(no subject)
self, selfish, self-loathing, self-preservation, self
I can think only of my uneasiness at where my life is currently headed, which is nowhere. I'm filled with such negativity I can no longer stand it. I want to cleanse myself of these terrible thoughts, these horrible dreams. I'm so frustrated I feel as if I'm going to explode.
One would think, after all these years, I would learn. But I've only been digging hole after hole. Deeper and deeper.
What is my true purpose on this earth? What is my lifelong dream? What are my goals, my ambitions?
I want so desperately to be alone...utterly alone, and yet I want to be surrounded by loving people. I'm a literal, walking contradiction.
But who isn't? There must be at least a few out there? Those that have it together, that have had it together. Though, I'm sure even they have their problems.
I want to use this anger as motivation, I want to build on it...I want to wrap myself up in it and then break through as a butterfly does from a cocoon. I want to cry and have those burning tears wash over me and melt me so that I can mold myself into a better human being. I want to scream loudly, to the point where I only hear silence, and then relearn all of the sounds over again. Create a new voice.
I want to be reborn, like a phoenix from it's ashes.
Can I do it?...will I?
I must, I fear if I don't I'll turn into this giant ball of hate and anger and I'll never be able to give the world back the happiness it has given me, I will never be able to continue on this beautiful and difficult cycle.
I will become better.
I already am.
I can think only of my uneasiness at where my life is currently headed, which is nowhere. I'm filled with such negativity I can no longer stand it. I want to cleanse myself of these terrible thoughts, these horrible dreams. I'm so frustrated I feel as if I'm going to explode.
One would think, after all these years, I would learn. But I've only been digging hole after hole. Deeper and deeper.
What is my true purpose on this earth? What is my lifelong dream? What are my goals, my ambitions?
I want so desperately to be alone...utterly alone, and yet I want to be surrounded by loving people. I'm a literal, walking contradiction.
But who isn't? There must be at least a few out there? Those that have it together, that have had it together. Though, I'm sure even they have their problems.
I want to use this anger as motivation, I want to build on it...I want to wrap myself up in it and then break through as a butterfly does from a cocoon. I want to cry and have those burning tears wash over me and melt me so that I can mold myself into a better human being. I want to scream loudly, to the point where I only hear silence, and then relearn all of the sounds over again. Create a new voice.
I want to be reborn, like a phoenix from it's ashes.
Can I do it?...will I?
I must, I fear if I don't I'll turn into this giant ball of hate and anger and I'll never be able to give the world back the happiness it has given me, I will never be able to continue on this beautiful and difficult cycle.
I will become better.
I already am.