nd. His first gf was only with him for a couple of months, and was just using him. Uma and I've been together for over 4 years!
And how do you "know" that the person's the right one for you? Is it some magical, mystical feeling that you get? Is it a beam of light from the heavens?
People ask me if I "love" him.
Well, I don't know. I CARE for him, deeply. But could I "imagine" myself with someone else? -Yes. I haven't met that person that I know of, but I "could." (Maybe my Japanese ex, Yamato, ,lollollol.)
All I want to do right now is GET AWAY from Uma and have some FREEDOM. I want to get off my anti-depressant since right now all I feel is F_L_A_T____ except for extreme emotions. Hell, I can't even CRY when I want to! >ARGH!<
Maybe then I'd be able to figure out my "true feelings" about him. He knows that I don't feel about him the way he feels about me, and sometimes I feel really guilty. :((
I HAD called the dorm people, but they said that they were all filled. I'm going to try again tomorrow, anyways, and if not, then I'm going to try this apartment complex that accepts Prepaid. However, I think I might have to live there for a year......not sure. :(
I just know that I've *FINALLY* gotten my A.A. after 7 years, and that I want to be where I'm SUPPOSED to be; at college, with people my OWN AGE; not young high school kids or really old managers. :( I'd really like to make more than minimum wage after 1 1/2 years... T-T
I just really don't know what to do. I'm burned out. :(
And who's to say that Uma would even be ABLE to get a decent job over there, if not at the newspaper. :( If I was to go off on my own, and him come later, there might not be any point to us staying together if he can't get a job. :(
I have no more energy left for this. I just want to collapse in a heap and curl into a ball and cry until I have nothing left.
Or not.
I PLANNED on going to FSU this Fall. I PLANNED on going there with Uma. I PLANNED on us both being able to live together and to continue our relationship. I PLANNED on being accepted by June at the LATEST since I had started my application process in April, and they got my transcripts around the 20th of May.
-Nope.
I got accepted last week.
-Yay?
Therefore there's NO TIME to pack, even if I was able to. You see, Uma can't get a transfer as a District Manager to the Tallahassee Democrat. It doesn't matter that he knows what he's doing, or that he's worked at the paper for over 5 years.
The best they could give him would be a route that would make $200 or at best, $300 a WEEK.
He makes $500 a week now. :(
There's NO WAY that without taking out some student loans would we be able to afford an apartment on the money a route plus Wendy's would bring in. :( !!
Not to mention the fact that Uma's never DONE anything else except the paper! He was at Subway for a week, but then he got fired over not washing some bread pans. He has no other experience!!
So I thought that since my health insurance runs out at the beginning of October that I would just go on ahead and maybe live in the dorm for those 4 months until Spring Semester. I was granted $2,775 for Fall Semester alone.
I also have Florida Prepaid which takes care of my tuition. And a Dorm contract that's good for 2 semesters.
So therefore, I'd only be gone for 4 months, and be able to finally get a new computer that I desperately need. (Right now I have a Dell that's 8 years old and is VERY temperamental.) Not only that, but I'd be able to use my financial aid to get my OWN insurance through Blue Cross via FSU. I'd also have money for food too. PLUS my Prepaid runs out in 2014, so even if I don't use all of my credits, they go bye-bye. /SIGH
Right now I feel extremely trapped and stifled.
Uma told me on Monday that the ring he was planning on getting me if I went away those 4 months would be a promise ring to him. But that he'd like it to be an engagement ring. He also told me that he wanted to marry me, and that he "couldn't imagine a day without me."
But I don't feel the same.
I mean, what? How could you not go a day without a person? I'm fine going without him for a week at a time. I mean, I miss him, but it's not BAD. Maybe it's because he's the 6th boyfriend I've ever had, and I'm only his 2nd. His first gf was only with him for a couple of months, and was just using him. Uma and I've been together for over 4 years!
And how do you "know" that the person's the right one for you? Is it some magical, mystical feeling that you get? Is it a beam of light from the heavens?
People ask me if I "love" him.
Well, I don't know. I CARE for him, deeply. But could I "imagine" myself with someone else? -Yes. I haven't met that person that I know of, but I "could." (Maybe my Japanese ex, Yamato, ,lollollol.)
All I want to do right now is GET AWAY from Uma and have some FREEDOM. I want to get off my anti-depressant since right now all I feel is F_L_A_T____ except for extreme emotions. Hell, I can't even CRY when I want to! >ARGH!<
Maybe then I'd be able to figure out my "true feelings" about him. He knows that I don't feel about him the way he feels about me, and sometimes I feel really guilty. :((
I HAD called the dorm people, but they said that they were all filled. I'm going to try again tomorrow, anyways, and if not, then I'm going to try this apartment complex that accepts Prepaid. However, I think I might have to live there for a year......not sure. :(
I just know that I've *FINALLY* gotten my A.A. after 7 years, and that I want to be where I'm SUPPOSED to be; at college, with people my OWN AGE; not young high school kids or really old managers. :( I'd really like to make more than minimum wage after 1 1/2 years... T-T
I just really don't know what to do. I'm burned out. :(
And who's to say that Uma would even be ABLE to get a decent job over there, if not at the newspaper. :( If I was to go off on my own, and him come later, there might not be any point to us staying together if he can't get a job. :(
I have no more energy left for this. I just want to collapse in a heap and curl into a ball and cry until I have nothing left.