and I guess it's over.
Ever since that disastrous haircut of 2004 [ which I would gladly prove with pictures and sort except that I destroyed them all ] - I've never quite summoned the courage to snip those locks off.
But for once [ yesterday ] I finally got a haircut!
And well, ended up looking pretty decent. So yes I suppose that's something to be thankful for, plus the fact that I should worship the hairdresser and Glanies! (: For introducing Aud & I to her.
I've always wondered why in books that the female characters find the need to change their look after a breakup. It never ever made sense to me, but somehow, I kind of get it now. Perhaps it's just the coincidence of the time and events, but I've realised that maybe you can change how you feel by changing how you look. The way you look at yourself in the mirror, somehow oddly convincing yourself that you are a different person, you've moved on from whatever there was actually ...
but of course, you realise eventually it's just all a cover-up.
I am terribly fond of speaking on closure and burying the past 10 feet under, and I think I've nearly exhausted the number of ways I can say this. But it's just a topic that I can't get out of, no matter how much I try.
In the last post I mentioned the issue of popularity -
Popularity is sure as hell expensive. I remember paying for popularity at the age of 12. Things like this, you see them come and go. You watch yourself attain them, but the actuality of the price that you paid for them only comes far later. Overnight, I changed, and along with it, everything changed. Admittedly, my newfound status was due to the immense popularity of my best friend [ bwahah ] - naturally when you hang out with someone popular you become popular too, it's a chain reaction kind of thing. But with popularity comes other issues that perhaps at the age of 12 I've never really considered.
The jealousy game, the game of trying to be better than the other, the competition - so subtle yet so deeply entrenched in ourselves, at a naive age of 12. -transform into Little Miss Emo- Betrayal brought me down from the throne that I sat on along with everyone else. I've never told this to anyone but one dear friend in VJ. I remember hating the world, wrote nasty stuff about everyone in my diary. The lies she told me, the way she broke our friendship up, the way she got everyone on her side against me, her best friend. The way she called me up, making me cry for 3 hours, while she bitched at me over the phone, and me trying desperately to restore everything that was once there. I remember for that few days in a row, I just kept quiet, trying so hard to fit in, to change myself. In retrospect, it was actually quite terrifying to identify myself with who I was when I was 12. I would have burnt my diary, except for the fact that I wanted to keep it as a part of me.
But I suppose, if that had not happened, I would not have been who I was today, the fairly nice [ I hope ] person I am. I like to pretend that the 12 years old mold of me was a lousy clay model, and then I got remade into a better one later on, but I know it's not true. Still it's a weakness I'll like to hide, to bury in my little 'ditch of unwanted memories'.
Then at the start of this year I saw her turning into a me of the past, and I got so scared and worried that she was going to go through the same phase as I did.
On another note, I'm now stuck thinking of witty entries to blog about because I have been leaderfied by Denys [ A53's mini blogceleb! :) ] for the VJC moBlog. HAHA, don't get me wrong, I really am appreciative of it and if you see this Denys, THANKYOU for saying that you liked my entries [ even if it was a ego-boosting comment], because I do treasure what I write, emo sap or not. :D I have the misconception [ well actually this probably isn't true, it's the TRUTH ] that to be a leader on VJC moBlog you either have to be
[a] horrendously bloggily popular [ like him! ]
[b] terribly good and A1-ish at GP [ like some :O ]
[c] crazily opinionated [ I AM FEMINIST! I AM AGAINST THE SCHOOL WITH THE CHANGING OF THE SCHOOL SONG! ]
[d] very, very free to blog
[e] all of the above
... yeah. So the stress piles up. :/
I got my History results back, huzzah. A D. Oh well, it can only mean better results are here to come right?
And Aileen, thanks for notifying me about the job. HUZZAH. I think I'll try to work at Subway during weekends :) So that I can stop living off my parents' cash and still have some money to buy stuff. <33 Plus, it'll be good to force my ass outta my house for a good reason [ -coughs- admittedly, money-motivated ] and the severe shortage of time should mean that I should, logically, get increasingly more mugger and study harder, which will result in good grades for promos.
