Warning, it's long...
So many things I could say ... but I'm not sure who would care and then I think 'why does it matter who cares? This is my journal.' But the truth is that on this one, I write for you my audience, and not for me. If I am writing for me then I write in my private journal. So writing here means that I want someone to see it, someone to care. Someone to see past this face that I keep up.
I'm scared. The thought of going off to Mexico scares me, if I'm honest. The plane travel doesn't bother me, nor does the thought of Mexico itself scare me, I have nothing against Mexicans. I am afraid of being alone. I will be with people, two of whom I have met briefly more than six months ago. But I don't really know any of them and that means I will be alone. There are so many things I don't know about where I am going and what I am doing and that uncertainty scares me. What if I have done all my preparation wrong? What if I get there and I can't handle it? Is there any way for me to go home? Or something close to home, since I don't really have one. What if I can't get along with the people? What if I can't do the things they ask of me? I know uncertainty is part of any transition, no matter where from or to, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Of course I'm excited - this will be something new and interesting and something I will probably never get the chance to do again. I will probably have some wonderful moments while I'm there and I'm hoping to learn many things that I wouldn't be able to anywhere else. I am hoping to come back changed for the better. But deep down I am scared.
The other thing I am dealing with is how much I dislike packing. I think because it involves so many decisions and I dislike those. But I have to do it. I haven't actually got anything in my bags yet - I sorted everything today into piles of 'going to EduVenture' and 'not going', but nothing is in the bags. And my Aunt told me tonight not to worry because I have all of tomorrow (Sunday) and part of Monday morning if I need it. But at some point I know I am just going to flat run out of time and I hope I am where I need to be when that happens. And there are so many unfinished things that I haven't told anyone about. So many things that I should have done a month ago, or two months, and haven't. But I haven't told anyone because what could they do about it? I am the one that has to do the things and all they could do would be to tell me that. But it adds another load to the stress.
Another thing is these odd waves of homesickness I keep getting. I think it is because any transition makes me think of leaving PNG. But in the past couple of days, random things have been triggering it and that's distressing. Like just earlier in this entry when I asked if there was any way I could go home - and then I thought 'I don't have a home, really.' And it nearly made me cry. Somedays I'm fine with not having a "real" home, most of the time I think it's great. But some days it's hard. Dad e-mailed me the other night and mentioned that he was off to play volleyball and wished I could come watch. I watched and/or played volleyball on the upper oval just about every Saturday of my Senior year - it was something we could share together. But when he mentioned wanting me to come, it just about made me cry because I suddenly wished so hard that I could be there that it almost hurt. I know bits of homesickness are going to be part of my life for the rest of my life, that just comes with being who I am. And I know that I will never really have a home on this earth, which is ok because it makes me look forward to heaven - when I will never have to say goodbye or move again. But it hurts, living this way.
The goodbyes here hurt, too. This is my third summer with the college group here and I've gotten to know some of them a lot better this year. I hate goodbyes, but because I've had so many they're very important to me - I have to do them right. Which means it hurts. But if I don't connect at all, in order to avoid the pain, it is just a miserable life. I tried that my junior year furlough and don't want to do it again. But now I can't really start new relationships without seeing the pain at the end. Even thinking about Mexico - I know I'll bond with the staff and other students, there are only nine of us going and you can't help it in a group that size. But whenever I think of that, I think of the fact that the semester is only four months long and how much pain there will be at the end. I know that I can't hold back from living my present in fear of the future pain, and I won't do that while I'm in Mexico, but it is still looming in my mind.
I guess... I guess what I'm trying to say with all this is that I want someone - anyone - to see my pain and understand. I can't tell the people I live with, because I have very carefully constructed this front of being ok. After all, I'm the international traveler, I shouldn't have a problem with it. But I'm not ok. I'm scared and hurting and alone and I just want someone to care. Which leaves you, my audience - some of whom I know are MKs and will understand and that is what I'm hoping for.
