Time to get a groove on...
Well, I have just returned from watching “The Emperor’s New Groove.” High quality comedy, let me tell you… it was worth the outrageous prices that they charge you for tickets nowadays… David Spade makes a great spoiled brat of an emperor, and the guy who is the sidekick to the evil lady is a hoot, too. I was just interested to notice that I thought we were going to go see “What Women Want”… yet when we get to the theater, things change. And no one seemed to care if that was okay with me. *sighs* I’m having some ‘best friend’ issues, and they are making things a little unhappy around here right about now. Seeing as she doesn’t want me to ever meet some of her friends, and some of her friends flat out don’t want to meet me either, yet I always try to include her in what me and my friends are doing… well, I’m going to stop making the effort since it’s not appreciated anyway and I get passed over and receive nothing but silence in return. I think I know when to quit when I know it’s not getting me anywhere… but that doesn’t make it feel any better.
Anyhoo, on to other things…
Any idea why I can stay up til 4 am on the phone with Sweetie and wake up the next day feeling none the worse? Probably because talking for hours about nothing and everything to someone you love is such a good feeling that you don’t mind being tired the next day. Truth be told, and I know he knows this, but I’ll say it again anyway: hearing him talk to me - and especially hearing him laugh - is just the best sound in the entire world. I can’t think of any place I’d rather be right then and there, other than right where he actually is so that I could do other things with my hands besides hold a phone…
Oooookay… I just realized how that sounds. *sighs* Oh well, we established last night that at times we both have a one track mind at times… even most of the time… so why and try to hide it? Hell, I probably meant it to sound like that anyway… even though I was really talking about being hugged, not anything else. Oh well, too late to take it back now ;)
Anyway, what spawned yet another of our recurring, middle-of-the-night, long, in-depth conversations was actually an idea that had been thrown out a few hours earlier by a mutual friend of ours. Our friend Becky is planning on getting married here sometime in the next year or two, and well, I’m planning on moving out east in the next year or two… so we just kind of put two and two together. My main concern has been basically where am I going to live? I don’t want to live by myself if at all possible, and I definitely don’t want to live in a dorm if I don’t have to. Well, Beck and her boy are planning on moving into a different place at some point in the future, so her and I thought well, hell, why don’t I just move in with them? Saves me the hassle of finding an apartment, and splitting bills three ways is a lot easier than trying to pay for things on my own. If I could get my credits to transfer completely, then I wouldn’t have to worry about trying to cram all this stuff into another year so that I can get out of here and over there. I could do that now and worry about finishing my degree there and THEN going on to grad school right away. But the only thing that I seem to find wrong with this - even though it is very doable - is that it would take just about the same amount of time for me to get my things straightened out here and get settled there as it would for me to finish my degree here and then move there. Unless, by some miracle, I could get accepted out there for this upcoming fall term or something - that would be a miracle in itself. But… there are so many places to go to school out there… where am I going to go? See, these are the things that I have to be totally sure about and have planned out step by step before I even CONSIDER mentioning this to my mother. She wasn’t too keen on me going to school in Cincinnati, so what is she going to think if I say that I want to go to school in Massachusetts or Connecticut? Aside from the line she always gives me (“you just want to go there to see him, not for anything else, no matter what you say”), she’d probably play devil’s advocate to me until I just couldn’t stand it anymore and let the subject drop and never think or bring it up again. I mean, I don’t think she’d really care, but well, approval would be nice. But then again, I’ve discovered that I’m never going to get approval from my mom for anything that I do, so why should I be so concerned with that? Why am I so worried about what my mom thinks about me? If I could just get over that, I think my life would be a lot easier. Well, maybe not… something else would probably just come and fill its place… gee, aren’t I such an optimist? *fake smile*
