the sun keeps rising...

[jumbilia]

ive been spending my days filling my head with thoughts of the past and the potential the future can hold. I think of how neglectful i have been in the past to people that i loved, and how often i took for granted the honestly and love they gave me. its funny the things you remember about certian people, the little detials. i can remember exactly the way their faces looked when they laughed. the friends of the past. i can picture every like wrinkle and crease that is created by their grins, or how their teeth showed between their lips, or the sounds of thier giggles and laughs. its what i miss the most. i could make a list of people that i miss everyday, and i could make a list of things i wish i had done some much differently as i look back on my life. and i cant say i have no regrets, because i do have many, and maybe everything does happen for a reason to bring me to a different place in life, but it is often hard to have faith in that, or to see the light at the end of the tunnel. lately i have been living in that darkness. i lack the motivation to get out of bed and attempt to improve my life. id rather waste it away between my sheets. i used to feel this was going to be my year to finally truely shine, but its turning out to be the worst ive had that i can remember. im just wondering when it will finally be impossible for the next day to be worse than the previous. i have no one to blame but myself. and i take full repsonsibilty for the hole ive put myself in. i wish it would all just melt away.

everything i see and do still reminds me of you, and i wish i was still sharing it with you, or meeting you at the top of my stiars and whispering secrets and just staring into your face and i could go on and on and on and on and on, but it would never make any difference anyway.

im sorry to anyone that still reads this that i have neglected in the past or have hurt or betrayed or taken for granted or negetively affected in anyway. i hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me and the things i have done, because although i may have never found the way to say it, i am truely deeply sorry. and i hope someday i may even be able to forgive myself.

i hope everyone is enjoying their new year and have happiness if their lives.
i wish you all the best.
xo