Letter
Dear Spiff,
There are too many things that I even can fathom about telling you, but I'm not gonna end up screaming and crying because I actually have decent friends that care about me, rather than leaving me for someone who brainwashed you in the first place. It's so hard to keep thinking about what I could've done to make you stay around, because you were probably the closest friend I've ever had. I was there for you when you needed me and you were there for me when I needed you. I don't know how to even put my feelings into words because it's so hard to even express how I'm feeling in the first place. I hate the fact that I can't live up to your standards and change myself to suit your idealogical human being. I'm an abomination to you and whatshisface anyway, I can tell. You even told me that I was one the last time we spoke in a civilized manner over MSN. I'm sorry you don't find it appealing to be friends with someone who's not of your sexual orientation. But you had no problem with it before when we were the best of friends in the first place. All I wanted to do was move to Missouri and stay there just because we had so much in common. I loved talking to you every day, and just little things will remind me of you. Listening to Otep since you introduced her to me in the first place. Tripp pants remind me of you, now that I have a pair of my own. King Nothing reminds me of you, there are countless little things that make me depressed just because of what you put me through.
I could tell you that I need you to come back and to talk to you. But I'm not going to. Because I have actual friends that accept me for who I am, rather than disowning me simply because of how I am and my individuality. I've never lied about anything about myself, and you asking me to pray to God for him to help me change? Sorry, sister. That's not my cup of tea and I don't think you'll ever be anything but a superficial, discriminating bitch. I hate to use such words because I used to love you so much. We were like brother and sister. I could confide in you whenever I needed to and... god, I can't even see the keyboard because I'm crying so hard. No matter what I do, you'll never accept me for who I am. You'll just keep on going, ignoring people who love you, disowning them and treating them like utter shit. You meant the world to me and I looked up to you like a big sister myself, you know? I don't even remember if I was older than you or not now. Isn't that a laugh? We haven't spoken in so long I keep forgetting the things that were so easy to remember back then...
I have friends now that won't do that to me. Jennifer means the world to me, even if I don't show it that much. She's a lesbian too, so I'm sure you'd just hate her guts just like you hate mine. But she accepts me. She's a big sister to me and no matter what, she'll always love and protect me when I need it. Seems like you wouldn't do that, though. I love her to death and there's nothing that could tear me apart from her. She loves people with all her heart, and even if we do have our spats every now and again, we still love each other. Maria... god. She's one of the lights of my life. I always look forward to talking to her and I know even if she does turn into a Christian like you did, she'd have the decency to at least talk to me and accept me for who I am, rather than abandoning me and making me worry for so long. I can't understand what made you abandon me, a friend of nearly three or four years who always accepted you for who you were. You know what? I don't care anymore, really. Because friends like Jenn, Maria, Ren... they light up my life and make my life have meaning. You did that once, but you're nothing to me now.
Ren is such a sweetie. I can't ever get mad at her, she's never angry at me, and even if she is angry, she still makes it seem so cute. I want to spend my life with these people, knowing they'll always be there for me. They won't run off with some boyfriend who shows up out of nowhere and brainwashes you. Since two thirds of those three people are lesbians anyway, I figure that lesbians would be more accepting of gay people. I don't know what got into your mind. The big sister I used to love and cherish disappeared and a hateful woman appeared. When you were under house arrest, who was there to help you and console you when you wanted to go see your friends? I was. When your parents disagreed with you and chewed you out, who was there to comfort you? I was. I'm a lot better person than you or your fucking boyfriend, and I don't care who has to say anything about it.
People like you piss me off. You discriminate against people because of their choices or beliefs. Your whole religion is a fucking joke. I regret ever even believing you in the first place and becoming one for about five or six months. You nearly brainwashed me too, and if I turn into a heterosexual one day, maybe I end up getting feelings again for girls, well. I'm not going to be fucking talking to you, because I'm going to be a lot more accepting of gay people than you ever were.
Despite all that, you know what's ironic?
If you came to me and begged me to forgive you, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Because even after all the ranting I've done and whatnot, I still love you. I hope that you'll come back and end up the way you were before. I hope you can find it in your heart to forget about all that's happened with your boyfriend and Shawn. I want you to come back and talk to me, because I love you still. You'll always have a place in my heart, even if the hurt stings me so bad I end up crying.
My fingers hurt and my eyes sting. My throat's dry, my body's shaking.
You'll always have a place with me, Spiff. Hannah. Sis.
So come back when you want. If you ever do.