Anyway, because of the above mentioned ‘best friend issues’ I can’t bounce any of my ideas off of her right now A) because she’s too busy ignoring me and 2) whether she will admit it or not, she has unresolved animosity for my sweetie. So most times I don’t even tell her anything about him anymore. It gets me nowhere - except basically into an argument about how much she doesn’t like him and how if I keep going the way I am, I’m going to get screwed over again… and how I’ve always chosen everyone else over her, so what’s the difference now… yadda yadda… how I’m going to go do what I want and eventually leave her like everyone else has… blah blah blah… and it just really fucking aggravates me, you know? Like tonight - talk about feeling left out. The only reason I was even there is because I had made mention of wanting to go out for her birthday at some point this weekend - and to me, that meant just her and me. Because if it’s NOT just her and me, I don’t exist. If someone else is around to occupy her attention, then I’m just a lawn decoration, basically. I take up space in the car. Yeah, yeah… it may just sound like I’m bitching because she isn’t paying attention to me - but that’s not all it is. Despite what she thinks, I have that same fear of someone leaving me that she has. She has just always assumed that if anyone would do the leaving, it would be ME. She never even considered the possibility that it might be her. Well, it is. She’s moving back home this summer (after a very extended trip to California with (and to see) most of those friends I’m not supposed to meet or that don’t want to meet me), which leaves me here in Cincinnati by myself. I know, you’re thinking, “you’ve got roommates, you’ve got other friends…” Yeah I do. But that’s beside the point. The point is that none of them is her. I don’t get all buddy buddy with my roommates usually - and that’s not a big deal because I usually only live with a set of people for about a year, anyway. And my other friends - granted, I love them to death, but… well… I’m just not on the same level with them yet. No offense intended to anyone, but I hope you understand what I mean. It’s bad enough that I already have one person that I care about out of state - and as I’ve said before, I’m in no mood to make it two. But, well, considering she’s already signed a lease for an apartment up at home in Indiana, there’s not much I can do about anything, now is there?
*sighs* It’s at times like these that I have half a mind to just pack up and go out east just to see if that gets any kind of reaction - from anyone. I’ve felt a lack of appreciation most of my life, so I guess I still haven’t grown out of that yet. Sometimes I think that no one would really notice if I did disappear for a while. Just go to where I want to be and forget about the world for a while, because I think I live in it too much as it is. Packing up and moving somewhere to start from scratch really doesn’t sound all that bad sometimes. I guess that I am just tired of where I am and what I’m doing… and well, I guess that means it’s time for a change. I know what I want to change TO, it’s just a matter of making it happen. But how can I concentrate on that when things right here in front of me are out of alignment? I have to deal with this before I can go anywhere else. If I do that, then I’m not leaving things in order before I move on - I'm running away from them. And if I leave knowing that I've done that, how can I ever expect to be happy wherever it is I go to?
That's right - I can't. Bingo. Ya got it in one.
Well, X Files is starting soon, so I'm going to go watch that and hope that I can unknot some of the things that are holding my mind hostage. Looks like the Emperor isn't the only one who's groove is off...
Anyhoo, on to other things…
Any idea why I can stay up til 4 am on the phone with Sweetie and wake up the next day feeling none the worse? Probably because talking for hours about nothing and everything to someone you love is such a good feeling that you don’t mind being tired the next day. Truth be told, and I know he knows this, but I’ll say it again anyway: hearing him talk to me - and especially hearing him laugh - is just the best sound in the entire world. I can’t think of any place I’d rather be right then and there, other than right where he actually is so that I could do other things with my hands besides hold a phone…
Oooookay… I just realized how that sounds. *sighs* Oh well, we established last night that at times we both have a one track mind at times… even most of the time… so why and try to hide it? Hell, I probably meant it to sound like that anyway… even though I was really talking about being hugged, not anything else. Oh well, too late to take it back now ;)
Anyway, what spawned yet another of our recurring, middle-of-the-night, long, in-depth conversations was actually an idea that had been thrown out a few hours earlier by a mutual friend of ours. Our friend Becky is planning on getting married here sometime in the next year or two, and well, I’m planning on moving out east in the next year or two… so we just kind of put two and two together. My main concern has been basically where am I going to live? I don’t want to live by myself if at all possible, and I definitely don’t want to live in a dorm if I don’t have to. Well, Beck and her boy are planning on moving into a different place at some point in the future, so her and I thought well, hell, why don’t I just move in with them? Saves me the hassle of finding an apartment, and splitting bills three ways is a lot easier than trying to pay for things on my own. If I could get my credits to transfer completely, then I wouldn’t have to worry about trying to cram all this stuff into another year so that I can get out of here and over there. I could do that now and worry about finishing my degree there and THEN going on to grad