Those Things We Can Not Take Back
Title: Those Things We Can Not Take Back
Rating: G
Word Count: 5,086
Genre: Romance
Fandom: Junjou Romantica
Pairings: Usami/Misaki, (mention of Takano/Onodera)
Warnings: Romance and more ooey gooey romance
Summary: In life, and especially in love, there are certain things that once said, or once given, can never really be taken back. Misaki and Usami will find that those things they can not take back will be the few, precious things that determine their future as a couple. Based off the song "Lucky" by Jason Mraz.
Silver sequined drapes hung loosely around the ballroom entrance, standing like sparkling guardians at shimmering attention. Staff and attendants hurried through the curtains creating a wave effect of light across each metallic disc. Light that, Misaki quickly realized, was coming from the grand chandeliers hanging like jeweled clouds from the parquet ceiling. Everything about the hallway, from its thick brocade carpets to its pearlescent, textured walls, practically screamed wealth and high class. No wonder the travel books listed this as the only five-star hotel in Tokyo worth visiting.
“Right this way, Sir.” Misaki followed the lead of a young, well-manicured server and stepped through the drapery. If the hallway was the picture of sophistication, than the ballroom its self was pure opulence. Is this what Usagi’s publicist had meant by ‘old Hollywood glamour’? Her arrival at the penthouse earlier that day had been unexpected to say the least, and at the worst possible time. The conversation she interrupted had plagued Misaki all day. A dark sense of foreboding clouded his mind, and as hard as he tried, he couldn’t shake the feeling that his and Usagi’s actions that morning had spoken in a volume so much louder than the combination of their voices.
//8 hours earlier//
“You aren’t hungry?”
“Not particularly,” Usagi answered, never lifting his head from the open newspaper.
“The coffee is better today. I think I have finally figured out how to work that fancy new brewing system.” Misaki fidgeted with the linen napkin in his lap, picking at a loose thread so that he could prolong the inevitable time in which he would lift his head, only to see Usagi’s still buried in that paper. “I think I might actually prefer coffee to tea, at least for breakfast anyway. It just seems to do a better job waking me up and I know you know how hard that can be…”
“Misaki please shut up.”
Usagi’s voice echoed inside Misaki’s mind. Shut up… shut up… could he even remember a time when Usagi had ever uttered those words in conversation? Even in his tirades, Usagi never used such phrasing, feeling that terms like ‘shut up’ were vulgar and far too common for someone of his stature. Come to think of it, he was acting really strange in general. On any given morning, Usagi would normally eat every bite of breakfast, followed up by a few gallons of coffee and then the morning would round out with at least a few kisses… or more… and truly there was no need to get on that train of thought at such an early hour but its Usagi and well, that train never really left his station Misaki figured. But this morning, and for the past few mornings, he was eerily quiet as he pushed bits of food around the plate. A quiet Usagi was a different creature all together.
Misaki chanced a look up, breaking his feigned concentration on the napkin. Pale grey eyes met his own, causing him to swallow against the familiar lump in his throat. So, not looking at his paper after all! Quickly Misaki tried to think of something, anything to say or do but he was much too slow. Before Misaki could utter one word, the man across from him lifted from the chair to round the table and close the space between them. With great care, Usagi placed his hands on either arm rest and bent down to bring their faces together.
“Are you ready to listen now, Misaki?” The sound of his name in Usagi’s deep timbre made him tremble with uncontrollable need. Damn his body, a traitor to the cause! Still unable to speak, Misaki nodded slowly in response.
“I would like very much for you to have this,” Usami stated simply. With a swift motion, he reached into the pocket of his khakis and retrieved a small, black box. Watching Misaki’s reaction intently, he lifted the lid to show a pure silver ring nestled inside.
Usami kept still and quiet, not wanting to cause the tender boy in front of him to run. Misaki was prone to fleeing which is why it worked best to trap him in a chair or against a wall. The mental image of the latter made Usami’s blood run hot with need. Taking a deep breath, he calmed his desires. This was no time to push. For once, Usami wanted to allow Misaki’s true reaction to come forth… this ring was far too important for anything else.
“It looks familiar somehow,” Misaki mumbled. Removing his left hand from the chair arm, Usami brought it forth to show a ring fitted to his own finger. “Ah, I see… so they are a matched set then?”
“Yes, mine was made for me by my mother. Yours was made at my request some months ago. I have been waiting for the right time to present you with it.” Usami made the first move because truly he couldn’t stand to wait any longer. Plucking the delicate ring from the box, he took hold of his lover’s hand to place the token softly in his palm. “I do hope you like it, Misaki.”
“Oh well, yeah it is really nice,” Misaki answered as he reached back to remove his necklace.
“What are you doing?”
“Wearing the ring, of course. It’s obviously special so I figured I would wear it with my brother’s necklace, being that it is special too. I mean, it’s not a wedding ring or anything so it might be nice to be cool and trendy for once.” Misaki laughed weakly, hoping to see Usagi smile.
Those gray eyes turned dark in an instant. Misaki tried to get up but Usagi wouldn’t move. Quite the opposite, he actually brought their bodies closer than before, his hand moving to the ring which now hung lifeless from the thick necklace chain. “It is obvious now that we have very different meanings of the word ‘special’, Misaki.” With a firm jerk, Usagi snapped the chain and stood up. Pocketing the ring, he turned to leave.
“What is wrong with you? First you give me a ring out of the blue, then you take it right back? I said it was nice and it was special, what more do you want from me?!” The volume of his own voice startled Misaki, as did the anger coursing through him. How dare Usagi sulk around all morning, then turn around and act like this! And, to top it off, the jerk broke the only thing his brother ever gave to him. It was almost unforgivable. “Well, are you just going to stand there?”
“If I turn around now, I might do something I will regret,” Usagi whispered. The unnaturally icy response caught Misaki off guard. Usually when he yelled, Usagi responded in kind.
“Why are you blowing this so out of proportion? It’s a ring, that’s all. It’s not like we’re some sappy couple in love, right?” Misaki asked jokingly, poking Usagi’s in the back. “Now give it back and let’s finish breakfast, okay?” He stepped forward, wrapping his arms around the older man’s middle, hoping the change of tone would calm Usagi’s tirade.
