juniperjune's holiday film guide
Visiting family for the holidays, and deprived of your usual ways of entertaining yourself? Starting to explore their DVD collections and/or digital cable on-demand service? So am I, so am I. Here are reviews of movies I have been driven to watch at my parents' house out of sheer boredom. There may be a second installment of this before the holidays are over. In approximate order of viewing:
Hard Candy (2005) - A 14-year-old-girl meets a 32-year-old photographer on the internet, who gets way way more than he bargained for-- and not in a good way.
Why I Watched It: I foolishly believed we had access only to the "free" movies on demand, and it was either this or obscure early Wes Craven films, most of which I'd already seen. Plus it's got pre-Juno Ellen Paige.
My Verdict: I like that it's a girl-power movie, I suppose, but I'm not convinced that it doesn't reinforce the "14-year-old girls are hot" cultural gestalt that it is trying to criticize. Because Ellen Paige is still, creepily, kinda hot in this movie, which is a fact that basically makes you feel bad about yourself for thinking it. Overall, the movie is significantly too harrowing to be enjoyable.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You are a masochist with a crush on Ellen Paige.
Avoid At All Costs If: You can't stomach the idea of watching a man be methodically castrated (i.e. if you are most men).
The Craft (1996) - Four outcast girls at a Catholic high school form a coven to cast spells on their enemies, but quickly find themselves in over their heads.
Why I Watched It: My brother informed me that we still have trial subscriptions to the premium movie channels, and The Boy had recently expressed amazement that I hadn't seen it, given my gothy past.
My Verdict: Delivers on everything it promises; highly entertaining.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You are or have ever been a gothy and/or bicurious female.
Avoid At All Costs If: Neve Campbell makes you puke.
The Incredible Hulk (2008) - Bruce Banner is on the run from the US military, who are trying to develop super-soldiers using Hulk technology. This goes poorly.
Why I Watched It: My parents had it from Netflix, and I had nothing else to do that night.
My Verdict: The Ang Lee Hulk film was both more stylish and more interesting, which is not saying much. But Ed Norton is always pretty entertaining.
Absolutely See This Movie If: What you've always dreamed of is watching Good Hulk vs. Evil Hulk in a battle that destroys entire city blocks.
Avoid At All Costs If: What you've always dreamed of is watching Ed Norton smash buildings-- it's always the CGI Hulk who does those scenes.
Dazed and Confused (1993) - It's the last day of school in 1976, and everyone is looking for the party.
Why I Watched It: I was eleven years old when it came out, so my parents wouldn't let me see it, but I was already interested in 60s/70s potsmoking culture and felt deprived.
My Verdict: Just another "where's the party" high school ensemble movie. But a decent one. Not actually very insightful about 70s potsmoking culture.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You're writing an academic paper on the history of teen party movies.
Avoid At All Costs If: You'll be offended by a movie that knows less about drugs than you.
Dirty Dancing (1987) - Spending the summer at a resort in (I guess) the Catskills, Baby falls in love with Patrick Swayze, her dancing instructor, who is "from the streets" in a way that her father won't approve of.
Why I Watched It: I hadn't seen it since I was a kid, and Patrick Swayze is a total babe.
My Verdict: Delightfully cheesy. I definitely didn't know what an abortion was when I saw this as a kid, which is surprising since that's a major plot engine. I have no idea what I made of the fact that whats-her-face "is in trouble and needs money, and some dude should be taking responsibility for it but is not." Gambling debts? I was also pretty disappointed at the circumstances of how the iconic "nobody puts Baby in the corner" line was delivered. But overall an excellent cheesy 80s romance-- with a surprisingly decent doo-wop soundtrack, when they weren't playing "I've Had the Time of My Life" over and over again.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You are of the orientation to be attracted to Patrick Swayze.
Avoid At All Costs If: You are not.
Zapped! (1982) - A young, geeky Scott Baio gains telekinetic powers and uses them primarily to make girls' shirts pop open.
Why I Watched It: My friends brought it over.
My Verdict: Surprisingly self-aware, but definitely cheesetastic. An objectively bad movie, but fast-paced enough that it doesn't get dull, and pretty funny throughout.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You are a 13-year-old boy, externally or internally.
Avoid At All Costs If: You are offended by the exploitation of women.