school right away. But the only thing that I seem to find wrong with this - even though it is very doable - is that it would take just about the same amount of time for me to get my things straightened out here and get settled there as it would for me to finish my degree here and then move there. Unless, by some miracle, I could get accepted out there for this upcoming fall term or something - that would be a miracle in itself. But… there are so many places to go to school out there… where am I going to go? See, these are the things that I have to be totally sure about and have planned out step by step before I even CONSIDER mentioning this to my mother. She wasn’t too keen on me going to school in Cincinnati, so what is she going to think if I say that I want to go to school in Massachusetts or Connecticut? Aside from the line she always gives me (“you just want to go there to see him, not for anything else, no matter what you say”), she’d probably play devil’s advocate to me until I just couldn’t stand it anymore and let the subject drop and never think or bring it up again. I mean, I don’t think she’d really care, but well, approval would be nice. But then again, I’ve discovered that I’m never going to get approval from my mom for anything that I do, so why should I be so concerned with that? Why am I so worried about what my mom thinks about me? If I could just get over that, I think my life would be a lot easier. Well, maybe not… something else would probably just come and fill its place… gee, aren’t I such an optimist? *fake smile*
Anyway, because of the above mentioned ‘best friend issues’ I can’t bounce any of my ideas off of her right now A) because she’s too busy ignoring me and 2) whether she will admit it or not, she has unresolved animosity for my sweetie. So most times I don’t even tell her anything about him anymore. It gets me nowhere - except basically into an argument about how much she doesn’t like him and how if I keep going the way I am, I’m going to get screwed over again… and how I’ve always chosen everyone else over her, so what’s the difference now… yadda yadda… how I’m going to go do what I want and eventually leave her like everyone else has… blah blah blah… and it just really fucking aggravates me, you know? Like tonight - talk about feeling left out. The only reason I was even there is because I had made mention of wanting to go out for her birthday at some point this weekend - and to me, that meant just her and me. Because if it’s NOT just her and me, I don’t exist. If someone else is around to occupy her attention, then I’m just a lawn decoration, basically. I take up space in the car. Yeah, yeah… it may just sound like I’m bitching because she isn’t paying attention to me - but that’s not all it is. Despite what she thinks, I have that same fear of someone leaving me that she has. She has just always assumed that if anyone would do the leaving, it would be ME. She never even considered the possibility that it might be her. Well, it is. She’s moving back home this summer (after a very extended trip to California with (and to see) most of those friends I’m not supposed to meet or that don’t want to meet me), which leaves me here in Cincinnati by myself. I know, you’re thinking, “you’ve got roommates, you’ve got other friends…” Yeah I do. But that’s beside the point. The point is that none of them is her. I don’t get all buddy buddy with my roommates usually - and that’s not a big deal because I usually only live with a set of people for about a year, anyway. And my other friends - granted, I love them to death, but… well… I’m just not on the same level with them yet. No offense intended to anyone, but I hope you understand what I mean. It’s bad enough that I already have one person that I care about out of state - and as I’ve said before, I’m in no mood to make it two. But, well, considering she’s already signed a lease for an apartment up at home in Indiana, there’s not much I can do about anything, now is there?
*sighs* It’s at times like these that I have half a mind to just pack up and go out east just to see if that gets any kind of reaction - from anyone. I’ve felt a lack of appreciation most of my life, so I guess I still haven’t grown out of that yet. Sometimes I think that no one would really notice if I did disappear for a while. Just go to where I want to be and forget about the world for a while, because I think I live in it too much as it is. Packing up and moving somewhere to start from scratch really doesn’t sound all that bad sometimes. I guess that I am just tired of where I am and what I’m doing… and well, I guess that means it’s time for a change. I know what I want to change TO, it’s just a matter of making it happen. But how can I concentrate on that when things right here in front of me are out of alignment? I have to deal with this before I can go anywhere else. If I do that, then I’m not leaving things in order before I move on - I'm running away from them. And if I leave knowing that I've done that, how can I ever expect to be happy wherever it is I go to?
That's right - I can't. Bingo. Ya got it in one.
Well, X Files is starting soon, so I'm going to go watch that and hope that I can unknot some of the things that are holding my mind hostage. Looks like the Emperor isn't the only one who's groove is off...