-Ross-
There are too many things that I even can fathom about telling you, but I'm not gonna end up screaming and crying because I actually have decent friends that care about me, rather than leaving me for someone who brainwashed you in the first place. It's so hard to keep thinking about what I could've done to make you stay around, because you were probably the closest friend I've ever had. I was there for you when you needed me and you were there for me when I needed you. I don't know how to even put my feelings into words because it's so hard to even express how I'm feeling in the first place. I hate the fact that I can't live up to your standards and change myself to suit your idealogical human being. I'm an abomination to you and whatshisface anyway, I can tell. You even told me that I was one the last time we spoke in a civilized manner over MSN. I'm sorry you don't find it appealing to be friends with someone who's not of your sexual orientation. But you had no problem with it before when we were the best of friends in the first place. All I wanted to do was move to Missouri and stay there just because we had so much in common. I loved talking to you every day, and just little things will remind me of you. Listening to Otep since you introduced her to me in the first place. Tripp pants remind me of you, now that I have a pair of my own. King Nothing reminds me of you, there are countless little things that make me depressed just because of what you put me through.
I could tell you that I need you to come back and to talk to you. But I'm not going to. Because I have actual friends that accept me for who I am, rather than disowning me simply because of how I am and my individuality. I've never lied about anything about myself, and you asking me to pray to God for him to help me change? Sorry, sister. That's not my cup of tea and I don't think you'll ever be anything but a superficial, discriminating bitch. I hate to use such words because I used to love you so much. We were like brother and sister. I could confide in you whenever I needed to and... god, I can't even see the keyboard because I'm crying so hard. No matter what I do, you'll never accept me for who I am. You'll just keep on going, ignoring people who love you, disowning them and treating them like utter shit. You meant the world to me and I looked up to you like a big sister myself, you know? I don't even remember if I was older than you or not now. Isn't that a laugh? We haven't spoken in so long I keep forgetting the things that were so easy to remember back then...
I have friends now that won't do that to me. Jennifer means the world to me, even if I don't show it that much. She's a lesbian too, so I'm sure you'd just hate her guts just like you hate mine. But she accepts me. She's a big sister to me and no matter what, she'll always love and protect me when I need it. Seems like you wouldn't do that, though. I love her to death and there's nothing that could tear me apart from her. She loves people with all her heart, and even if we do have our spats every now and again, we still love each other. Maria... god. She's one of the lights of my life. I always look forward to talking to her and I know even if she does turn into a Christian like you did, she'd have the decency to at least talk to me and accept me for who I am, rather than abandoning me and making me worry for so long. I can't understand what made you abandon me, a friend of nearly three or four years who always accepted you for who you were. You know what? I don't care anymore, really. Because friends like Jenn, Maria, Ren... they light up my life and make my life have meaning. You did that once, but you're nothing to me now.
Ren is such a sweetie. I can't ever get mad at her, she's never angry at me, and even if she is angry, she still makes it seem so cute. I want to spend my life with these people, knowing they'll always be there for me. They won't run off with some boyfriend who shows up out of nowhere and brainwashes you. Since two thirds of those three people are lesbians anyway, I figure that lesbians would be more accepting of gay people. I don't know what got into your mind. The big sister I used to love and cherish disappeared and a hateful woman appeared. When you were under house arrest, who was there to help you and console you when you wanted to go see your friends? I was. When your parents disagreed with you and chewed you out, who was there to comfort you? I was. I'm a lot better person than you or your fucking boyfriend, and I don't care who has to say anything about it.
People like you piss me off. You discriminate against people because of their choices or beliefs. Your whole religion is a fucking joke. I regret ever even believing you in the first place and becoming one for about five or six months. You nearly brainwashed me too, and if I turn into a heterosexual one day, maybe I end up getting feelings again for girls, well. I'm not going to be fucking talking to you, because I'm going to be a lot more accepting of gay people than you ever were.
Despite all that, you know what's ironic?
If you came to me and begged me to forgive you, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Because even after all the ranting I've done and whatnot, I still love you. I hope that you'll come back and end up the way you were before. I hope you can find it in your heart to forget about all that's happened with your boyfriend and Shawn. I want you to come back and talk to me, because I love you still. You'll always have a place in my heart, even if the hurt stings me so bad I end up crying.
My fingers hurt and my eyes sting. My throat's dry, my body's shaking.
You'll always have a place with me, Spiff. Hannah. Sis.
So come back when you want. If you ever do.
-Ross-