An apology;
[ for those who don't follow my fanfic tumblr but would like to, it's vipjuly. i post teasers, unpublished drabbles, and interact with readers there as often as possible ((it is linked to my fanfic twitter, vipjuly, so if you follow one you don't need to necessarily follow the other)) ]
i just want to drop a quick little note.
lately i have been feeling incredibly inadequate about my writing. i've been doing my best to read other fics, go to the book store and pluck books off the shelves -- but my muse feels really damp. everything i write feels mechanical and impersonal and not as thought-out as it seems to be in the first draft. this is a battle i've been fighting for a while, and inspiration is... shortcoming. i can only imagine that the biggest reason is that i have dropped out of the fandom (i no longer follow any idol news, nowadays i only pay attention to comeback/album/video updates) and i am not as involved as i used to be. i don't really converse with anyone in fandom ABOUT fandom (a personal choice i made after a lot of thought) and i don't really see what's happening with a group unless someone reblogs gifs/vids/pics/articles on my dash. my choice to do this was really important, but i didn't necessarily think that my writing would suffer because of it, for the fact that i mostly write au's utilizing an idol's face / personality traits.
occasionally still i see gifs/photos/vids that inspire me to write, but the inspiration doesn't usually go very far. i'll open google docs and make a note of it, but... things don't get much further than that. i'll write the pairing, a little tagline, and link whatever inspired me -- but after that... it sits and collects dust. i do this so often, that sometimes when i open up drive i get overwhelmed with that i have going on. after my latest fic (which i desperately, DESPERATELY want to delete but that's not something that i've ever done; i've never deleted a fic, no matter how bad i reflect on it) i have decided to pull back the reins and really evaluate my writing. i'm going to thumb through my WIP's one by one, dissect them, try to find my muse for them again -- if i don't, i'll scrap it, but if i do... i want to take the time and energy to care for it and bring it properly to fruition.
i've been very disappointed in my writing lately and honestly, it's come to the point where i'm even afraid to post fics because i feel like a) they don't do my best works (which imo are YEARS old) justice and b) when i read through them they fall flat, and i wonder if it was even worth the time i took to write it. it's so surreal, when i read some of my older fics and... it doesn't even feel like i'm the one who penned them. it feels like reading a stranger's words. i don't like that feeling. it's eerie and unsettling.
another problem, i suppose, is that i don't have a beta reader, or someone to kick my ass into gear to keep me on track with my fics. it's no secret that i can't do fic fests / exchanges / prompts / requests because i'm a dead ass and deadlines actually make me incredibly anxious and worthless, so i have stopped doing those. (if you have requested something in the past and have been waiting for it to be fulfilled, i'm sorry. i have no excuse other than i am a procrastinating asshole) the problem on top of not having a beta reader is that i have never had one, and i'm hesitant about finding one. i don't take direction well and i don't respond well to being reminded of things, even though in reality that's what i need even in day to day life lmao. but lately i have been considering it. pretty much everyone i know / read has a beta reader or discusses their fics with their friends to keep themselves on track to make sure they get things done in a timely manner, or done in a way that best reflects what they wanted for their story. i'm slightly envious. i would really like something like that, but i fear i'm too much of a control freak to have a co-pilot. i will work on that aspect of myself and re-visit the idea of having a beta.
i suppose participating in active day-to-day roleplay on other platforms has sucked a lot of creativity out of me too (but i don't suspect i will be giving that up soon at all).
this post seems so whiny and weird, but i really wanted to let you guys know that... i'm sorry. i'm sorry that the stories i have been publishing are sub-par, without substance, shoddily done, and probably deserve to be printed out, set on fire, and then deleted from the internet. you can agree or disagree -- i am very thankful for the people who have reviewed my fics in the past 2 years positively, as well as the people who have given me constructive criticism -- but i am truly starting to feel like my fics are a dime a dozen. as in, one dime of a fic is buried in a dozen pieces of shit. (that's actually the wrong use of the analogy but my brain is fried atm)
i guess i wanted to put this out there so SOMEONE can hold me accountable because i sure as hell can't. i personally am tired of feeling lackluster for my own stories, for not being able to churn out original/exciting plots. i actually spent most of my shift at work today thinking about how crappy i feel about my writing. ah... i'm starting to ramble and this post is plenty long. way longer than i intended.
in any case, i hope you accept my apology. i want to ask you to look forward to my future works, because i've realized that pride involves more than going through the motions.
i need to find my passion again.
i'm going to find my passion again.
thank you. i love you.
- jillian
CURRENT ROSTER
EXO wips: 17
BAP wips: 2
BLOCK B wips: 2
SHINee wips: 8
CROSSOVER wips: 1