(no subject)
i've never felt so blank in my entire life. i can't even explain it. i spend six hours being bored out of my mind, bored and braindead and just existing. not thinking not really moving just fucking sitting there. and then i go to matthews and he leaves for an hour and i just sit there some more. i don't feel anything. i don't feel alive awake dead alseep tired scared anything. no thought process, nothing. so then he comes home and he sits with me for a little while and then he falls asleep. so i lay there. and i don't feel anything. i can't even fucking think of anything. i'm not even kidding, when i try to go to sleep or start semi-dreaming it involves value craft. it honestly does. it's like i'm still at work. like it's never ending. so i'm laying there fucking going crazy but not really going crazy because i don't even know what i am thinking or if i am thinking and then i tell him i'm going to leave and for some reason i get really upset at him. but i just can't stand being there anymore like i really really had to fucking leave because i was going insane. i was so bored and blank and nothing that i had to atleast move. i'm still that way. i don't think i can stand doing this for much longer.