i don't feel so alone.
i don't feel so alone.
kris/suho - pg-13 - angst - 2077 words
he spends hours at night, welcoming the longing for a shadow, the phantom touches and sweet words.
Joonmyun wakes up and he's missing something.
He wakes up and he suddenly feels like there's a hole in his heart, a hole in his life, an empty void that was left vacated all of a sudden. He rolls out of bed lazily, and it startles him when his fingertips search for a trace of warmth on the other side of his bed. Or is it theirs? He doesn't know. Has he ever shared a bed with someone? Has he ever had anyone to share a bed with?
It's like waking up with amnesia, knowing that there's something wrong but not knowing what it is. It's like walking around, looking for something so desperately but not actually knowing what or why you're searching for it.
Joonmyun spends his nights in the dark, lying down on the other half of the bed, trying to look for the phantom warmth on the sheets, warmth that he knows isn't there. He feels it, the hand holding his; he hears it, a deep voice whispering into his ears; he tastes it, the sweet kiss of a loved one.
Every night, Joonmyun senses these flashes of unfamiliar memories, and even if he doesn't know where they come from, it's almost reflex for him to lean back against a broad chest that isn't there, pull a figure closer and then realize that he's reaching out at air, smile at a blurry face that becomes a shadow, nothing at all.
"I think I'm losing my mind," Joonmyun tells his psychiatrist, Minseok. The older male motions for him to sit back and talk calmly.
"When did this start?" Minseok asks.
"I woke up one day, and I felt lost. I felt like I was lacking something in my life, but there's nothing. I don't remember being in a relationship with someone. I don't remember feeling loved or anything like that. Then these flashes and glimpses of a life that's so unfamiliar come into my mind, and I don't know what to do with myself. Everyday, I'm searching for someone that isn't there, a person who my body accepts but my mind doesn't. I don't know what to do!"
Minseok writes things down on his piece of paper, but he crumples it up and throws it into the bin anyway. "I was about to say something smart, diagnose you with a condition or something, but I just need to make sure of something. What do you remember about the car accident you were in a year ago?"
Joonmyun's head starts throbbing at the thought of the car accident that he still can't remember. "I woke up on a hospital bed and my parents and the doctor told me I was in a car accident. I broke a few bones and had a head injury, but I recovered well. They also said I was in a coma for a week or so." Joonmyun pauses. "That's it."
"Really? They didn't tell you anything more?" Minseok asks, a little outraged by the sound of it.
"Yes. I assumed that those were the most important things about the accident and myself," answers Joonmyun.
Minseok takes a deep breath. "I suggest you try and piece together whatever you can remember. All of those little pieces and fragments of memories may help you somehow if you stop rejecting them as hallucinations and see them as parts of yourself that you may not have rediscovered yet."
"What do you mean by 'rediscovered?'" Joonmyun asks quietly, slowly growing suspicious.
"Just follow what I told you, Joonmyun, and get some rest," advises Minseok.
And so Joonmyun follows. He spends hours at night, welcoming the longing for a shadow, the phantom touches and sweet words.
"I love you," Joonmyun hears himself say. There's no response until Joonmyun feels the softness of a pair of lips against his, and Joonmyun's eyes close reflexively.
"I love you too," the person says, and Joonmyun feels himself shaking at the beautiful depth of that voice and how much he loves it. Joonmyun doesn't open his eyes, revelling in the surprise he feels with every kiss pressed against his skin.
Joonmyun opens his eyes and he sees the person packing up his clothes, pulling them out angrily from the drawers. Joonmyun sees himself rushing to the tall figure and hugging him tightly, putting back some of his clothes.
"Don't leave. Please don't leave me," Joonmyun pleads. The person shakes his head, but Joonmyun grabs his face and forces him to pay attention. Everything's a blur. He doesn't even see who he's talking to. "Why are you doing this?"
"This isn't going to work, Joonmyun. You have your life perfectly planned out, and I know that I don't belong in that." Joonmyun feels his heart breaking as he hears those words, but it's weak, as if he's already felt the disappointment before.
"Those are my parents' plans, not mine. In my mind, the future is us, not the company, not a wife who I will never love as much as I love you, not a family that I will have to force myself to care for. None of those will ever happen. It's just us."