The Big Hit (1998) - Marky Mark plays an expert hitman who gets embroiled in an ill-advised kidnapping scheme.
Why I Watched It: I was outvoted at my friends' house.
My Verdict: Again, surprisingly self-aware. It's definitively a comedy that is kind of masquerading as a serious action movie, and it's a pretty funny comedy at that.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You're looking for popcorn flick to amuse a diverse crowd of adults. (It will help if most of them are male.)
Avoid At All Costs If: You are offended by the serious, serious stereotyping of Jews and/or really improbable love plots.
Mad Money (2008) - Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah, and Katie Holmes are janitors at the federal reserve who come up with an ingenious plan to steal money, a little at a time.
Why I Watched It: My parents had it from Netflix, and I had nothing better to do.
My Verdict: It's just fine. Diane Keaton is kind of surprisingly good, and Katie Holmes is kind of surprisingly likable.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You're wondering if Diane Keaton can play any role other than Annie Hall or iterations thereof.
Avoid At All Costs If: You get angry at movies where characters make incredibly stupid decisions.
Into The Wild (2007) - A recent college graduate gives all his money to charity and goes west to live on his own, on the road and eventually, you know, in the wild.
Why I Watched It: I missed it when it came out, and Milk recently alerted me to the awesomeness of Emile Hirsch.
My Verdict: Interesting, and kind of touching, but it's difficult to watch the main character spurn human contact again and again. It's hard to decide whether to be inspired by his example, or treat it as a warning story. Definitely worth seeing, at any rate.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You read a lot of Jack Kerouac and fantasized about dropping out and running away to live on the road and/or in the great outdoors when you were in high school, or college, or last week.
Avoid At All Costs If: That Jack Kerouac stuff doesn't do it for you.
The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008) - Keanu Reeves is an alien sent to destroy humanity. That's not a summary of the movie, it's a fact, and we as a species should figure out how to fight back.
Why I Watched It: My family goes to a movie every year on Christmas eve, and this is the only one all four of us could bring ourselves to see. It could have been worse-- my mother was voting for Twilight.
My Verdict: Slow and boring.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You have an unhealthy obsession with Keanu movies where he plays a deadpan, robotic character (i.e. most of them).
Avoid At All Costs: Otherwise.
Hard Candy (2005) - A 14-year-old-girl meets a 32-year-old photographer on the internet, who gets way way more than he bargained for-- and not in a good way.
Why I Watched It: I foolishly believed we had access only to the "free" movies on demand, and it was either this or obscure early Wes Craven films, most of which I'd already seen. Plus it's got pre-Juno Ellen Paige.
My Verdict: I like that it's a girl-power movie, I suppose, but I'm not convinced that it doesn't reinforce the "14-year-old girls are hot" cultural gestalt that it is trying to criticize. Because Ellen Paige is still, creepily, kinda hot in this movie, which is a fact that basically makes you feel bad about yourself for thinking it. Overall, the movie is significantly too harrowing to be enjoyable.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You are a masochist with a crush on Ellen Paige.
Avoid At All Costs If: You can't stomach the idea of watching a man be methodically castrated (i.e. if you are most men).
The Craft (1996) - Four outcast girls at a Catholic high school form a coven to cast spells on their enemies, but quickly find themselves in over their heads.
Why I Watched It: My brother informed me that we still have trial subscriptions to the premium movie channels, and The Boy had recently expressed amazement that I hadn't seen it, given my gothy past.
My Verdict: Delivers on everything it promises; highly entertaining.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You are or have ever been a gothy and/or bicurious female.
Avoid At All Costs If: Neve Campbell makes you puke.
The Incredible Hulk (2008) - Bruce Banner is on the run from the US military, who are trying to develop super-soldiers using Hulk technology. This goes poorly.
Why I Watched It: My parents had it from Netflix, and I had nothing else to do that night.
My Verdict: The Ang Lee Hulk film was both more stylish and more interesting, which is not saying much. But Ed Norton is always pretty entertaining.
Absolutely See This Movie If: What you've always dreamed of is watching Good Hulk vs. Evil Hulk in a battle that destroys entire city blocks.
Avoid At All Costs If: What you've always dreamed of is watching Ed Norton smash buildings-- it's always the CGI Hulk who does those scenes.
