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So, I haven't updated in a while huh?? I guess I have two major things going on in my life right now!
Lessons On Unemployment, Jealousy, and Trust
Well, friends, I still don't have a permanent teaching job! = ( It's really frustrating to me because . . .well, I want to teach, I mean really TEACH! I want my own room, my own desk, my own bulletin boards, my own lesson plans, my own students, my own EVERYTHING! Sure, I'll still be subbing but it's not the same thing at all!
The worst part about it is I just keep thinking there is something wrong with me. Why didn't I get any interviews? Why didn't I even get a chance to tell someone about my classroom management plan? What about my dreams for children? I rushed through college as fast as I could because . . .I wanted to be done and have a classroom of my own and here I sit in the middle. . .graduated but not really a teacher!
And here's the issue you I have . . .everyday I wake up and the first thing I think about is wanting a job! It's awful! I go into Office Depot to buy ink for my printer with my mom the other day and I see like six women buying loads of markers, folders, storge bins, file folders, colored pencils, crayons, etc. and the first thing I want to do is run out the door and cry. I am soooo jealous of them! I don't know anything about these women and yet I'm soooo jealous that it hurts and makes me want to break down.
I find my self jealous of my friends too! I am so happy that they have jobs and I know that they don't tell me about their jobs because they're trying to make me jealous . . .they tell me because their dreams are coming true and they're excited! I would be doing the exact same thing if I were them! I am excited for them but such a large part of me jealous that I am disappointed with myself. I feel wretched!
Then through it all . . .I am reminded that I need to trust God. He has a plan for my life and He has a job out there for me somewhere! I can't imagine going through all this without having that hope! I know my God is faithful and He will provide but at the same time I can't help wondering why He's making me wait. I'm sure that He has a reason and that He will use this time in my life to teach me to trust Him and His provision in my life. But, learning is never easy and this lesson is a hard one to learn.
Pray for me cause I'm still struggling with it but there is light at the end of this dark tunnel . . .I just know it! Also pray because it is possible that I could get hired here in the next week and a half and if that should happen . . .I'll be frustrated in a whole new way! 'Cause we all know how anal retentive I am and how stressed out I would be setting up a classroom! ;-)
Crushes and Married Women
Okay, confession: I HAVE A CRUSH, a big crush! There's a guy that I know that I could totally see myself seriously dating, etc. I honestly think the most attractive part about him (besides the obvious things like his sense of humor, his kindness, his flirting, his personality, his good looks, his smile, his laugh etc.--this is so much deeper than all of that) is that he's a CHRISTIAN. I mean the kind of Christian that volunteers at church, has a heart for serving people, ministers in any way possible to the point where he doesn't do much else. If you need help, he's there. The fact that we could minister and serve together is exciting to me. Laugh if you must . . .I know it might sound silly, but to me it's really important for the guy to take the lead spiritual role in a romantic relationship and I have full confidence that he could do that. This is the first time I can honestly say that about a guy. His selflessness teaches me a lot about what my attitude should be like. We are friends and I am thankful for that. I think that he may have similar feelings for me but I'm not sure and I don't know how to go about figuring that out.
This isn't necessarily a new crush at all. All my fellow staff members at the Camp Cherith have been hearing about this for months already (though I'm not sure that I told them the whole reason behind the crush) so have most of my friends on livejournal . . .although there are some who either have no idea who or what I'm talking about and some that probably could make a pretty good educated guess as to who mystery man is (SHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I MEAN IT).
So, here's the mistake I made. I told a bunch of married women about this crush last night . . .and I have never seen such a reaction in my entire life!! The whole room came alive with screaming and matchmaking schemes! I think that they were abnormally excited about my singleness! I am glad that they were in agreement with me and that they thought it sounded like a good idea, but good Lord those girls! I felt like I was in junior high again! The more they talked. . .the more out of control it became. I had people volunteering their husbands to drop hints, people actually asking their husbands what they thought, people plotting what I should say, people practially planning my wedding already!! It was CRAZY!! That's what happens when a single girl tells an entire room of married women she likes someone!
Perhaps the funniest part about the whole thing actually happened when I admitted the crush to one of these friends during VBS . . .she looked at me and said . . ."Julie, don't waste your pretty! Tell him you're foxy!!" That's probably about the funniest advice I've ever heard in my life!!
So, all of the women feel like I just need to ask this guy out . . .but, we'll see what God leads in that area. Not sure how comfortable I feel about initiating a relationship! Just not sure . . .but these women are married so they must know something I don't know ;-) I haven't seen him since I've been home from camp . . .I hope he missed me ;-) I'll keep you updated on this one!! I'm sure you wouldn't let me forget I told you either!
Thanks for reading and listening to the nitty-gritty of what's going on in the inside!! I love you all!!
Yours truly, madly, deeply,
Julie