"You can say that as much as you want, Joonmyun." The person kisses him, softly and sweetly, perfect but still heartbreaking. "But we both know that we just aren't meant to be."
The man walks away and Joonmyun sees himself chasing after him. A few minutes later, Joonmyun hears the sound of a car crashing into something.
And slowly he begins to understand.
His mystery's been solved, but the man's identity hasn't. Joonmyun feels as if the world has known for so long, but they've been hiding everything from him for the past year. He feels the anger surging from his heart, the tears, the betrayal rising with the bile in his throat. He feels so upset and angry and betrayed and lost and empty and desperate to know who this person is, why he really left, if he would ever want to come back to someone who barely even remembers why he loves him.
Joonmyun sleeps fitfully that night, more and more memories invading his dreams. He sees kisses shared anywhere and everywhere they won't easily be seen; lazy Sundays on the couch while watching TV; dinner dates on a balcony that Joonmyun can't really recognize, eating food that's probably cooked by the other person since Joonmyun can't cook many edible things; a long row of shot glasses on the table before they share their first drunken kiss; a soft whisper into Joonmyun's ears, a gentle "I love you"; a huge t-shirt that Joonmyun refuses to give back, still collecting dust in his drawer.
He spends almost ten minutes staring at the oversized shirt, debating on whether or not he should sniff it. When he closes his eyes, he can briefly see a sharp outline of a nose before the shirt is forcefully slipped off him and tossed aside and the person sucks harshly at his pale collarbone.
Joonmyun shivers. He needs a cold shower this morning.
After he eats a quick breakfast, there's a knock on the door. It's Sehun, his next-door neighbor. "Sehun, what brings you here?"
Sehun hands him a frappe with a blank face. "Don't thank me. Someone sent it and it isn't poisoned, so I'm sure it's a gift."
"How are you sure it's for me?" asks Joonmyun, a little skeptical.
"Look at the name on the side," Sehun says absently. "I'll get going now."
Joonmyun stares at the neat print on the cup. "Thank you, Sehun."
For the next few days, Joonmyun receives a cup of coffee every morning. It's pretty sweet, even if Joonmyun doesn't actually know who it comes from. A part of him wants to believe that it's his person, but that's unlikely. He's sure that he's heard of the car accident and eventually the amnesia.
It doesn't really matter until it stops. Joonmyun feels pathetic for even expecting anything, but he has to admit that he needs that damn cup of coffee. It doesn't matter if it's not from his mysterious provider; he needs a dose of caffeine.
When he enters the coffee shop, he's bumped back by a tall man standing from one of the last seats in the bustling shop. Joonmyun ignores him and buys his cup. Surprisingly, the seat's still vacant when he goes back.
Surprisingly, there's a napkin with writing on it. Now, Joonmyun isn't the type to snoop into other people's business, but he's honestly curious. It wouldn't matter if he took a peek, right?
13.11.10 - Namsan Tower.
I'm searching for you; please wait for me.
Joonmyun's brain feels like it's splitting open at the sight of the date. He suddenly remembers a picture he saw in one of his drawers, a photo of him and a tall man--my favorite giant--in front of the love locks at night.
"Happy anniversary," Joonmyun whispered.
"I love you," his person said. The kiss was insignificant when Joonmyun felt the ring being pressed against his palm. He pulled away, staring at the diamond ring in his hand.
"You can't be serious," Joonmyun asked, tearing up in happiness.
"Do you not want it, then?" His person was supposed to sound joking, but his voice was cracking too much, and his smiled looked pained with how nervous he was.
"I don't want it," Joonmyun said. "It doesn't matter. I just want you."
Joonmyun gasps for air, and the people near him start staring. He grabs the napkin and walks out, not caring about the coffee or anything else. Could he still be nearby? Could it be him though?
That night, Joonmyun goes straight to Namsan Tower, not caring if his person probably won't be there. He buys a lock that's big enough to write his message on, and he stands in front of the empty spot. Hesitantly, he uncaps the marker and started writing.
16.05.21
I'm searching for you; please wait for me.