“Thank you for the meal.” Without another word, Usagi broke free of Misaki’s hold and retreated to the confines of his office. The door closed with a resounding thud, the force enough to shake the walls. Misaki fought the urge to follow him. Desperately he wanted to make things right, but from experience he knew that Usagi just needed time. The anger would fade and sooner than Misaki could handle, he’d be back to a routine of molestation each morning after finishing his coffee and eggs. Yes, that is surely how things would be, as they had been so many times before.
Misaki sighed, telling himself over and again that it would all work out. Glancing down, he spotted the necklace, now twisted and broken, lying dejectedly on the floor. A quick flash of anger pulsed through him, yet as he bent to pick up the chain, the anger pooled low in his chest turning to a seed of worry. No matter how much he told himself that Usagi would come around, that feeling of worry never faded. Something about this fight felt different and truly unsettling.
“Well, maybe I should say something,” Misaki said aloud. Crossing the room, he came to stand by the large, oak door that lead to Usagi’s office and library. “Usagi, I…”
“Hello, Usami-san?!” The shrill voice echoed off the arched ceiling of the foyer. “Did you forget our meeting today?”
“Certainly not. Join me in the office, won’t you?” Usagi called from beyond the door.
As fast as her high heels would take her, Usagi’s newest publicist crossed the main living room and with a curt nod in Misaki’s direction, disappeared behind the once again closed door.
/////////////
He’d felt it then, standing on the other side of Usagi’s office door, just as he felt it there in the ballroom. Separation. A distinct and eerie space between him and the man he’d come to know so well. Though Usagi stood but a few feet away, idly chatting with a group of well-dressed and surely well-to-do guest, Misaki felt as if oceans lie between them and for the first time since their fateful meeting, Misaki felt totally alone.
“Whoa, I knew this was a launch party but Usami Akihiko’s launch party?!” A slender young man came to stand close, his shy smile instantly putting Misaki at ease. “Onodera Ritsu, junior editor, pleased to meet you…”
“….Takahashi Misaki, college student.”
“So who are you hiding from?” Onodera asked bluntly. At Misaki’s surprised expression, he continued on. “I, myself, am hiding from my boss. See the tall, dark haired, intimidating man in the thin, wire glasses… that’s him. Our relationship is, well, complicated.” Letting his voice drift off, Onodera broke his gaze and returned his attention to Misaki. “You wouldn’t be here in the far corner of the room if you weren’t hiding from someone.”
“Well, see the man your boss is talking too?”
“Of course, that’s Usami Akihiko… what’s your point?”
“That is who I’m hiding from. He’s my roommate and well… our relationship is complicated,” Misaki mumbled, unsure really of how to describe their unusual connection. The fact that Onodera’s mouth fell wide open didn’t encourage Misaki to continue. How do you tell someone, especially a total stranger, that you and the most sought after author in Japan were… well… doing what it was that they do? “Like I said… complicated.”
“I’m sorry for my reaction but I have only met a few people who have even spoken with Usami-san, but I’ve never heard of anyone having lived with him.”
“Sometimes I wonder if that wasn’t for a reason,” Misaki whispered, mostly to himself, seeing as how Onodera had returned to watching his boss intently. For someone trying to avoid another person, Onodera seemed to be giving quite a bit of attention to his boss. “So you said you were a junior editor, right? I suppose that would make your boss an editor, which would make sense as to why he and Usami seem so friendly.”
“I would be happy to answer that another time, seeing as how it seems that we have been spotted,” Onodera muttered quickly. With a curt nod, the young man turned and headed for the opposite side of the ballroom. Misaki watched him go, wondering just what kind of boss would inspire such strange, erratic behavior in his junior employees.
He didn’t wonder for very long because when his eyes returned to the boss in question, he noticed that now there were two onlookers. Usagi’s glare turned hot as their eyes locked. Tension, thick and palpable, filled the enormous space between them, causing that all too familiar knot to tighten in Misaki’s chest. So now Usagi knew Misaki had indeed been listening to his conversation with the publicist and had made sure to make an appearance at this all too important launch party. Though, Misaki failed to catch exactly WHY this party was so important, but after the morning’s fallout, he knew it would mean something to Usagi if he showed. At least he hoped it would.
“Usami, is something the matter?” Takano asked, politely trying to gain his friend’s attention once more.
“Nothing at all, but I would ask to be excused for a few moments, if you don’t mind.” Usami watched as Takano took his leave and headed for the opposite end of the ballroom. If he wasn’t mistaken, and he so very rarely was, Takano would be off to find the young junior editor that more often than not could be found at his side. Usami doubted if anyone else even noticed just how much time the two spent together, but then again, Usami doubted if anyone else had the experience to notice such things. After all his time spent with Misaki, Usami was now an expert at secret love affairs.
Love? That was a poor choice of words. Hadn’t Misaki said that very morning that they weren’t some sappy couple in love? And yet, there he was with the word so readily on his mind. If only Misaki had stayed at home. It was quite obvious the little spy had overheard at least part of his conversation with the new publicist this morning, much to Usami’s chagrin. This night would be much easier if every time Usami turned around, he didn’t catch a glimpse of the awkward young man in the corner. And when their eyes had met just then… it was almost too much to bear.
Usami willed himself to turn away, to find anywhere else to go and anyone else to watch, but his gaze held steadfast and somewhere a part of him desperately wished Misaki to look up once more. Rationally he knew the boy would not. Misaki was nothing if not passive. Yet still, he watched for a moment longer, taking in as much as he could with the precious time he had left alone. For once, Misaki looked as if he actually belonged among the well-dressed guests at the party, having chosen a charcoal suit and starched, pink shirt for himself. The outfit was finished with the alligator wing-tips that Usami gave him as a birthday gift, as well as the matching alligator-banded wrist watch. Usami’s good taste must be wearing off for his partner to have dressed himself in something so fashionable. Either that, or everything else was dirty and the boy had yet to do laundry. The latter was much more likely.