I cast my net for AABB in promos.
OKay, my throat is going haywire again. Plus I'm going off to BayBeats pretty soon, so yayyayyay! I hope the month continues being okay, or better.
---
It seems like after such a long while
I still find myself reading in between the lines
of our conversations, those messages
And that same old feeling still comes back
tightens its grip on my heart
when I see the way you change those once familiar nicknames
that I deciphered without a doubt
And I realise it's no longer about me, me and me anymore
But it's about the forgotten us and at the same time,
the new you
and the me that has vanished without a trace.
// wrote this sometime ... the start of last year I think, I found it in my old and hidden blog of little writings, and decided to repost it. (:
---
EDIT
BAYBEATS 05 (:
Was honestly quite ... okayed by Baybeats. Not entirely WOWed but it didn't really suck that badly, some acts were pretty good, but as a result I'm quite deaf now. Plus we got to meet interesting people. Heh.
Tomorrow is 'Go Back & Help Out in Guides' day! Feeling anxious and nervous, mostly because I've forgotten NEARLY EVERYTHING and I'm afraid I'll disappoint her. And yes, Lin's birthday. (: CHEERS. HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE! Think half the world's waiting till 7.01AM or something just to get it, good Lord.
[ and I kind of think I know who died :X ]
... just gotten into a quarrel with my parents over working.
Everytime I think that it's me, my fault, and what not, it all boils down to the fact that I believe our friendship's based on mutual benefit and what's not. I try not to think about the grey areas and force myself to the white areas, but I can't believe it ... till now, that the facades still don't cease to exist, and even when you try to convince me that everything's okay, that voice in my head tells me it isn't. I am such an ass sometimes to keep getting stuck in all sorts of friendship problems. I'm sorry I'm not a good enough friend, Sword. ):
Just feel so lost sometimes, like you don't really belong anywhere, but I think that it's going to be okay.
---
But for once [ yesterday ] I finally got a haircut!
And well, ended up looking pretty decent. So yes I suppose that's something to be thankful for, plus the fact that I should worship the hairdresser and Glanies! (: For introducing Aud & I to her.
I've always wondered why in books that the female characters find the need to change their look after a breakup. It never ever made sense to me, but somehow, I kind of get it now. Perhaps it's just the coincidence of the time and events, but I've realised that maybe you can change how you feel by changing how you look. The way you look at yourself in the mirror, somehow oddly convincing yourself that you are a different person, you've moved on from whatever there was actually ...
but of course, you realise eventually it's just all a cover-up.
I am terribly fond of speaking on closure and burying the past 10 feet under, and I think I've nearly exhausted the number of ways I can say this. But it's just a topic that I can't get out of, no matter how much I try.
In the last post I mentioned the issue of popularity -
Popularity is sure as hell expensive. I remember paying for popularity at the age of 12. Things like this, you see them come and go. You watch yourself attain them, but the actuality of the price that you paid for them only comes far later. Overnight, I changed, and along with it, everything changed. Admittedly, my newfound status was due to the immense popularity of my best friend [ bwahah ] - naturally when you hang out with someone popular you become popular too, it's a chain reaction kind of thing. But with popularity comes other issues that perhaps at the age of 12 I've never really considered.
The jealousy game, the game of trying to be better than the other, the competition - so subtle yet so deeply entrenched in ourselves, at a naive age of 12. -transform into Little Miss Emo- Betrayal brought me down from the throne that I sat on along with everyone else. I've never told this to anyone but one dear friend in VJ. I remember hating the world, wrote nasty stuff about everyone in my diary. The lies she told me, the way she broke our friendship up, the way she got everyone on her side against me, her best friend. The way she called me up, making me cry for 3 hours, while she bitched at me over the phone, and me trying desperately to restore everything that was once there. I remember for that few days in a row, I just kept quiet, trying so hard to fit in, to change myself. In retrospect, it was actually quite terrifying to identify myself with who I was when I was 12. I would have burnt my diary, except for the fact that I wanted to keep it as a part of me.