He hears a lock clicking and turns to his left. There's a tall man staring fondly at the lock in his hand, and then he turns to throw the key into the large box. Joonmyun stares at him for a few more seconds before the man turns to face him. Joonmyun blushes and looks away quickly.
"Excuse me," the man says with a deep voice, "did you, perhaps, write 'I'm searching for you; please wait for me' on that lock?"
Joonmyun turns to face him, a shocked expression on his face. "What-- how did you know?"
"Maybe I just do," the man says nonchalantly, and Joonmyun grips onto his arms when he feels like collapsing. Briefly, he sees it, the blur of a face that he sees all the time in his dreams becoming clearer and clearer and clearer until he realizes that he's staring right at him.
He's found his person.
I've been searching for you. Thank you for waiting for me.
"Please, please, tell me who I am," Joonmyun says weakly, looking up at the man before him. He's not ready to name him yet, not ready to trust his shifty memories just yet.
"You are Kim Joonmyun," he says softly. "Kim Joonmyun, the love of my life."
Joonmyun smiles at that for a second. "And who are you?"
"I am Wu Yifan," he answers, holding Joonmyun tighter against him.
"Wu Yifan, the love of my life...?" Joonmyun's grin grows impossibly wide with the sight of Yifan smiling at him too. "Am I right?"
"Yes, Joonmyun," Yifan says gently as he leans their foreheads together. Joonmyun remembers how they did this during their first time on Namsan Tower together too. "You're always right."
"That I am," says Joonmyun. He willingly melts into Yifan's arms, accepting his embrace. For now, he doesn't care about the world. He doesn't care about anything else other than finding his person, someone who he didn't even know he was searching for.
Hours later, as soon as they announce that the attraction is going to close in a few minutes, Joonmyun pulls away from Yifan's arms. "What did you write on the lock you bought today?"
Yifan smiles and stands, leading Joonmyun to where he remembers he placed his lock. "This one," he points out. Joonmyun leans closer to understand the messy handwriting.
16.05.21-16.05.22
Happy Birthday, love. As many times as I blink, I'll think of you tonight.
a/n: THIS WAS COMPLETE WORD VOMIT IM SO SORRY OKAY I JUST WANTED TO BE SAD FOR A LITTLE BIT
kris/suho - pg-13 - angst - 2077 words
he spends hours at night, welcoming the longing for a shadow, the phantom touches and sweet words.
Joonmyun wakes up and he's missing something.
He wakes up and he suddenly feels like there's a hole in his heart, a hole in his life, an empty void that was left vacated all of a sudden. He rolls out of bed lazily, and it startles him when his fingertips search for a trace of warmth on the other side of his bed. Or is it theirs? He doesn't know. Has he ever shared a bed with someone? Has he ever had anyone to share a bed with?
It's like waking up with amnesia, knowing that there's something wrong but not knowing what it is. It's like walking around, looking for something so desperately but not actually knowing what or why you're searching for it.
Joonmyun spends his nights in the dark, lying down on the other half of the bed, trying to look for the phantom warmth on the sheets, warmth that he knows isn't there. He feels it, the hand holding his; he hears it, a deep voice whispering into his ears; he tastes it, the sweet kiss of a loved one.
Every night, Joonmyun senses these flashes of unfamiliar memories, and even if he doesn't know where they come from, it's almost reflex for him to lean back against a broad chest that isn't there, pull a figure closer and then realize that he's reaching out at air, smile at a blurry face that becomes a shadow, nothing at all.
"I think I'm losing my mind," Joonmyun tells his psychiatrist, Minseok. The older male motions for him to sit back and talk calmly.
"When did this start?" Minseok asks.
"I woke up one day, and I felt lost. I felt like I was lacking something in my life, but there's nothing. I don't remember being in a relationship with someone. I don't remember feeling loved or anything like that. Then these flashes and glimpses of a life that's so unfamiliar come into my mind, and I don't know what to do with myself. Everyday, I'm searching for someone that isn't there, a person who my body accepts but my mind doesn't. I don't know what to do!"
Minseok writes things down on his piece of paper, but he crumples it up and throws it into the bin anyway. "I was about to say something smart, diagnose you with a condition or something, but I just need to make sure of something. What do you remember about the car accident you were in a year ago?"
