Words are only words
*yaaawn*
aaah i'm tired, and soo sick of keeping things to myself just because i'm afraid it will affend people or make them sad. nothing i have to say should impact anyone to any great extent so here goes :) I'ma join the long indepth lj entry club! saaaaweet!
I'm goin nuts here. Jeff told me the other day though that I was a very private person, I never thought of me like that so much but I suppose he was right. I'm not sure if he realizes just how right he is. There is so much that has gone unsaid between him and I which is torture, and so unnecessary. I hate it a lot to be honest. I couldn't even explain the situation to you if I tried because he still won't let me in on what he was thinking, assuing he was thinking at all. I know I wasn't, well, I was and I liked it at the time but bad things have happened and It makes me sad to this day, I still think about him and everything a lot. too much, but its hard not to. He always made me feel so special and everything. Him and I still talk and all, like talk about relationships and what not, he describes girls he likes or what would be good for him, and I always think that maybe, he was talking about me, or describing me and not realizing it, but that is never the case and prolly never will be. He makes me cry, but prolly didn't know it. or did and didn't care. Either way I'll never know. Now I'm workin to move on, to get over that shiznit, now I found Tim, Of course he has to be off limits, or out of reach because of Amanda. Its such a battle of heart and mind there. There really is no right answer in that situation, once I started it anyway. thats right, I STARTED IT. I'll pay for it, whatever blah. He is nicer to me than any boy has ever been, EVER. (Cept prolly travis, but right now I see the two of them in a different light. I suppose that doesnt change the fact that travis is always nice to me too.) Ya know what though, I like it, a lot. I am however kind of afraid of getting real involved because I don't like being sad, and relationships like that usually don't end in anything else. One thing about it though that is the worst is keeping things from Amanda, I don't like it at all, but gaaaaah, like I said, no right answer. Not at this point anyway, I love Amanda, though she'll prolly never believe that again from me, shes amazing, but sometimes it just seems unfair, or so competative, I don't like competing against my friends like that, it makes me sad, and because they are my friends I don't think I should really compete back. So I try and let it go. Something though still get to me, like I said, jeff still a lot, and travis, I feel terrible for treating travis the way I do sometimes. Hes an amazing kid and well, I've been a bitch, all kinds of stuff last year around this time, was just uncalled for. He tells me all the time that he gets clingy as if I didnt' notice lol, but its nice of him, and I pretty much never regret spending time with travis. :)
I really wish I could say that I am totally innocent in all of these situations, buuuut I can't. With jeff, I let myself go back, I still chose to keep going and let it happen over and over, eventhough (like on Valentines day to be most recent and specific) I knew exactly how it would go down. I tried talking to him about it later, ya know make it a lil different than our previous engagements, and he said "Monkey" effin sweet. That night (meaning valentines day) I told Tim about what was gonna happen, he was such a sweetheart and hasn't stopped since then. I let that happen too, I let myself get involved with him therefore hurting or destroying my relationship with Amanda. I can't tell yet. With travis, well, Hes not going away and I woudn't want him to. Though I have really been a bitch to him.
*shifts back to the normal private emilee mode*
aaaand we're done. Don't take it as an attack on anyone mentioned. I'm just so sick and tired of keeping all this stuff to myself, or only letting it out to those who aren't involved. I'll prolly end up deleting this entry as well if I don't get any feedback.
aaah i'm tired, and soo sick of keeping things to myself just because i'm afraid it will affend people or make them sad. nothing i have to say should impact anyone to any great extent so here goes :) I'ma join the long indepth lj entry club! saaaaweet!
I'm goin nuts here. Jeff told me the other day though that I was a very private person, I never thought of me like that so much but I suppose he was right. I'm not sure if he realizes just how right he is. There is so much that has gone unsaid between him and I which is torture, and so unnecessary. I hate it a lot to be honest. I couldn't even explain the situation to you if I tried because he still won't let me in on what he was thinking, assuing he was thinking at all. I know I wasn't, well, I was and I liked it at the time but bad things have happened and It makes me sad to this day, I still think about him and everything a lot. too much, but its hard not to. He always made me feel so special and everything. Him and I still talk and all, like talk about relationships and what not, he describes girls he likes or what would be good for him, and I always think that maybe, he was talking about me, or describing me and not realizing it, but that is never the case and prolly never will be. He makes me cry, but prolly didn't know it. or did and didn't care. Either way I'll never know. Now I'm workin to move on, to get over that shiznit, now I found Tim, Of course he has to be off limits, or out of reach because of Amanda. Its such a battle of heart and mind there. There really is no right answer in that situation, once I started it anyway. thats right, I STARTED IT. I'll pay for it, whatever blah. He is nicer to me than any boy has ever been, EVER. (Cept prolly travis, but right now I see the two of them in a different light. I suppose that doesnt change the fact that travis is always nice to me too.) Ya know what though, I like it, a lot. I am however kind of afraid of getting real involved because I don't like being sad, and relationships like that usually don't end in anything else. One thing about it though that is the worst is keeping things from Amanda, I don't like it at all, but gaaaaah, like I said, no right answer. Not at this point anyway, I love Amanda, though she'll prolly never believe that again from me, shes amazing, but sometimes it just seems unfair, or so competative, I don't like competing against my friends like that, it makes me sad, and because they are my friends I don't think I should really compete back. So I try and let it go. Something though still get to me, like I said, jeff still a lot, and travis, I feel terrible for treating travis the way I do sometimes. Hes an amazing kid and well, I've been a bitch, all kinds of stuff last year around this time, was just uncalled for. He tells me all the time that he gets clingy as if I didnt' notice lol, but its nice of him, and I pretty much never regret spending time with travis. :)
I really wish I could say that I am totally innocent in all of these situations, buuuut I can't. With jeff, I let myself go back, I still chose to keep going and let it happen over and over, eventhough (like on Valentines day to be most recent and specific) I knew exactly how it would go down. I tried talking to him about it later, ya know make it a lil different than our previous engagements, and he said "Monkey" effin sweet. That night (meaning valentines day) I told Tim about what was gonna happen, he was such a sweetheart and hasn't stopped since then. I let that happen too, I let myself get involved with him therefore hurting or destroying my relationship with Amanda. I can't tell yet. With travis, well, Hes not going away and I woudn't want him to. Though I have really been a bitch to him.
*shifts back to the normal private emilee mode*
aaaand we're done. Don't take it as an attack on anyone mentioned. I'm just so sick and tired of keeping all this stuff to myself, or only letting it out to those who aren't involved. I'll prolly end up deleting this entry as well if I don't get any feedback.