Why would Misaki wear those shoes and watch after what was said this morning? Even more strange, why would he even bother to make an appearance there that night? He could have just as easily stayed at the penthouse, especially since crowds of rich and well-do-to people made him exorbitantly more nervous than usual. Nothing about Misaki’s choices ever made much sense to Usami, but this night was truly confusing.
“Usami-san, we are ready for you,” a slight young woman said, her voice barely above a whisper. Usami took one last look at his lover and with a sigh, switch gears entirely.
“Thank you very much for your hard work tonight. The stage looks lovely.” As Usami turned and headed to the middle of the ballroom, he heard a faint swoon from behind. Of course, it never failed. If only he enjoyed being with women as much as men, his life thus far would have been much easier.
“Good evening everyone, and welcome to the launch party for The Snow Falls Lightly novel. Akihiko-san has graciously agreed to a short question and answer segment, so please be polite and quick with your most important inquiries regarding this amazing novel.” With a flurry of polite claps and friendly murmurs, Misaki watched as Usagi took the stage. In a slight state of shock, Misaki couldn’t help but move forward, making his way slowly to the side of the platform. Usagi, on a literal pedestal, in front of a crowd of total strangers not only to speak but to actually interact and answer questions?! The world must be ending. There could be no other explanation as to why the introverted, soft-spoken man would put himself in such a compromising position.
Usagi cleared his throat, straightening the silk scarf hanging loose around his neck before taking a hold of the microphone. “Thank you all for coming tonight. Please proceed with your questions.”
Yup, it must be the end of the world.
“Usami-san, were you concerned with the reception from the literary community in regards to the unconventional relationship between your two main characters?”
“No. As with all of my novels, I write the stories I would like to read. As for the opinion of others, that is out of my control and there for none of my concern,” Usagi stated simply.
“So you haven’t been fazed at all with the negative reviews of the so-called ‘odd couple’?” The reporter followed up.
“No.”
The reporters and journalists quickly scrawled notes, each one seemingly impressed by the man’s cool nature and devil-may-care attitude. For a moment, Misaki found himself impressed as well. That is until Usagi removed his glasses and cleaned the already spotless lenses with his scarf. It was then Misaki saw just how nervous he truly was. Instantly, Misaki felt the tightening knot in his chest. He ached to comfort Usagi, to wrap his arms around the older man and nuzzle his neck and whisper all the little things Misaki knew would make Usagi smile. At that moment, their argument early that morning seemed silly and insignificant. All that mattered was Usagi. All that Misaki could see, think about and care for was Usagi.
It was an all-too-familiar sensation, the world falling away, and one that normally scared Misaki with its intensity. Yet standing there, watching Usagi fidget beneath the scrutiny of the crowded room, Misaki felt no fear at all… only… warmth and tenderness. Allowing the words of the journalists to go quiet in his mind, Misaki kept his eyes firmly on Usagi, fervently wishing the man would look his way.
It could have been hours that passed, though more likely it was just a few minutes. The questions were coming like rapid fire, the journalists getting more and more frenzied in their attack. Words passed senselessly into Misaki’s ears, none of them gaining too much of his attention… that is until one word fell from mouth of the only female reporter in the room.
“…gay?” Wait… what?!
“I was unable to hear your question, Miss. Would you mind repeating it?” Usagi asked politely. For once, Misaki was thankful that Usagi read his mind!
“I asked if you would classify the characters in your novel as gay.”
“Yes.”
“With all of your novels, you always say you write from experience and in some way, the characters are based off the people in your own life. Were these two characters also written that way?”
“Yes. It is no coincidence that the hero of the novel bears a shocking resemblance to me.” The room fell silent; everyone focused intently on the back and forth conversation between Usagi and the young woman.
“And the love interest? Was he modeled after someone special in your life?”
“Yes,” Usagi answered as the whole room erupted in shocked gasps and fervent whispers.
Was this really happening? Was the foremost author in Japan really saying what everyone thought he was saying? Misaki couldn’t believe it. Dumbfounded, he stood, mouth agape, waiting for the question that most certainly would come next.
“If you don’t mind me clarifying, are you stating that you, Usami Akihiko, are in a committed relationship with another man?”
Usagi paused, taking a deep breath and finally scanning the room, stopping only when his eyes found Misaki. A red-hot blush crept up the sides of Misaki’s cheeks. Usagi didn’t smile. He didn’t nod his head. He didn’t move so much as to blink but his eyes said it all. This was the reason for the party. This was why he’d hired a new publicist. This was why he’d been so tense for days and probably why he’d acted so strangely that morning. His career was about to take a drastic turn and it all came down to this one moment, this one answer.
“Yes. Thank you all for coming tonight and I hope you enjoy the remainder of your evening.” With that, despite the onslaught of questions being shouted, Usagi gallantly left the stage and exited the ballroom.
“Usagi, wait!” Usami stopped, knowing that quivering voice all too well.
“Not here, Misaki,” he said before continuing down the empty hallway. Coming upon a set of gilded doors, Usami pushed his way through to find a wide, stone balcony spread out beneath his feet.
With his back to the door, Usami leaned forward, resting his elbows upon the railing. The cold from the dark stone quickly seeped through the fabric of his suit and shirt beneath, but he didn’t mind. The chill was refreshing and did much to erase the cramped, stuffy feeling trapped inside his chest. He was glad to be away from that ballroom and even more so to no longer be standing up on that stage. His publicist warned him how difficult that stunt would be, but he’d insisted weeks ago that he would be up to it. If this morning had gone as planned, he would have been.
Hearing the doors close with a soft click, Usami knew without looking that Misaki was standing right behind him. He could clearly imagine the boy in his head: standing primarily on one foot while the other scuffs at the ground, his delicate hands kneading together in worry as he chewed slightly on that adorable, pink bottom lip. And then, when he finally got up the courage, Misaki would try to speak only to trip all over his words.
“I… well, Usagi… uhm…”
“Save your words, Misaki.” Usami turned finally, the sight of his lover’s face enough to stop his heart. His eyes were wide and round, the moonlight reflecting upon the streaks of fresh tears running down his face. He looked vulnerable and delicate, like soft porcelain, and Usami fought the urge to wipe away those glistening tears. “You did not have to come tonight, Misaki.”
