My Own little Masquerade
When something happens in my life, it is almost instinct to put up my shield. People sidestepping my barriers, my force field meant to block out anything bad - or anything that I know could hurt me. With certain people I've wanted to say
"oh yeah, I trust you with everything. I -have- no barriers with you!"
But I know that that is a lie. I've discovered that recently. I thought that I was completely open, that I wasn't holding anything back, and because of that I was truly happy.. at least I thought I was. I felt good, whole, complete. I know that so many people will say that in their lifetime, yet for someone who is a magician with masks, it meant a lot more than just the plain words "I love you."
I feel as if I've let people down before by my lack of trust in them. I wonder if it has effected my relationships more than I've simply observed. I know that I've lost friends, good friends, because of my fear. My fear of being open, vulnerability, pain. No one wants to feel pain, not that pain I'm talking of. Though it's not just of my fear of the heart wretching, soul crushing pain, I fear for the pain of others. The cause and effect. The way that MY actions make people feel and (hopefully it's a rarity) hurt. I dont want to hurt people. Why would I wish this pain that I've grown to hate so much on other people?
Manipulation is such a heart crushing thing. When you take a step out of the situation and look at it through the eyes of others, it feels like your heart is being torn out, thrown on the ground, and stomped on. How do I know? Lets just say that I know and leave it at that, because I don't even think I want to think about it myself. I know want to admit that I've been fooled, the tricks have been played on me. I Am Not In Control. And I've always wanted to be, strive to be, need to be. For my own sanity and the sanity of others.
Now, I'm nowhere near a control freak.. anyone that truly knows me will say that, yes, they know me as the indecisive one. The one that is a people pleaser, the giver.. and yet even within those regiments, I want to have the last say. I can say no... I think. At least I thought I could. And yet when I look at myself, pathetically crying my eyes out and begging for a second chance...I see first hand that I. Am. Not. In. Control.
Why am I sharing all of this? I dont know. I need to share it I guess. My heart is on overload and it's threatening to snap. I need answers, good ones, ones that I can manage. Ones that I can live my life and be happy about..and not always be looking at that decision as the bad one, or that one mistake, or that time I let it "get away".
I'm tired of my masks. I'm tired of holding my slippery heart in my hands and hoping that I dont drop it and dirty it in the muck. I want to spread my love, I want to expose myself and have it end in a good way... -sigh- I just want it to all turn out well.. without my heart and my mind having to disagree.
"oh yeah, I trust you with everything. I -have- no barriers with you!"
But I know that that is a lie. I've discovered that recently. I thought that I was completely open, that I wasn't holding anything back, and because of that I was truly happy.. at least I thought I was. I felt good, whole, complete. I know that so many people will say that in their lifetime, yet for someone who is a magician with masks, it meant a lot more than just the plain words "I love you."
I feel as if I've let people down before by my lack of trust in them. I wonder if it has effected my relationships more than I've simply observed. I know that I've lost friends, good friends, because of my fear. My fear of being open, vulnerability, pain. No one wants to feel pain, not that pain I'm talking of. Though it's not just of my fear of the heart wretching, soul crushing pain, I fear for the pain of others. The cause and effect. The way that MY actions make people feel and (hopefully it's a rarity) hurt. I dont want to hurt people. Why would I wish this pain that I've grown to hate so much on other people?
Manipulation is such a heart crushing thing. When you take a step out of the situation and look at it through the eyes of others, it feels like your heart is being torn out, thrown on the ground, and stomped on. How do I know? Lets just say that I know and leave it at that, because I don't even think I want to think about it myself. I know want to admit that I've been fooled, the tricks have been played on me. I Am Not In Control. And I've always wanted to be, strive to be, need to be. For my own sanity and the sanity of others.
Now, I'm nowhere near a control freak.. anyone that truly knows me will say that, yes, they know me as the indecisive one. The one that is a people pleaser, the giver.. and yet even within those regiments, I want to have the last say. I can say no... I think. At least I thought I could. And yet when I look at myself, pathetically crying my eyes out and begging for a second chance...I see first hand that I. Am. Not. In. Control.
Why am I sharing all of this? I dont know. I need to share it I guess. My heart is on overload and it's threatening to snap. I need answers, good ones, ones that I can manage. Ones that I can live my life and be happy about..and not always be looking at that decision as the bad one, or that one mistake, or that time I let it "get away".
I'm tired of my masks. I'm tired of holding my slippery heart in my hands and hoping that I dont drop it and dirty it in the muck. I want to spread my love, I want to expose myself and have it end in a good way... -sigh- I just want it to all turn out well.. without my heart and my mind having to disagree.