But I suppose, if that had not happened, I would not have been who I was today, the fairly nice [ I hope ] person I am. I like to pretend that the 12 years old mold of me was a lousy clay model, and then I got remade into a better one later on, but I know it's not true. Still it's a weakness I'll like to hide, to bury in my little 'ditch of unwanted memories'.
Then at the start of this year I saw her turning into a me of the past, and I got so scared and worried that she was going to go through the same phase as I did.
On another note, I'm now stuck thinking of witty entries to blog about because I have been leaderfied by Denys [ A53's mini blogceleb! :) ] for the VJC moBlog. HAHA, don't get me wrong, I really am appreciative of it and if you see this Denys, THANKYOU for saying that you liked my entries [ even if it was a ego-boosting comment], because I do treasure what I write, emo sap or not. :D I have the misconception [ well actually this probably isn't true, it's the TRUTH ] that to be a leader on VJC moBlog you either have to be
[a] horrendously bloggily popular [ like him! ]
[b] terribly good and A1-ish at GP [ like some :O ]
[c] crazily opinionated [ I AM FEMINIST! I AM AGAINST THE SCHOOL WITH THE CHANGING OF THE SCHOOL SONG! ]
[d] very, very free to blog
[e] all of the above
... yeah. So the stress piles up. :/
I got my History results back, huzzah. A D. Oh well, it can only mean better results are here to come right?
And Aileen, thanks for notifying me about the job. HUZZAH. I think I'll try to work at Subway during weekends :) So that I can stop living off my parents' cash and still have some money to buy stuff. <33 Plus, it'll be good to force my ass outta my house for a good reason [ -coughs- admittedly, money-motivated ] and the severe shortage of time should mean that I should, logically, get increasingly more mugger and study harder, which will result in good grades for promos.
I cast my net for AABB in promos.
OKay, my throat is going haywire again. Plus I'm going off to BayBeats pretty soon, so yayyayyay! I hope the month continues being okay, or better.
---
It seems like after such a long while
I still find myself reading in between the lines
of our conversations, those messages
And that same old feeling still comes back
tightens its grip on my heart
when I see the way you change those once familiar nicknames
that I deciphered without a doubt
And I realise it's no longer about me, me and me anymore
But it's about the forgotten us and at the same time,
the new you
and the me that has vanished without a trace.
// wrote this sometime ... the start of last year I think, I found it in my old and hidden blog of little writings, and decided to repost it. (:
---
EDIT
BAYBEATS 05 (:
Was honestly quite ... okayed by Baybeats. Not entirely WOWed but it didn't really suck that badly, some acts were pretty good, but as a result I'm quite deaf now. Plus we got to meet interesting people. Heh.
Tomorrow is 'Go Back & Help Out in Guides' day! Feeling anxious and nervous, mostly because I've forgotten NEARLY EVERYTHING and I'm afraid I'll disappoint her. And yes, Lin's birthday. (: CHEERS. HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE! Think half the world's waiting till 7.01AM or something just to get it, good Lord.
[ and I kind of think I know who died :X ]
... just gotten into a quarrel with my parents over working.
Everytime I think that it's me, my fault, and what not, it all boils down to the fact that I believe our friendship's based on mutual benefit and what's not. I try not to think about the grey areas and force myself to the white areas, but I can't believe it ... till now, that the facades still don't cease to exist, and even when you try to convince me that everything's okay, that voice in my head tells me it isn't. I am such an ass sometimes to keep getting stuck in all sorts of friendship problems. I'm sorry I'm not a good enough friend, Sword. ):
Just feel so lost sometimes, like you don't really belong anywhere, but I think that it's going to be okay.
---