Dazed and Confused (1993) - It's the last day of school in 1976, and everyone is looking for the party.
Why I Watched It: I was eleven years old when it came out, so my parents wouldn't let me see it, but I was already interested in 60s/70s potsmoking culture and felt deprived.
My Verdict: Just another "where's the party" high school ensemble movie. But a decent one. Not actually very insightful about 70s potsmoking culture.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You're writing an academic paper on the history of teen party movies.
Avoid At All Costs If: You'll be offended by a movie that knows less about drugs than you.
Dirty Dancing (1987) - Spending the summer at a resort in (I guess) the Catskills, Baby falls in love with Patrick Swayze, her dancing instructor, who is "from the streets" in a way that her father won't approve of.
Why I Watched It: I hadn't seen it since I was a kid, and Patrick Swayze is a total babe.
My Verdict: Delightfully cheesy. I definitely didn't know what an abortion was when I saw this as a kid, which is surprising since that's a major plot engine. I have no idea what I made of the fact that whats-her-face "is in trouble and needs money, and some dude should be taking responsibility for it but is not." Gambling debts? I was also pretty disappointed at the circumstances of how the iconic "nobody puts Baby in the corner" line was delivered. But overall an excellent cheesy 80s romance-- with a surprisingly decent doo-wop soundtrack, when they weren't playing "I've Had the Time of My Life" over and over again.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You are of the orientation to be attracted to Patrick Swayze.
Avoid At All Costs If: You are not.
Zapped! (1982) - A young, geeky Scott Baio gains telekinetic powers and uses them primarily to make girls' shirts pop open.
Why I Watched It: My friends brought it over.
My Verdict: Surprisingly self-aware, but definitely cheesetastic. An objectively bad movie, but fast-paced enough that it doesn't get dull, and pretty funny throughout.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You are a 13-year-old boy, externally or internally.
Avoid At All Costs If: You are offended by the exploitation of women.
The Big Hit (1998) - Marky Mark plays an expert hitman who gets embroiled in an ill-advised kidnapping scheme.
Why I Watched It: I was outvoted at my friends' house.
My Verdict: Again, surprisingly self-aware. It's definitively a comedy that is kind of masquerading as a serious action movie, and it's a pretty funny comedy at that.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You're looking for popcorn flick to amuse a diverse crowd of adults. (It will help if most of them are male.)
Avoid At All Costs If: You are offended by the serious, serious stereotyping of Jews and/or really improbable love plots.
Mad Money (2008) - Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah, and Katie Holmes are janitors at the federal reserve who come up with an ingenious plan to steal money, a little at a time.
Why I Watched It: My parents had it from Netflix, and I had nothing better to do.
My Verdict: It's just fine. Diane Keaton is kind of surprisingly good, and Katie Holmes is kind of surprisingly likable.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You're wondering if Diane Keaton can play any role other than Annie Hall or iterations thereof.
Avoid At All Costs If: You get angry at movies where characters make incredibly stupid decisions.
Into The Wild (2007) - A recent college graduate gives all his money to charity and goes west to live on his own, on the road and eventually, you know, in the wild.
Why I Watched It: I missed it when it came out, and Milk recently alerted me to the awesomeness of Emile Hirsch.
My Verdict: Interesting, and kind of touching, but it's difficult to watch the main character spurn human contact again and again. It's hard to decide whether to be inspired by his example, or treat it as a warning story. Definitely worth seeing, at any rate.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You read a lot of Jack Kerouac and fantasized about dropping out and running away to live on the road and/or in the great outdoors when you were in high school, or college, or last week.
Avoid At All Costs If: That Jack Kerouac stuff doesn't do it for you.
The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008) - Keanu Reeves is an alien sent to destroy humanity. That's not a summary of the movie, it's a fact, and we as a species should figure out how to fight back.
Why I Watched It: My family goes to a movie every year on Christmas eve, and this is the only one all four of us could bring ourselves to see. It could have been worse-- my mother was voting for Twilight.
My Verdict: Slow and boring.
Absolutely See This Movie If: You have an unhealthy obsession with Keanu movies where he plays a deadpan, robotic character (i.e. most of them).
Avoid At All Costs: Otherwise.