I was panicked and depressed for an exhausting day?
It was supposed to be a good day. My best friend Fany-chan paid me a visit and we had a lot of fun in the morning and afternoon. A lot of fun indeed, we haven't had a chance to be like this for more than a year. She was away for studying abroad, me busy as always for all the fucking crappy stuffs sticking to my damn life. Yeah I'm screwed, and I still have to try my best. For what? I don't even know.
But put that aside, I don't care about it right now. At least we got a chance to meet again and hang around, just like before. I missed the old days so much.
Yeah I was so happy. Then we went out to buy some stuffs (boots for her actually), and I inteded to get her home after visiting the Rock shop (yeah we're Emo fellows), but we got stuck on a fucking street and it happened. I was driving when I tried to pass that fucking work. She had been RIGHT behind me, and then when I turned around a few minutes later, SHE WAS GONE. For Heaven's sake, it was like she vanished into thin air!!!!!
And my mind screamed.
Gosh, for God's sake, I was panicked. I really really was. I bet if there had been a mirror, my face would have been as pale as a ghost. Seriously, I did not know what to do and I had no fucking clue of where to go. I WAS PANICKED as if it was the end of the world. I turned around and then turned around, again and again, did not know where to go. The traffic was like shit and I could have died right there in any minute, crashing into a container or something, with a distracted mind like that.
Because! That fucking road was a one-way-road, no other way around!
I waited at the end of the road, hoping she would walked there but she did not. I waited for half an hour before losing all patience. So I decided to go all the way back from where we had started...Gosh it was such a long way, and the traffic was getting more and more horrible. FUCKING RUSH HOUR!
NEVER, NEVER before in my Goddamn life have I been that panicked. NEVER! And I couldnt help but even thinking of the worst. What was it? I didn't know, but I was going down down down...I didn't even dared call her family to ask her number (she had lost her cell a few days ago and I didnt know her new one, Goddamn me for not asking), because if I did...they would be like "WTF YOU.LOST.TRACK.OF.OUR.DAUGHTER?", and yeah, I wouldn't even know what to say except shoot myself. I even called a friend of ours and asked her to do it for me, Gosh you know what, I even said "PLEASE", the word I had never said in my whole life to anyone, seriously. And I knew my voice at that moment was broken off, I just knew it. Who cares? All I could think of was her safety, nothing more.
I prayed and prayed and prayed. To God.
I cursed and cursed and cursed. Myself.
I wanted to cry. I was about to cry.
And YES, if something had happened, I would have killed myself and I knew I would have done it. Shame on me! How in the bloody hell I left her behind like THAT without noticing anything? I sucked. My class would start soon and I didn't even think of it. Didn't matter!
She called me when I almost reached that road, and when I almost burst into tears.
I felt relief rushing over my mind. But I felt pissed at the same time. Leaving her going home, ALL ALONE like that, what kind of a friend I was? And she even apologized me, when I was s'pose to be that one. Hell, I DO SUCK!
I know life hates me so much. Lately I've overworked too much and I don't feel good at all. I was happy today, putting that incident aside, but I was exhausted. Spending almost 2 hours to find her and then rushed back home, threw something into my stomach and asked Dad to pick me up to school since I didnt think I felt well enough to go there without collapsing in the middle of anywhere.
I feel worn out all the time. Iren-chan has been dealing with a lot of hellish crappy things in her life and I can't do anything for her. I feel useless. I'm worried about her, a lot.
I'm tired, so tired.
I want to give up everything.
But I know I just can't.
I passed the final exam. I never thought I would, but I got high grades. Well, I did try so hard, but I didnt give myself enough trust, I guess?
I've joined the Zeki FC and I'm quite happy there, though. I finally have someone to talk about my love and obsession of VK. I've been writing a lot too, actually A LOT, 3 whole weeks writing without actually sleeping and resting. But I'm kinda proud of my first outcome though. Not so good, but not too bad. Right?
Silver-chan is so sweet <3 Love her ^^
Peri-chan is my twin-partner, and I love her so much! We're like twins, indeed! We've talked A LOT about our love for Zeki and A LOT MORE. I'm happy with it. Thank you Peri-chan ^^
I love everyone in Zeki FC. I love everyone in my Lavi FC as always, there's nothing can change that.
I love my sweetie. My Lara and Kuro.
I hate my life. But I love every single person in it.