Joonmyun's head starts throbbing at the thought of the car accident that he still can't remember. "I woke up on a hospital bed and my parents and the doctor told me I was in a car accident. I broke a few bones and had a head injury, but I recovered well. They also said I was in a coma for a week or so." Joonmyun pauses. "That's it."
"Really? They didn't tell you anything more?" Minseok asks, a little outraged by the sound of it.
"Yes. I assumed that those were the most important things about the accident and myself," answers Joonmyun.
Minseok takes a deep breath. "I suggest you try and piece together whatever you can remember. All of those little pieces and fragments of memories may help you somehow if you stop rejecting them as hallucinations and see them as parts of yourself that you may not have rediscovered yet."
"What do you mean by 'rediscovered?'" Joonmyun asks quietly, slowly growing suspicious.
"Just follow what I told you, Joonmyun, and get some rest," advises Minseok.
And so Joonmyun follows. He spends hours at night, welcoming the longing for a shadow, the phantom touches and sweet words.
"I love you," Joonmyun hears himself say. There's no response until Joonmyun feels the softness of a pair of lips against his, and Joonmyun's eyes close reflexively.
"I love you too," the person says, and Joonmyun feels himself shaking at the beautiful depth of that voice and how much he loves it. Joonmyun doesn't open his eyes, revelling in the surprise he feels with every kiss pressed against his skin.
Joonmyun opens his eyes and he sees the person packing up his clothes, pulling them out angrily from the drawers. Joonmyun sees himself rushing to the tall figure and hugging him tightly, putting back some of his clothes.
"Don't leave. Please don't leave me," Joonmyun pleads. The person shakes his head, but Joonmyun grabs his face and forces him to pay attention. Everything's a blur. He doesn't even see who he's talking to. "Why are you doing this?"
"This isn't going to work, Joonmyun. You have your life perfectly planned out, and I know that I don't belong in that." Joonmyun feels his heart breaking as he hears those words, but it's weak, as if he's already felt the disappointment before.
"Those are my parents' plans, not mine. In my mind, the future is us, not the company, not a wife who I will never love as much as I love you, not a family that I will have to force myself to care for. None of those will ever happen. It's just us."
"You can say that as much as you want, Joonmyun." The person kisses him, softly and sweetly, perfect but still heartbreaking. "But we both know that we just aren't meant to be."
The man walks away and Joonmyun sees himself chasing after him. A few minutes later, Joonmyun hears the sound of a car crashing into something.
And slowly he begins to understand.
His mystery's been solved, but the man's identity hasn't. Joonmyun feels as if the world has known for so long, but they've been hiding everything from him for the past year. He feels the anger surging from his heart, the tears, the betrayal rising with the bile in his throat. He feels so upset and angry and betrayed and lost and empty and desperate to know who this person is, why he really left, if he would ever want to come back to someone who barely even remembers why he loves him.
Joonmyun sleeps fitfully that night, more and more memories invading his dreams. He sees kisses shared anywhere and everywhere they won't easily be seen; lazy Sundays on the couch while watching TV; dinner dates on a balcony that Joonmyun can't really recognize, eating food that's probably cooked by the other person since Joonmyun can't cook many edible things; a long row of shot glasses on the table before they share their first drunken kiss; a soft whisper into Joonmyun's ears, a gentle "I love you"; a huge t-shirt that Joonmyun refuses to give back, still collecting dust in his drawer.
He spends almost ten minutes staring at the oversized shirt, debating on whether or not he should sniff it. When he closes his eyes, he can briefly see a sharp outline of a nose before the shirt is forcefully slipped off him and tossed aside and the person sucks harshly at his pale collarbone.
Joonmyun shivers. He needs a cold shower this morning.
After he eats a quick breakfast, there's a knock on the door. It's Sehun, his next-door neighbor. "Sehun, what brings you here?"
Sehun hands him a frappe with a blank face. "Don't thank me. Someone sent it and it isn't poisoned, so I'm sure it's a gift."
"How are you sure it's for me?" asks Joonmyun, a little skeptical.
"Look at the name on the side," Sehun says absently. "I'll get going now."
Joonmyun stares at the neat print on the cup. "Thank you, Sehun."
