So sick of being tired and so tired of being sick.
This morning when I woke up I logged into LJ and ended up re-reading my old posts. It occured to me, that I don't write the way that I use to. In quality or quantity. Several other things also became very apparent to me as I read... So.. I'm posting to post about my other posts, and uh, other things as well.
I'll start off by saying that this morning, for some reason, I woke up incredibly sad and distraught. I almost feel that the weight of everything that has been going on lately has suddenly come tumbling down all at once. I'm surrounded by rubble and wreckage. Broken dreams, friendships, relationships, never ending homework along with work hours- stress my body to the point that I want to surrender. I want to curl into a ball and sleep for a week. Take a break and have a cry. It's the beginning of the semester and so much is already happening. I long for closure. I long for something, anything to be fixed. Just something to be checked off my stressful list so that I can perhaps fuction again.
Tim's still mad at me, and at this point I could care less. He's taking this and running with it so that, for once, he'll have something against me [which isn't even anything at all]. Face it, he's been messing up a lot lately. The whole Vanessa thing [I don't CARE how long ago it was, it happend.], the dave thing, the standing up, the lack of consideration. I feel as though he's excited that he has something he can be mad at me about, as if that makes us even. It's frustrating for me because I don't think that he should be mad AT ALL. Nothing happend, I have nothing else to say about Friday night besides that I got left, that was all.
Tim just doesn't realize that this is breaking point and I can no longer function unless he does something. I can't handle this anymore. It's hard because I either need him to fix it for once in his life, or we need to end everything. Frankly, I'm tired of all of this. Fight after fight over the exact same thing. I'm not sure what I've ever done, or more, what I HAVEN'T done for him. I invest all my time and energy in making him happy and I'm tired of getting literally no return effort. It's frustrating really. "I'm sorry" doesn't work anymore, mere words don't help things. I need to see change, and lots of it.
It's hard when it's your best friend you're trying to leave. I can't imagine living without Tim. So much of me is invested in him that it's hard to comprehend things being different. Especially right now with everything going on.
I don't doubt his love for me, I know that he loves me, I just don't like the way he... goes about it [I guess ? I can't find words.]
As I said earlier, I was re-reading my old posts and I became even more upset than when I woke up this morning.
Memories of ass-hole Tim flooding my senses, brought me close to tears. I also found myself missing my precious Alain and how he occupied my days while Tim and I were broken up. I wish he still went to AUC because I honestly miss hanging out with him and being best friends. It's so hard.
I'd write about what has been going on in my life lately but I feel that if I have to repeat the Friday night story one more time, I'm going to explode.
Hm.
I really enjoy my Approaches to Lit class. I just wish that my books would actually arrive in the mail so that I could be a good student. -cry-
I also like my Human Bio class, there's this girl, Lydia, I will make her my friend. She's pretty hip. I also have it with Carol, which is nice.
Blah bla blah my other classes are going well.
I'm being a good student in spite of my stressful state.
Actually, right now I'm skipping "Fitness and Wellness" because I just don't feel like going.
The slacking begins. haha.
Last night I went and saw SUPERBAD again. [I always have to type it in caps, I don't really know why.] The kid, Evan, in that movie kills me. He reminds me so much of Austin that it's silly. =)
I feel like I have to start screening people before they actually become my literal friend. I keep getting fucked over and it's making me cynical. I long to move away and be with my beloved Sara. [in a total non-homosexual way. lol.
I have my first official day at GNC today. I'm a little bit nervous, but I think I'll really like it there. I think that it will be good for me to pour myself into a different outlet besides Tim. Work will have to suffice. [Actually it's a nice substitute since I'll be making money like a motherfucker.] Speaking of Tim [we always go back to Tim], I called him this morning and texted him telling him how I was so upset, I told him that I just needed some reassurence, and that I was internally freaking the fuck out. I told him all this on his voicemail and he has yet to call me back. I know that he's probably sleeping, but thow me a fucking bone, I'm in need. I just need something... I'm not sure what.. I'm distraught... Hmm... I wonder if thats a mood for LJ, I'm going to put it.