“I thought it…mm…might mean something if I did,” Misaki stuttered. “I heard you and your publicist talking about how important tonight was, I just didn’t know why. I guess I do now.”
“I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but I believe it is time for you to return to the penthouse.” Usagi’s voice was cold, and he refused to even look at Misaki! He knew Usagi would react this way, but he just couldn’t back down. This felt far too important to let go.
“What is wrong with you, Usagi? Ever since this morning you have been completely shut down.”
“I do not have time to explain what should be apparent.”
“You need to make time!” Misaki shouted, feeling a quick sense of triumph at the shock that played across Usagi’s face. “I wasn’t the one who started all of this. It was you and your wishy washy gift-giving. Why would you even give me a gift in the first place if you just planned to take it away?”
“You refused to wear it properly; therefore I was forced to reclaim the gift. I did nothing wrong, Misaki.” The icy tone returned, the momentary shock having faded back into the mask of indifference Usagi had worked so long to perfect.
“Of course you did something wrong… you gave me a ring and took it back,” Misaki sobbed, the tears falling one after another. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried this much, and honestly, he wasn’t even sure why the thought of that ring being taken away flooded his mind with overwhelming sadness. But it did. His heart ached, exposed and raw, as he waited for a response from Usagi.
“You told me you loved me and took it back,” Usami whispered, watching as Misaki’s eyes grew wide once more. The boy stood, unmoving except for the heaving shutter of his thin chest. “You remember, do you not?”
Usami rested one hip against the railing, looking off and away above Misaki’s head, finding he was unable to explain whilst watching the boy’s reaction. “We were in Kyoto for my most recent book tour. It was our last night in the city and we celebrated with a decadent dinner in the hotel restaurant and an even more luscious dessert in bed.” A red flush crept up Misaki’s neck to settle hot and bright upon his round cheeks. So, he did remember.
Pausing to gather his nerve, Usami cleared his throat before continuing: “After hours together in bed, and hours spent at book signings earlier in the day, I was thoroughly exhausted. I remember closing my eyes and wrapping my arms around you as I drifted off towards sleep. And just as I was fading away, I heard you speak. Your voice was just a soft whisper, but there was no mistaking the three words you said- ‘I love you’. I didn’t return the words, I didn’t dare move for fear that you would run away. But you said them and I felt them. The next morning I awoke early to spend some time at a local jeweler, crafting the ring that would match mine. It was the moment I walked out of the shop that I knew the exact path of my future. It was you. It was always you. And it was there the idea for my next novel was born. I knew it would be risky, but I also understood that if I was to commit myself to you, I needed to do that publicly and with no remorse. Over the next few months created a work of literature unheard of in the realm of dramatic fiction- the torrid love affair of two men- and I worked with the new publicist to create a launch party for that novel where I would present my true self to the literary world. Everything was going as planned… that is until this morning,” Usami stopped, the expression on his lover’s face telling him there was no need to go further.
“All of this was for me?” Misaki asked. Usagi nodded solemnly in response. Realization dawned in an instant, the series of events leading up to that moment falling into a total sense. The awkward moods, the quiet mornings, the new publicist and, of course, the ring.
The ring, oh god and he’d just shrugged it off like it meant nothing when really…
“Oh no,” he sobbed softly.
“And you are unhappy with that fact?” Usagi asked.
“Why didn’t you tell me? This was a huge step, Usagi! You could have told me and I would have supported you but instead I watched you up there, being criticized by everyone and… I couldn’t… b-bear it.” Misaki choked on the last words, fighting back a barrage of tears. Usagi looked so uncomfortable up on that stage and even now, standing in front of just Misaki, he looked incredibly distant as if pulling away from the situation would prepare him for all the negative outcomes circling in his ever-calculating mind.
Usagi tilted his head in defeat. Those grey eyes were tired, the joyful and somewhat childlike curiosity completely washed away. He looked, for once, his age. He looked terribly unhappy. Before he could stop himself with rational reasons not to, Misaki closed the distance between their bodies, tucking his face into the cool silk of Usagi’s shirt.
“I’m sorry for messing everything up.” The apology was far too simple, but he’d meant it whole-heartedly just the same. He only hoped Usagi could forgive him.
“Do not bother apologizing.” Usagi pulled away, gently prying himself from Misaki’s arms.
“I am to blame, Misaki, not you. If only I could have found the courage to speak my mind this morning, I feel our evening would have turned out much differently.”
Misaki opened his mouth to speak, but Usagi cut him off with an all-too-familiar grin. “Then again, this evening is far from over.”
As if in slow motion, Misaki watched as his lover, the man who always stood so proud and tall humbly lowered himself onto one knee.
“In the many years of my life, I never put much faith in happiness, or peace, or love. For so long, I contented myself to the solemn fact that I, Usami Akihiko, would spend my time alone. It wasn’t an easy choice, and certainly not one I enjoyed making, but I felt it was the only way I could exist without pain. I had all but given up on the idea that any of that would change…”
“And then there you were,” Usami whispered, taking Misaki’s trembling hand.
“Takahashi Misaki, you are the greatest joy I could ever imagine for myself, and I would be honored if you would become my husband.” Reaching inside his breast pocket, Usami retrieved the ring he’d rescued from the penthouse floor that morning.
“Yes,” Misaki whimpered. There was no hesitation, no motion to flee. The boy stood still, completely at ease with the word he’d spoken. Usami never imagined it could happen, but the moment he slipped that ring onto Misaki’s slender finger, he felt the warm comfort of absolute content. In that moment, Usami Akihiko realized exactly what it felt like to find true love.
Slowly, Usami lifted up from the floor, his arms snaking around Misaki as he brought their lips together for a tender kiss. “I love you, Misaki.”
“I love you too, Akihiko.” The shock of hearing his name fall from those lips was almost enough to make his heart burst. He closed his eyes, letting his forehead rest against Misaki’s. Their breath mingled, and Usami smiled at the simple intimacy.
“Let’s go home,” Misaki said, grasping Usami’s hand and tugging slightly. There was a devious glint in those green eyes that told Usami that he’d been correct in speaking… this evening was certainly far from over. As the lithe boy tugged him away from the stone balcony, Usami felt overwhelmingly lucky to be in love with his best friend. Lucky to be going home again, hand in hand.
