(no subject)
i promised myself not to write any more vague livejournal posts. so here goes.
fuck this! fuck this, really now. fundamentals of photoj is KILLING ME. KILLING. ME.
five weeks into the class, i've had to redo every single assignment at least twice. four assignments in, i've done the equivalent of eight. on top of everything, on top of all my work, i JUST CAN'T GET THIS RIGHT. i just can't.
i've been working non-stop. i don't have the money to keep doing this. i don't have the patience. everything i do is not good enough. i've never struggled so much in a class. i've never struggled so much in a class that i've taken so many times before in different forms.
what the hell. WHAT THE HELL. today, i completely lost two rolls of film because i fixed the film first instead of developing it. when the TA and another professor figured this out, i blushed brightly and realized that i was an idiot.
once again, i have to reshoot the entire assignment. i'm so tired of this. i'm so tired... even when i do accomplish something, it's not good enough. this isn't pushing a person. this is enough to make me cry every night. in fact, it does. i don't want to do this anymore. i went in and changed my major today, wondering how many more times i would have to redo everything. how many times till i get it right. at this point, about eight. despite all this, i've managed to perform decently in the class because it's all i dedicate myself to and because i never let myself rest. two, three, four rolls for assignments that require one shot, need to finish it. need to get it right.
i'm tired. i'm physically exhausted. if i'm not doing photoj, i'm doing staff. i love staff. i thought i loved photoj. i thought this would be a good semester. the only things keeping me going now are hoping that i'll get to see ben in december and possibly studying abroad next summer. i'm okay today, but for the past two weeks, i've curled up into a little ball and cried at least twice a day. i've wanted to die. i've wanted to go home. i've wanted to drop out of school. because of this, i still haven't had a chance to snap out of it. since i haven't had a chance to snap out of it, i'm still doing things like adding fixer instead of developer when developing my negatives. i'm still fucking up little things like exposure and shutter speed.
this was never a problem before.
i can do this if i just stop feeling. i can just work through all this in a daze, or so i thought. it's starting to show, it's been showing. i'm getting better, but i'm still fucked.
fuck photoj, fuck journalism in general. all i want to do is go to greece and live in a tiny apartment with books. i just want to be happy. i want, for once in my entire ENTIRE life, to not have to worry about school or money or tuition payments or other people before i worry about my own sanity.
i'm tired... and dammit, i think i deserve a fucking break.
fuck this! fuck this, really now. fundamentals of photoj is KILLING ME. KILLING. ME.
five weeks into the class, i've had to redo every single assignment at least twice. four assignments in, i've done the equivalent of eight. on top of everything, on top of all my work, i JUST CAN'T GET THIS RIGHT. i just can't.
i've been working non-stop. i don't have the money to keep doing this. i don't have the patience. everything i do is not good enough. i've never struggled so much in a class. i've never struggled so much in a class that i've taken so many times before in different forms.
what the hell. WHAT THE HELL. today, i completely lost two rolls of film because i fixed the film first instead of developing it. when the TA and another professor figured this out, i blushed brightly and realized that i was an idiot.
once again, i have to reshoot the entire assignment. i'm so tired of this. i'm so tired... even when i do accomplish something, it's not good enough. this isn't pushing a person. this is enough to make me cry every night. in fact, it does. i don't want to do this anymore. i went in and changed my major today, wondering how many more times i would have to redo everything. how many times till i get it right. at this point, about eight. despite all this, i've managed to perform decently in the class because it's all i dedicate myself to and because i never let myself rest. two, three, four rolls for assignments that require one shot, need to finish it. need to get it right.
i'm tired. i'm physically exhausted. if i'm not doing photoj, i'm doing staff. i love staff. i thought i loved photoj. i thought this would be a good semester. the only things keeping me going now are hoping that i'll get to see ben in december and possibly studying abroad next summer. i'm okay today, but for the past two weeks, i've curled up into a little ball and cried at least twice a day. i've wanted to die. i've wanted to go home. i've wanted to drop out of school. because of this, i still haven't had a chance to snap out of it. since i haven't had a chance to snap out of it, i'm still doing things like adding fixer instead of developer when developing my negatives. i'm still fucking up little things like exposure and shutter speed.
this was never a problem before.
i can do this if i just stop feeling. i can just work through all this in a daze, or so i thought. it's starting to show, it's been showing. i'm getting better, but i'm still fucked.
fuck photoj, fuck journalism in general. all i want to do is go to greece and live in a tiny apartment with books. i just want to be happy. i want, for once in my entire ENTIRE life, to not have to worry about school or money or tuition payments or other people before i worry about my own sanity.
i'm tired... and dammit, i think i deserve a fucking break.