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i am high almost every day now. i can't see my life outside of this elated feeling i'm experiencing from what it's doing to my brain. i haven't written in forever, for all you who care/notice, because my own computer has been...er..struggling with great difficulty. this is gatrh's computer. i don't Want to see beyond weed. life would be missing something. i can never see beyond garth either. i guess that's a good thing. but i have issues to deal wtih. i've never written when i was high before. i feel like a terrible person. i have hurt so many people and it just makes me feel so guilty. i alwayus want to do what feels good instead of what is good. any of you who are friends, i would appreciate you contacting me so i could at least tell you, too what a horrible girl i am.i have willingly done what i knew was wrong. there are some things that can't be written down.what happened to me? i want to go back and tell myself not to do certain things. my whole life would be different.
garth is sleepinig next to me. i tried to get him to go to the bed to sleep but he insisted on being near to me. it was way cute. but it kinda freaked me out when i tried to get him to talk to me. i was like "say something" and he said "there's nothing to say" and i said "why?" and he said "because i'm stoned and all i can think right now are stoned thoughts" or something like that and he elaborated on that point. i regret so much from the past. i know i'm jumping from one subject to another but what can i do. i'm a 20yr old girl with bipolar disorder who's high on pot and i love tangents. anyways everytime i realize how much i love garth again, i can't help but think back with guilt to times i have hurt him in the past. i don't even want to know someone who could hurt a person like him. but i was that person, and i feel overcome with evil sometimes.i feel that sometimes, i hopelessly am. i'm trying to go to church because i don't want to be a bad person, but i can't find another way to stop it. aghhhhhhhhhhh my feet are so asleep! trying to type with the keyboard on garth's legs. he's oblivious. anyway at church they talked about not doing drugs, and i felt that pierce at me, but i said no. No, i don't want to stop smoking weed. it feels so good. it's become important to me to the point i fidget in its absence. i can't really explain myself too well right now, because sarah's probably right, i Do need to go back to my psychiatrist. More drugs please. I'm not normal enough.
garth is sleepinig next to me. i tried to get him to go to the bed to sleep but he insisted on being near to me. it was way cute. but it kinda freaked me out when i tried to get him to talk to me. i was like "say something" and he said "there's nothing to say" and i said "why?" and he said "because i'm stoned and all i can think right now are stoned thoughts" or something like that and he elaborated on that point. i regret so much from the past. i know i'm jumping from one subject to another but what can i do. i'm a 20yr old girl with bipolar disorder who's high on pot and i love tangents. anyways everytime i realize how much i love garth again, i can't help but think back with guilt to times i have hurt him in the past. i don't even want to know someone who could hurt a person like him. but i was that person, and i feel overcome with evil sometimes.i feel that sometimes, i hopelessly am. i'm trying to go to church because i don't want to be a bad person, but i can't find another way to stop it. aghhhhhhhhhhh my feet are so asleep! trying to type with the keyboard on garth's legs. he's oblivious. anyway at church they talked about not doing drugs, and i felt that pierce at me, but i said no. No, i don't want to stop smoking weed. it feels so good. it's become important to me to the point i fidget in its absence. i can't really explain myself too well right now, because sarah's probably right, i Do need to go back to my psychiatrist. More drugs please. I'm not normal enough.