Rating: G
Word Count: 5,086
Genre: Romance
Fandom: Junjou Romantica
Pairings: Usami/Misaki, (mention of Takano/Onodera)
Warnings: Romance and more ooey gooey romance
Summary: In life, and especially in love, there are certain things that once said, or once given, can never really be taken back. Misaki and Usami will find that those things they can not take back will be the few, precious things that determine their future as a couple. Based off the song "Lucky" by Jason Mraz.
Silver sequined drapes hung loosely around the ballroom entrance, standing like sparkling guardians at shimmering attention. Staff and attendants hurried through the curtains creating a wave effect of light across each metallic disc. Light that, Misaki quickly realized, was coming from the grand chandeliers hanging like jeweled clouds from the parquet ceiling. Everything about the hallway, from its thick brocade carpets to its pearlescent, textured walls, practically screamed wealth and high class. No wonder the travel books listed this as the only five-star hotel in Tokyo worth visiting.
“Right this way, Sir.” Misaki followed the lead of a young, well-manicured server and stepped through the drapery. If the hallway was the picture of sophistication, than the ballroom its self was pure opulence. Is this what Usagi’s publicist had meant by ‘old Hollywood glamour’? Her arrival at the penthouse earlier that day had been unexpected to say the least, and at the worst possible time. The conversation she interrupted had plagued Misaki all day. A dark sense of foreboding clouded his mind, and as hard as he tried, he couldn’t shake the feeling that his and Usagi’s actions that morning had spoken in a volume so much louder than the combination of their voices.
//8 hours earlier//
“You aren’t hungry?”
“Not particularly,” Usagi answered, never lifting his head from the open newspaper.
“The coffee is better today. I think I have finally figured out how to work that fancy new brewing system.” Misaki fidgeted with the linen napkin in his lap, picking at a loose thread so that he could prolong the inevitable time in which he would lift his head, only to see Usagi’s still buried in that paper. “I think I might actually prefer coffee to tea, at least for breakfast anyway. It just seems to do a better job waking me up and I know you know how hard that can be…”
“Misaki please shut up.”
Usagi’s voice echoed inside Misaki’s mind. Shut up… shut up… could he even remember a time when Usagi had ever uttered those words in conversation? Even in his tirades, Usagi never used such phrasing, feeling that terms like ‘shut up’ were vulgar and far too common for someone of his stature. Come to think of it, he was acting really strange in general. On any given morning, Usagi would normally eat every bite of breakfast, followed up by a few gallons of coffee and then the morning would round out with at least a few kisses… or more… and truly there was no need to get on that train of thought at such an early hour but its Usagi and well, that train never really left his station Misaki figured. But this morning, and for the past few mornings, he was eerily quiet as he pushed bits of food around the plate. A quiet Usagi was a different creature all together.
Misaki chanced a look up, breaking his feigned concentration on the napkin. Pale grey eyes met his own, causing him to swallow against the familiar lump in his throat. So, not looking at his paper after all! Quickly Misaki tried to think of something, anything to say or do but he was much too slow. Before Misaki could utter one word, the man across from him lifted from the chair to round the table and close the space between them. With great care, Usagi placed his hands on either arm rest and bent down to bring their faces together.
“Are you ready to listen now, Misaki?” The sound of his name in Usagi’s deep timbre made him tremble with uncontrollable need. Damn his body, a traitor to the cause! Still unable to speak, Misaki nodded slowly in response.
“I would like very much for you to have this,” Usami stated simply. With a swift motion, he reached into the pocket of his khakis and retrieved a small, black box. Watching Misaki’s reaction intently, he lifted the lid to show a pure silver ring nestled inside.
Usami kept still and quiet, not wanting to cause the tender boy in front of him to run. Misaki was prone to fleeing which is why it worked best to trap him in a chair or against a wall. The mental image of the latter made Usami’s blood run hot with need. Taking a deep breath, he calmed his desires. This was no time to push. For once, Usami wanted to allow Misaki’s true reaction to come forth… this ring was far too important for anything else.
“It looks familiar somehow,” Misaki mumbled. Removing his left hand from the chair arm, Usami brought it forth to show a ring fitted to his own finger. “Ah, I see… so they are a matched set then?”
“Yes, mine was made for me by my mother. Yours was made at my request some months ago. I have been waiting for the right time to present you with it.” Usami made the first move because truly he couldn’t stand to wait any longer. Plucking the delicate ring from the box, he took hold of his lover’s hand to place the token softly in his palm. “I do hope you like it, Misaki.”
“Oh well, yeah it is really nice,” Misaki answered as he reached back to remove his necklace.
“What are you doing?”
“Wearing the ring, of course. It’s obviously special so I figured I would wear it with my brother’s necklace, being that it is special too. I mean, it’s not a wedding ring or anything so it might be nice to be cool and trendy for once.” Misaki laughed weakly, hoping to see Usagi smile.
Those gray eyes turned dark in an instant. Misaki tried to get up but Usagi wouldn’t move. Quite the opposite, he actually brought their bodies closer than before, his hand moving to the ring which now hung lifeless from the thick necklace chain. “It is obvious now that we have very different meanings of the word ‘special’, Misaki.” With a firm jerk, Usagi snapped the chain and stood up. Pocketing the ring, he turned to leave.
“What is wrong with you? First you give me a ring out of the blue, then you take it right back? I said it was nice and it was special, what more do you want from me?!” The volume of his own voice startled Misaki, as did the anger coursing through him. How dare Usagi sulk around all morning, then turn around and act like this! And, to top it off, the jerk broke the only thing his brother ever gave to him. It was almost unforgivable. “Well, are you just going to stand there?”
“If I turn around now, I might do something I will regret,” Usagi whispered. The unnaturally icy response caught Misaki off guard. Usually when he yelled, Usagi responded in kind.
“Why are you blowing this so out of proportion? It’s a ring, that’s all. It’s not like we’re some sappy couple in love, right?” Misaki asked jokingly, poking Usagi’s in the back. “Now give it back and let’s finish breakfast, okay?” He stepped forward, wrapping his arms around the older man’s middle, hoping the change of tone would calm Usagi’s tirade.