For the next few days, Joonmyun receives a cup of coffee every morning. It's pretty sweet, even if Joonmyun doesn't actually know who it comes from. A part of him wants to believe that it's his person, but that's unlikely. He's sure that he's heard of the car accident and eventually the amnesia.
It doesn't really matter until it stops. Joonmyun feels pathetic for even expecting anything, but he has to admit that he needs that damn cup of coffee. It doesn't matter if it's not from his mysterious provider; he needs a dose of caffeine.
When he enters the coffee shop, he's bumped back by a tall man standing from one of the last seats in the bustling shop. Joonmyun ignores him and buys his cup. Surprisingly, the seat's still vacant when he goes back.
Surprisingly, there's a napkin with writing on it. Now, Joonmyun isn't the type to snoop into other people's business, but he's honestly curious. It wouldn't matter if he took a peek, right?
13.11.10 - Namsan Tower.
I'm searching for you; please wait for me.
Joonmyun's brain feels like it's splitting open at the sight of the date. He suddenly remembers a picture he saw in one of his drawers, a photo of him and a tall man--my favorite giant--in front of the love locks at night.
"Happy anniversary," Joonmyun whispered.
"I love you," his person said. The kiss was insignificant when Joonmyun felt the ring being pressed against his palm. He pulled away, staring at the diamond ring in his hand.
"You can't be serious," Joonmyun asked, tearing up in happiness.
"Do you not want it, then?" His person was supposed to sound joking, but his voice was cracking too much, and his smiled looked pained with how nervous he was.
"I don't want it," Joonmyun said. "It doesn't matter. I just want you."
Joonmyun gasps for air, and the people near him start staring. He grabs the napkin and walks out, not caring about the coffee or anything else. Could he still be nearby? Could it be him though?
That night, Joonmyun goes straight to Namsan Tower, not caring if his person probably won't be there. He buys a lock that's big enough to write his message on, and he stands in front of the empty spot. Hesitantly, he uncaps the marker and started writing.
16.05.21
I'm searching for you; please wait for me.
He hears a lock clicking and turns to his left. There's a tall man staring fondly at the lock in his hand, and then he turns to throw the key into the large box. Joonmyun stares at him for a few more seconds before the man turns to face him. Joonmyun blushes and looks away quickly.
"Excuse me," the man says with a deep voice, "did you, perhaps, write 'I'm searching for you; please wait for me' on that lock?"
Joonmyun turns to face him, a shocked expression on his face. "What-- how did you know?"
"Maybe I just do," the man says nonchalantly, and Joonmyun grips onto his arms when he feels like collapsing. Briefly, he sees it, the blur of a face that he sees all the time in his dreams becoming clearer and clearer and clearer until he realizes that he's staring right at him.
He's found his person.
I've been searching for you. Thank you for waiting for me.
"Please, please, tell me who I am," Joonmyun says weakly, looking up at the man before him. He's not ready to name him yet, not ready to trust his shifty memories just yet.
"You are Kim Joonmyun," he says softly. "Kim Joonmyun, the love of my life."
Joonmyun smiles at that for a second. "And who are you?"
"I am Wu Yifan," he answers, holding Joonmyun tighter against him.
"Wu Yifan, the love of my life...?" Joonmyun's grin grows impossibly wide with the sight of Yifan smiling at him too. "Am I right?"
"Yes, Joonmyun," Yifan says gently as he leans their foreheads together. Joonmyun remembers how they did this during their first time on Namsan Tower together too. "You're always right."
"That I am," says Joonmyun. He willingly melts into Yifan's arms, accepting his embrace. For now, he doesn't care about the world. He doesn't care about anything else other than finding his person, someone who he didn't even know he was searching for.
Hours later, as soon as they announce that the attraction is going to close in a few minutes, Joonmyun pulls away from Yifan's arms. "What did you write on the lock you bought today?"
Yifan smiles and stands, leading Joonmyun to where he remembers he placed his lock. "This one," he points out. Joonmyun leans closer to understand the messy handwriting.
16.05.21-16.05.22
Happy Birthday, love. As many times as I blink, I'll think of you tonight.
a/n: THIS WAS COMPLETE WORD VOMIT IM SO SORRY OKAY I JUST WANTED TO BE SAD FOR A LITTLE BIT