I just have to keep telling myself that with God I will never really be alone and that he understands it all and knows exactly what I need. I have to believe it. I know he loves me and will never let me go - I just wish I could feel his arms...
I'm scared. The thought of going off to Mexico scares me, if I'm honest. The plane travel doesn't bother me, nor does the thought of Mexico itself scare me, I have nothing against Mexicans. I am afraid of being alone. I will be with people, two of whom I have met briefly more than six months ago. But I don't really know any of them and that means I will be alone. There are so many things I don't know about where I am going and what I am doing and that uncertainty scares me. What if I have done all my preparation wrong? What if I get there and I can't handle it? Is there any way for me to go home? Or something close to home, since I don't really have one. What if I can't get along with the people? What if I can't do the things they ask of me? I know uncertainty is part of any transition, no matter where from or to, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Of course I'm excited - this will be something new and interesting and something I will probably never get the chance to do again. I will probably have some wonderful moments while I'm there and I'm hoping to learn many things that I wouldn't be able to anywhere else. I am hoping to come back changed for the better. But deep down I am scared.
The other thing I am dealing with is how much I dislike packing. I think because it involves so many decisions and I dislike those. But I have to do it. I haven't actually got anything in my bags yet - I sorted everything today into piles of 'going to EduVenture' and 'not going', but nothing is in the bags. And my Aunt told me tonight not to worry because I have all of tomorrow (Sunday) and part of Monday morning if I need it. But at some point I know I am just going to flat run out of time and I hope I am where I need to be when that happens. And there are so many unfinished things that I haven't told anyone about. So many things that I should have done a month ago, or two months, and haven't. But I haven't told anyone because what could they do about it? I am the one that has to do the things and all they could do would be to tell me that. But it adds another load to the stress.
Another thing is these odd waves of homesickness I keep getting. I think it is because any transition makes me think of leaving PNG. But in the past couple of days, random things have been triggering it and that's distressing. Like just earlier in this entry when I asked if there was any way I could go home - and then I thought 'I don't have a home, really.' And it nearly made me cry. Somedays I'm fine with not having a "real" home, most of the time I think it's great. But some days it's hard. Dad e-mailed me the other night and mentioned that he was off to play volleyball and wished I could come watch. I watched and/or played volleyball on the upper oval just about every Saturday of my Senior year - it was something we could share together. But when he mentioned wanting me to come, it just about made me cry because I suddenly wished so hard that I could be there that it almost hurt. I know bits of homesickness are going to be part of my life for the rest of my life, that just comes with being who I am. And I know that I will never really have a home on this earth, which is ok because it makes me look forward to heaven - when I will never have to say goodbye or move again. But it hurts, living this way.
The goodbyes here hurt, too. This is my third summer with the college group here and I've gotten to know some of them a lot better this year. I hate goodbyes, but because I've had so many they're very important to me - I have to do them right. Which means it hurts. But if I don't connect at all, in order to avoid the pain, it is just a miserable life. I tried that my junior year furlough and don't want to do it again. But now I can't really start new relationships without seeing the pain at the end. Even thinking about Mexico - I know I'll bond with the staff and other students, there are only nine of us going and you can't help it in a group that size. But whenever I think of that, I think of the fact that the semester is only four months long and how much pain there will be at the end. I know that I can't hold back from living my present in fear of the future pain, and I won't do that while I'm in Mexico, but it is still looming in my mind.
I guess... I guess what I'm trying to say with all this is that I want someone - anyone - to see my pain and understand. I can't tell the people I live with, because I have very carefully constructed this front of being ok. After all, I'm the international traveler, I shouldn't have a problem with it. But I'm not ok. I'm scared and hurting and alone and I just want someone to care. Which leaves you, my audience - some of whom I know are MKs and will understand and that is what I'm hoping for.
I just have to keep telling myself that with God I will never really be alone and that he understands it all and knows exactly what I need. I have to believe it. I know he loves me and will never let me go - I just wish I could feel his arms...