“Thank you for the meal.” Without another word, Usagi broke free of Misaki’s hold and retreated to the confines of his office. The door closed with a resounding thud, the force enough to shake the walls. Misaki fought the urge to follow him. Desperately he wanted to make things right, but from experience he knew that Usagi just needed time. The anger would fade and sooner than Misaki could handle, he’d be back to a routine of molestation each morning after finishing his coffee and eggs. Yes, that is surely how things would be, as they had been so many times before.
Misaki sighed, telling himself over and again that it would all work out. Glancing down, he spotted the necklace, now twisted and broken, lying dejectedly on the floor. A quick flash of anger pulsed through him, yet as he bent to pick up the chain, the anger pooled low in his chest turning to a seed of worry. No matter how much he told himself that Usagi would come around, that feeling of worry never faded. Something about this fight felt different and truly unsettling.
“Well, maybe I should say something,” Misaki said aloud. Crossing the room, he came to stand by the large, oak door that lead to Usagi’s office and library. “Usagi, I…”
“Hello, Usami-san?!” The shrill voice echoed off the arched ceiling of the foyer. “Did you forget our meeting today?”
“Certainly not. Join me in the office, won’t you?” Usagi called from beyond the door.
As fast as her high heels would take her, Usagi’s newest publicist crossed the main living room and with a curt nod in Misaki’s direction, disappeared behind the once again closed door.
/////////////
He’d felt it then, standing on the other side of Usagi’s office door, just as he felt it there in the ballroom. Separation. A distinct and eerie space between him and the man he’d come to know so well. Though Usagi stood but a few feet away, idly chatting with a group of well-dressed and surely well-to-do guest, Misaki felt as if oceans lie between them and for the first time since their fateful meeting, Misaki felt totally alone.
“Whoa, I knew this was a launch party but Usami Akihiko’s launch party?!” A slender young man came to stand close, his shy smile instantly putting Misaki at ease. “Onodera Ritsu, junior editor, pleased to meet you…”
“….Takahashi Misaki, college student.”
“So who are you hiding from?” Onodera asked bluntly. At Misaki’s surprised expression, he continued on. “I, myself, am hiding from my boss. See the tall, dark haired, intimidating man in the thin, wire glasses… that’s him. Our relationship is, well, complicated.” Letting his voice drift off, Onodera broke his gaze and returned his attention to Misaki. “You wouldn’t be here in the far corner of the room if you weren’t hiding from someone.”
“Well, see the man your boss is talking too?”
“Of course, that’s Usami Akihiko… what’s your point?”
“That is who I’m hiding from. He’s my roommate and well… our relationship is complicated,” Misaki mumbled, unsure really of how to describe their unusual connection. The fact that Onodera’s mouth fell wide open didn’t encourage Misaki to continue. How do you tell someone, especially a total stranger, that you and the most sought after author in Japan were… well… doing what it was that they do? “Like I said… complicated.”
“I’m sorry for my reaction but I have only met a few people who have even spoken with Usami-san, but I’ve never heard of anyone having lived with him.”
“Sometimes I wonder if that wasn’t for a reason,” Misaki whispered, mostly to himself, seeing as how Onodera had returned to watching his boss intently. For someone trying to avoid another person, Onodera seemed to be giving quite a bit of attention to his boss. “So you said you were a junior editor, right? I suppose that would make your boss an editor, which would make sense as to why he and Usami seem so friendly.”
“I would be happy to answer that another time, seeing as how it seems that we have been spotted,” Onodera muttered quickly. With a curt nod, the young man turned and headed for the opposite side of the ballroom. Misaki watched him go, wondering just what kind of boss would inspire such strange, erratic behavior in his junior employees.
He didn’t wonder for very long because when his eyes returned to the boss in question, he noticed that now there were two onlookers. Usagi’s glare turned hot as their eyes locked. Tension, thick and palpable, filled the enormous space between them, causing that all too familiar knot to tighten in Misaki’s chest. So now Usagi knew Misaki had indeed been listening to his conversation with the publicist and had made sure to make an appearance at this all too important launch party. Though, Misaki failed to catch exactly WHY this party was so important, but after the morning’s fallout, he knew it would mean something to Usagi if he showed. At least he hoped it would.
“Usami, is something the matter?” Takano asked, politely trying to gain his friend’s attention once more.
“Nothing at all, but I would ask to be excused for a few moments, if you don’t mind.” Usami watched as Takano took his leave and headed for the opposite end of the ballroom. If he wasn’t mistaken, and he so very rarely was, Takano would be off to find the young junior editor that more often than not could be found at his side. Usami doubted if anyone else even noticed just how much time the two spent together, but then again, Usami doubted if anyone else had the experience to notice such things. After all his time spent with Misaki, Usami was now an expert at secret love affairs.
Love? That was a poor choice of words. Hadn’t Misaki said that very morning that they weren’t some sappy couple in love? And yet, there he was with the word so readily on his mind. If only Misaki had stayed at home. It was quite obvious the little spy had overheard at least part of his conversation with the new publicist this morning, much to Usami’s chagrin. This night would be much easier if every time Usami turned around, he didn’t catch a glimpse of the awkward young man in the corner. And when their eyes had met just then… it was almost too much to bear.
Usami willed himself to turn away, to find anywhere else to go and anyone else to watch, but his gaze held steadfast and somewhere a part of him desperately wished Misaki to look up once more. Rationally he knew the boy would not. Misaki was nothing if not passive. Yet still, he watched for a moment longer, taking in as much as he could with the precious time he had left alone. For once, Misaki looked as if he actually belonged among the well-dressed guests at the party, having chosen a charcoal suit and starched, pink shirt for himself. The outfit was finished with the alligator wing-tips that Usami gave him as a birthday gift, as well as the matching alligator-banded wrist watch. Usami’s good taste must be wearing off for his partner to have dressed himself in something so fashionable. Either that, or everything else was dirty and the boy had yet to do laundry. The latter was much more likely.
Why would Misaki wear those shoes and watch after what was said this morning? Even more strange, why would he even bother to make an appearance there that night? He could have just as easily stayed at the penthouse, especially since crowds of rich and well-do-to people made him exorbitantly more nervous than usual. Nothing about Misaki’s choices ever made much sense to Usami, but this night was truly confusing.
