173- Real update time~
All right kids, it's time for an actual update.
It's already almost been a month since NDK. Everyone else seems to have said most of what I wanted to say. However, I didn't have a lot of fun this time around, either. Maybe it's the curse of me going anywhere in a large group: I just don't have fun, because I tend to get lost in the shuffle of things. A big part of me doesn't want to go for the whole weekend next year, but with the amount of costumes I'm planning on doing there's no way I can just go for a day or whatever. I hope things get better by next year... but a big part of me doubts that.
Since we got back from NDK, I decided to go ahead and just drop Astronomy. I wasn't liking the way my teacher had things set up, I hadn't done any of the labs, and it was just too damn early and too much work to be worth it. Since it's the only class I'm planning on taking next semester, I'm very much interested in getting a second job. It would be nice to earn some more money, since my job at Macy's definitely doesn't pay enough for me to get everything I want. Chia actually told me about a guy she knows that owns a lot of the Subways here in town, and told me that if I was ever looking for another job to let her know, so she could tell him. x3 That's kind of exciting, I think. It'll be nice to have some extra money each week, so I can save up for a trip, buy anime, etc.
Speaking of jobs... there's a huge possibility that my dad could be losing his. And to add to that, he also has an alcohol problem. He went to work one day with alcohol on his breath... they made him take a Breathalizer and found that he did have alcohol in his system. They sent him home, and he's been there ever since, waiting for them to decide what kind of disciplinary action to take. Since he's been there for 28 years, I'm hoping that they won't fire him, or force him to retire. But since he is a police officer, they may be harsh with him. After all, they do have to set an example... Well, at least I won't have to quit school or whatever, like I thought I was going to. According to my mother, she and my dad have over a million dollars stashed away in retirement funds and the like. So, my sister can keep going to CU and I can keep going to school, as well. There won't be too many lifestyle changes, if he does lose his job. But I'm hoping he won't. That's all I know him as.
Natalie and I took a three week break from seeing each other. We both had some things to think about... like, if this was really something I wanted to continue with. We finally met again on Friday, and it was kind of a relief to talk with her. I'd had a chance to definitely rethink some things about my life, and how seriously I wanted to take therapy. When we met again, she had a list of some observations about myself. I don't remember a lot of them, but I do remember a few.
She said that I was still extremely fragile. I think that makes a lot of sense, even though I don't like the fact that I still project that kind of weakness. I like to think that I project the idea that I'm an island, and that no outside factors can bring me down or affect me. But it's still not true. Sometimes, a harsh word can still put me in a depression for a week, while a compliment can make me feel happy for two weeks.
There's also the fact that I don't really feel united in my body. A lot of the time, my head will think one thing, but my emotions will feel something completely different. It's very exhausting, wrestling with that kind of struggle every day. I wish I could just take charge and say what I really think to more people than just those extremely close to me. I'm so tired of living with this extremely divided part of myself...
The last thing that she said was the thing that really got me the most. According to her, a lot of the time she felt very connected to me. That's all well and good, until she said that the only time she could get that reaction was when she said something that I perceived as hurtful, or something that caused me pain. ...That doesn't even make sense. She asked me what happened to me, to make me feel like I deserve to be hurt or in pain all of the time... and I honestly didn't have an answer. Is it really true that I can only let in people now who have hurt me in some way? It shouldn't be like this.
After all of this realization, I was kind of walking around in a daze. It seems like I walk around in pain all of the time, even if I don't realize that it's there. I don't want that anymore... I don't want to have to go around like that. I want someone to take care of me and be protective and possessive of me, instead of me having to do all of that for myself. I hate being self-sufficient, to the point where a lot of what I need isn't getting met.
I'm not fine. That realization was the thing that scared me the most. To admit that to myself... I don't know what I even want to do with it, much less try and explain it to other people.
I'm not fine.
...I promise a less depressing update later. Once my internet is working again. xD;
It's already almost been a month since NDK. Everyone else seems to have said most of what I wanted to say. However, I didn't have a lot of fun this time around, either. Maybe it's the curse of me going anywhere in a large group: I just don't have fun, because I tend to get lost in the shuffle of things. A big part of me doesn't want to go for the whole weekend next year, but with the amount of costumes I'm planning on doing there's no way I can just go for a day or whatever. I hope things get better by next year... but a big part of me doubts that.
Since we got back from NDK, I decided to go ahead and just drop Astronomy. I wasn't liking the way my teacher had things set up, I hadn't done any of the labs, and it was just too damn early and too much work to be worth it. Since it's the only class I'm planning on taking next semester, I'm very much interested in getting a second job. It would be nice to earn some more money, since my job at Macy's definitely doesn't pay enough for me to get everything I want. Chia actually told me about a guy she knows that owns a lot of the Subways here in town, and told me that if I was ever looking for another job to let her know, so she could tell him. x3 That's kind of exciting, I think. It'll be nice to have some extra money each week, so I can save up for a trip, buy anime, etc.
Speaking of jobs... there's a huge possibility that my dad could be losing his. And to add to that, he also has an alcohol problem. He went to work one day with alcohol on his breath... they made him take a Breathalizer and found that he did have alcohol in his system. They sent him home, and he's been there ever since, waiting for them to decide what kind of disciplinary action to take. Since he's been there for 28 years, I'm hoping that they won't fire him, or force him to retire. But since he is a police officer, they may be harsh with him. After all, they do have to set an example... Well, at least I won't have to quit school or whatever, like I thought I was going to. According to my mother, she and my dad have over a million dollars stashed away in retirement funds and the like. So, my sister can keep going to CU and I can keep going to school, as well. There won't be too many lifestyle changes, if he does lose his job. But I'm hoping he won't. That's all I know him as.
Natalie and I took a three week break from seeing each other. We both had some things to think about... like, if this was really something I wanted to continue with. We finally met again on Friday, and it was kind of a relief to talk with her. I'd had a chance to definitely rethink some things about my life, and how seriously I wanted to take therapy. When we met again, she had a list of some observations about myself. I don't remember a lot of them, but I do remember a few.
She said that I was still extremely fragile. I think that makes a lot of sense, even though I don't like the fact that I still project that kind of weakness. I like to think that I project the idea that I'm an island, and that no outside factors can bring me down or affect me. But it's still not true. Sometimes, a harsh word can still put me in a depression for a week, while a compliment can make me feel happy for two weeks.
There's also the fact that I don't really feel united in my body. A lot of the time, my head will think one thing, but my emotions will feel something completely different. It's very exhausting, wrestling with that kind of struggle every day. I wish I could just take charge and say what I really think to more people than just those extremely close to me. I'm so tired of living with this extremely divided part of myself...
The last thing that she said was the thing that really got me the most. According to her, a lot of the time she felt very connected to me. That's all well and good, until she said that the only time she could get that reaction was when she said something that I perceived as hurtful, or something that caused me pain. ...That doesn't even make sense. She asked me what happened to me, to make me feel like I deserve to be hurt or in pain all of the time... and I honestly didn't have an answer. Is it really true that I can only let in people now who have hurt me in some way? It shouldn't be like this.
After all of this realization, I was kind of walking around in a daze. It seems like I walk around in pain all of the time, even if I don't realize that it's there. I don't want that anymore... I don't want to have to go around like that. I want someone to take care of me and be protective and possessive of me, instead of me having to do all of that for myself. I hate being self-sufficient, to the point where a lot of what I need isn't getting met.
I'm not fine. That realization was the thing that scared me the most. To admit that to myself... I don't know what I even want to do with it, much less try and explain it to other people.
I'm not fine.
...I promise a less depressing update later. Once my internet is working again. xD;