Love to you all and have a wonderful day chillens.
[I'm putting 'distressed' since there is, in fact, no 'distraught'.]
I'll start off by saying that this morning, for some reason, I woke up incredibly sad and distraught. I almost feel that the weight of everything that has been going on lately has suddenly come tumbling down all at once. I'm surrounded by rubble and wreckage. Broken dreams, friendships, relationships, never ending homework along with work hours- stress my body to the point that I want to surrender. I want to curl into a ball and sleep for a week. Take a break and have a cry. It's the beginning of the semester and so much is already happening. I long for closure. I long for something, anything to be fixed. Just something to be checked off my stressful list so that I can perhaps fuction again.
Tim's still mad at me, and at this point I could care less. He's taking this and running with it so that, for once, he'll have something against me [which isn't even anything at all]. Face it, he's been messing up a lot lately. The whole Vanessa thing [I don't CARE how long ago it was, it happend.], the dave thing, the standing up, the lack of consideration. I feel as though he's excited that he has something he can be mad at me about, as if that makes us even. It's frustrating for me because I don't think that he should be mad AT ALL. Nothing happend, I have nothing else to say about Friday night besides that I got left, that was all.
Tim just doesn't realize that this is breaking point and I can no longer function unless he does something. I can't handle this anymore. It's hard because I either need him to fix it for once in his life, or we need to end everything. Frankly, I'm tired of all of this. Fight after fight over the exact same thing. I'm not sure what I've ever done, or more, what I HAVEN'T done for him. I invest all my time and energy in making him happy and I'm tired of getting literally no return effort. It's frustrating really. "I'm sorry" doesn't work anymore, mere words don't help things. I need to see change, and lots of it.
It's hard when it's your best friend you're trying to leave. I can't imagine living without Tim. So much of me is invested in him that it's hard to comprehend things being different. Especially right now with everything going on.
I don't doubt his love for me, I know that he loves me, I just don't like the way he... goes about it [I guess ? I can't find words.]
As I said earlier, I was re-reading my old posts and I became even more upset than when I woke up this morning.
Memories of ass-hole Tim flooding my senses, brought me close to tears. I also found myself missing my precious Alain and how he occupied my days while Tim and I were broken up. I wish he still went to AUC because I honestly miss hanging out with him and being best friends. It's so hard.
I'd write about what has been going on in my life lately but I feel that if I have to repeat the Friday night story one more time, I'm going to explode.
Hm.
I really enjoy my Approaches to Lit class. I just wish that my books would actually arrive in the mail so that I could be a good student. -cry-
I also like my Human Bio class, there's this girl, Lydia, I will make her my friend. She's pretty hip. I also have it with Carol, which is nice.
Blah bla blah my other classes are going well.
I'm being a good student in spite of my stressful state.
Actually, right now I'm skipping "Fitness and Wellness" because I just don't feel like going.
The slacking begins. haha.
Last night I went and saw SUPERBAD again. [I always have to type it in caps, I don't really know why.] The kid, Evan, in that movie kills me. He reminds me so much of Austin that it's silly. =)
I feel like I have to start screening people before they actually become my literal friend. I keep getting fucked over and it's making me cynical. I long to move away and be with my beloved Sara. [in a total non-homosexual way. lol.
I have my first official day at GNC today. I'm a little bit nervous, but I think I'll really like it there. I think that it will be good for me to pour myself into a different outlet besides Tim. Work will have to suffice. [Actually it's a nice substitute since I'll be making money like a motherfucker.] Speaking of Tim [we always go back to Tim], I called him this morning and texted him telling him how I was so upset, I told him that I just needed some reassurence, and that I was internally freaking the fuck out. I told him all this on his voicemail and he has yet to call me back. I know that he's probably sleeping, but thow me a fucking bone, I'm in need. I just need something... I'm not sure what.. I'm distraught... Hmm... I wonder if thats a mood for LJ, I'm going to put it.
Love to you all and have a wonderful day chillens.
[I'm putting 'distressed' since there is, in fact, no 'distraught'.]