“Usami-san, we are ready for you,” a slight young woman said, her voice barely above a whisper. Usami took one last look at his lover and with a sigh, switch gears entirely.
“Thank you very much for your hard work tonight. The stage looks lovely.” As Usami turned and headed to the middle of the ballroom, he heard a faint swoon from behind. Of course, it never failed. If only he enjoyed being with women as much as men, his life thus far would have been much easier.
“Good evening everyone, and welcome to the launch party for The Snow Falls Lightly novel. Akihiko-san has graciously agreed to a short question and answer segment, so please be polite and quick with your most important inquiries regarding this amazing novel.” With a flurry of polite claps and friendly murmurs, Misaki watched as Usagi took the stage. In a slight state of shock, Misaki couldn’t help but move forward, making his way slowly to the side of the platform. Usagi, on a literal pedestal, in front of a crowd of total strangers not only to speak but to actually interact and answer questions?! The world must be ending. There could be no other explanation as to why the introverted, soft-spoken man would put himself in such a compromising position.
Usagi cleared his throat, straightening the silk scarf hanging loose around his neck before taking a hold of the microphone. “Thank you all for coming tonight. Please proceed with your questions.”
Yup, it must be the end of the world.
“Usami-san, were you concerned with the reception from the literary community in regards to the unconventional relationship between your two main characters?”
“No. As with all of my novels, I write the stories I would like to read. As for the opinion of others, that is out of my control and there for none of my concern,” Usagi stated simply.
“So you haven’t been fazed at all with the negative reviews of the so-called ‘odd couple’?” The reporter followed up.
“No.”
The reporters and journalists quickly scrawled notes, each one seemingly impressed by the man’s cool nature and devil-may-care attitude. For a moment, Misaki found himself impressed as well. That is until Usagi removed his glasses and cleaned the already spotless lenses with his scarf. It was then Misaki saw just how nervous he truly was. Instantly, Misaki felt the tightening knot in his chest. He ached to comfort Usagi, to wrap his arms around the older man and nuzzle his neck and whisper all the little things Misaki knew would make Usagi smile. At that moment, their argument early that morning seemed silly and insignificant. All that mattered was Usagi. All that Misaki could see, think about and care for was Usagi.
It was an all-too-familiar sensation, the world falling away, and one that normally scared Misaki with its intensity. Yet standing there, watching Usagi fidget beneath the scrutiny of the crowded room, Misaki felt no fear at all… only… warmth and tenderness. Allowing the words of the journalists to go quiet in his mind, Misaki kept his eyes firmly on Usagi, fervently wishing the man would look his way.
It could have been hours that passed, though more likely it was just a few minutes. The questions were coming like rapid fire, the journalists getting more and more frenzied in their attack. Words passed senselessly into Misaki’s ears, none of them gaining too much of his attention… that is until one word fell from mouth of the only female reporter in the room.
“…gay?” Wait… what?!
“I was unable to hear your question, Miss. Would you mind repeating it?” Usagi asked politely. For once, Misaki was thankful that Usagi read his mind!
“I asked if you would classify the characters in your novel as gay.”
“Yes.”
“With all of your novels, you always say you write from experience and in some way, the characters are based off the people in your own life. Were these two characters also written that way?”
“Yes. It is no coincidence that the hero of the novel bears a shocking resemblance to me.” The room fell silent; everyone focused intently on the back and forth conversation between Usagi and the young woman.
“And the love interest? Was he modeled after someone special in your life?”
“Yes,” Usagi answered as the whole room erupted in shocked gasps and fervent whispers.
Was this really happening? Was the foremost author in Japan really saying what everyone thought he was saying? Misaki couldn’t believe it. Dumbfounded, he stood, mouth agape, waiting for the question that most certainly would come next.
“If you don’t mind me clarifying, are you stating that you, Usami Akihiko, are in a committed relationship with another man?”
Usagi paused, taking a deep breath and finally scanning the room, stopping only when his eyes found Misaki. A red-hot blush crept up the sides of Misaki’s cheeks. Usagi didn’t smile. He didn’t nod his head. He didn’t move so much as to blink but his eyes said it all. This was the reason for the party. This was why he’d hired a new publicist. This was why he’d been so tense for days and probably why he’d acted so strangely that morning. His career was about to take a drastic turn and it all came down to this one moment, this one answer.
“Yes. Thank you all for coming tonight and I hope you enjoy the remainder of your evening.” With that, despite the onslaught of questions being shouted, Usagi gallantly left the stage and exited the ballroom.
“Usagi, wait!” Usami stopped, knowing that quivering voice all too well.
“Not here, Misaki,” he said before continuing down the empty hallway. Coming upon a set of gilded doors, Usami pushed his way through to find a wide, stone balcony spread out beneath his feet.
With his back to the door, Usami leaned forward, resting his elbows upon the railing. The cold from the dark stone quickly seeped through the fabric of his suit and shirt beneath, but he didn’t mind. The chill was refreshing and did much to erase the cramped, stuffy feeling trapped inside his chest. He was glad to be away from that ballroom and even more so to no longer be standing up on that stage. His publicist warned him how difficult that stunt would be, but he’d insisted weeks ago that he would be up to it. If this morning had gone as planned, he would have been.
Hearing the doors close with a soft click, Usami knew without looking that Misaki was standing right behind him. He could clearly imagine the boy in his head: standing primarily on one foot while the other scuffs at the ground, his delicate hands kneading together in worry as he chewed slightly on that adorable, pink bottom lip. And then, when he finally got up the courage, Misaki would try to speak only to trip all over his words.
“I… well, Usagi… uhm…”
“Save your words, Misaki.” Usami turned finally, the sight of his lover’s face enough to stop his heart. His eyes were wide and round, the moonlight reflecting upon the streaks of fresh tears running down his face. He looked vulnerable and delicate, like soft porcelain, and Usami fought the urge to wipe away those glistening tears. “You did not have to come tonight, Misaki.”
“I thought it…mm…might mean something if I did,” Misaki stuttered. “I heard you and your publicist talking about how important tonight was, I just didn’t know why. I guess I do now.”
