Jan 08, 2003 02:00
I've been so depressed lately. I just don't know what to think about myself anymore. I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I look at old pictures and hate what I've become. I told someone here recently that once a person has had actual clinical depression for a significant period of time, it's hard for them to see the point in being happy again. I'm happy but I miss my old self and what pains me the most is I know as long as I stay in my current situation, with the fucked up mindset I have, I can never be what is truly in my heart... or at least what my heart thinks to be true of the real me. I hide at livejournal from my past. I hide at psychotic;glimpse from my present and future.
It's been weird the past couple days without Keitarou. I've felt somewhat single... and I don't like it. Yes, the break was probably good for us but I want him back. I hate coming up to my room. It's empty... stagnant... bare and quiet. Despite my antisocial bubble, I'm a social person but I much prefer the company of my best friend to huge crowds. Don't get me wrong. I love my Brucelings. I'm just fragile and I'm really scared on the inside. I don't trust anyone easily. I don't like people too close to me. It takes me a long time before I let people touch me usually and there's a good reason for that. The only person I like in my bubble is Keitarou and even though he's not here that gives no one reason to invade my space (emotionally, mentally, and physically). I'm sorry if I'm weird but it creeps me out. Hugs are fine but you flirt with me one of the ppl in this joint solitude is gonna get very angry and you best just hope it's me. Let's call it a nasty childhood, a fucked over past, and a social phobia and leave it at that. Don't apologize. Just know.
None of you know me... I'd like to keep it that way in some respect. If you want to know me then ask. I may tell. Let's just say I ran away from Angelo for a reason.