“I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but I believe it is time for you to return to the penthouse.” Usagi’s voice was cold, and he refused to even look at Misaki! He knew Usagi would react this way, but he just couldn’t back down. This felt far too important to let go.
“What is wrong with you, Usagi? Ever since this morning you have been completely shut down.”
“I do not have time to explain what should be apparent.”
“You need to make time!” Misaki shouted, feeling a quick sense of triumph at the shock that played across Usagi’s face. “I wasn’t the one who started all of this. It was you and your wishy washy gift-giving. Why would you even give me a gift in the first place if you just planned to take it away?”
“You refused to wear it properly; therefore I was forced to reclaim the gift. I did nothing wrong, Misaki.” The icy tone returned, the momentary shock having faded back into the mask of indifference Usagi had worked so long to perfect.
“Of course you did something wrong… you gave me a ring and took it back,” Misaki sobbed, the tears falling one after another. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried this much, and honestly, he wasn’t even sure why the thought of that ring being taken away flooded his mind with overwhelming sadness. But it did. His heart ached, exposed and raw, as he waited for a response from Usagi.
“You told me you loved me and took it back,” Usami whispered, watching as Misaki’s eyes grew wide once more. The boy stood, unmoving except for the heaving shutter of his thin chest. “You remember, do you not?”
Usami rested one hip against the railing, looking off and away above Misaki’s head, finding he was unable to explain whilst watching the boy’s reaction. “We were in Kyoto for my most recent book tour. It was our last night in the city and we celebrated with a decadent dinner in the hotel restaurant and an even more luscious dessert in bed.” A red flush crept up Misaki’s neck to settle hot and bright upon his round cheeks. So, he did remember.
Pausing to gather his nerve, Usami cleared his throat before continuing: “After hours together in bed, and hours spent at book signings earlier in the day, I was thoroughly exhausted. I remember closing my eyes and wrapping my arms around you as I drifted off towards sleep. And just as I was fading away, I heard you speak. Your voice was just a soft whisper, but there was no mistaking the three words you said- ‘I love you’. I didn’t return the words, I didn’t dare move for fear that you would run away. But you said them and I felt them. The next morning I awoke early to spend some time at a local jeweler, crafting the ring that would match mine. It was the moment I walked out of the shop that I knew the exact path of my future. It was you. It was always you. And it was there the idea for my next novel was born. I knew it would be risky, but I also understood that if I was to commit myself to you, I needed to do that publicly and with no remorse. Over the next few months created a work of literature unheard of in the realm of dramatic fiction- the torrid love affair of two men- and I worked with the new publicist to create a launch party for that novel where I would present my true self to the literary world. Everything was going as planned… that is until this morning,” Usami stopped, the expression on his lover’s face telling him there was no need to go further.
“All of this was for me?” Misaki asked. Usagi nodded solemnly in response. Realization dawned in an instant, the series of events leading up to that moment falling into a total sense. The awkward moods, the quiet mornings, the new publicist and, of course, the ring.
The ring, oh god and he’d just shrugged it off like it meant nothing when really…
“Oh no,” he sobbed softly.
“And you are unhappy with that fact?” Usagi asked.
“Why didn’t you tell me? This was a huge step, Usagi! You could have told me and I would have supported you but instead I watched you up there, being criticized by everyone and… I couldn’t… b-bear it.” Misaki choked on the last words, fighting back a barrage of tears. Usagi looked so uncomfortable up on that stage and even now, standing in front of just Misaki, he looked incredibly distant as if pulling away from the situation would prepare him for all the negative outcomes circling in his ever-calculating mind.
Usagi tilted his head in defeat. Those grey eyes were tired, the joyful and somewhat childlike curiosity completely washed away. He looked, for once, his age. He looked terribly unhappy. Before he could stop himself with rational reasons not to, Misaki closed the distance between their bodies, tucking his face into the cool silk of Usagi’s shirt.
“I’m sorry for messing everything up.” The apology was far too simple, but he’d meant it whole-heartedly just the same. He only hoped Usagi could forgive him.
“Do not bother apologizing.” Usagi pulled away, gently prying himself from Misaki’s arms.
“I am to blame, Misaki, not you. If only I could have found the courage to speak my mind this morning, I feel our evening would have turned out much differently.”
Misaki opened his mouth to speak, but Usagi cut him off with an all-too-familiar grin. “Then again, this evening is far from over.”
As if in slow motion, Misaki watched as his lover, the man who always stood so proud and tall humbly lowered himself onto one knee.
“In the many years of my life, I never put much faith in happiness, or peace, or love. For so long, I contented myself to the solemn fact that I, Usami Akihiko, would spend my time alone. It wasn’t an easy choice, and certainly not one I enjoyed making, but I felt it was the only way I could exist without pain. I had all but given up on the idea that any of that would change…”
“And then there you were,” Usami whispered, taking Misaki’s trembling hand.
“Takahashi Misaki, you are the greatest joy I could ever imagine for myself, and I would be honored if you would become my husband.” Reaching inside his breast pocket, Usami retrieved the ring he’d rescued from the penthouse floor that morning.
“Yes,” Misaki whimpered. There was no hesitation, no motion to flee. The boy stood still, completely at ease with the word he’d spoken. Usami never imagined it could happen, but the moment he slipped that ring onto Misaki’s slender finger, he felt the warm comfort of absolute content. In that moment, Usami Akihiko realized exactly what it felt like to find true love.
Slowly, Usami lifted up from the floor, his arms snaking around Misaki as he brought their lips together for a tender kiss. “I love you, Misaki.”
“I love you too, Akihiko.” The shock of hearing his name fall from those lips was almost enough to make his heart burst. He closed his eyes, letting his forehead rest against Misaki’s. Their breath mingled, and Usami smiled at the simple intimacy.
“Let’s go home,” Misaki said, grasping Usami’s hand and tugging slightly. There was a devious glint in those green eyes that told Usami that he’d been correct in speaking… this evening was certainly far from over. As the lithe boy tugged him away from the stone balcony, Usami felt overwhelmingly lucky to be in love with his best friend. Lucky to be going home again, hand in hand.