In Loving Memory...
I know I haven’t posted anything personal in a bit and the reason is that the news hasn’t been that good. If you want to know…read further…if you don’t, I’m putting it under a cut and you can just skip over this post.
I’m going to start off by being completely honest and saying that making this post is not easy for me. I know I need to do it and I’m going to go through with it…but even though I like to think of myself as a strong person, sometimes I just can’t be.
Thursday night my grandmother passed away. She was 80 and had pneumonia and emphysema. She’d been in and out of the hospital for it, was on oxygen almost 24/7 and was taking extra breathing treatments…but it seemed when I last talked to her that this was something long-term that she was just going to have to deal with.
Granny was my mom’s mother and practically raised me. When I was a little girl I spent more time with her than my mom and then for most of my life, my brother, sister, and I spent every weekend with her. She always helped me with things like money to get my band shoes or to go on school trips and one year she even helped make a dress for me so I could go to a Valentine’s dance.
Although I inherited her sense of worrying about everything (which I am better at, but admit, I could worry less), she also taught me a myriad of other things. We always had a special bond and were always close enough that other family members were actually jealous because of it. Of course when I was younger, I took that for granted and also took flack for it from my mom because until I came along, she was granny’s favorite. Haha
Naturally there were things that we disagreed on, but I always knew that when I didn’t have anywhere else to turn, she would always be there. I don’t really ever talk about things that are bothering me (another issue I am working on) but I could always talk to granny and she always talked to me about things too.
It was actually granny who convinced me to come home when I was at the end of my rope with my marriage. I had been visiting her and the entire three and a half hour drive back to Columbus…I cried. I swear, I don’t know how I even made it home without killing myself or someone else, but in hindsight…I don’t think I really cared. When I got home, as promised, I called her, still crying and she convinced me to just pack some of my things and to come home and get myself out of that terrible situation. Though I struggled with the decision, I listened and I went back home.
There are tons of memories, of course both good and bad, but I won’t rehash them all here. I just wanted to say some of the things that really impacted me. Recently when I would go home, granny had a karaoke machine and she always had certain songs that she’d request for me to sing and in return, I would make her sing a duet with me: “You Needed Me” by Anne Murray. The duet part was actually me just standing beside her with a microphone, and letting her sing…and I always cried when she sang it. I always felt like the words were from me, but I knew I was too emotional to sing them myself. : )
You gave me strength to stand alone again,
To face the world out on my own again.
You put me high upon a pedestal,
So high that I could almost see eternity,
You needed me.
You needed me.
My uncle and I also had a couple of duets, but our most famous performance that we put on just for her was “El Paso” by Marty Robbins. We acted out the entire song with our best dramatics and it was always so fun and granny just loved it.
Granny always indulged me in my enthusiasm for things and was always excited right along with me. When I told her that I was going to FINALLY go see The New Kids on the Block...she was SO excited...it was awesome!! We always made each other laugh and goodness, she knew all of my favorite foods and totally spoiled me whenever I went home. haha She always made me feel like a kid because she would have treats waiting for me when I got there. haha
Now for the hard part. I called there on Sunday to talk to granny, but she was sleeping. My Aunt Deb let me know what time she would be up if I wanted to call back and for whatever reason, I chose not to. On Monday, she went into full respiratory failure and really wasn’t alert for more than a few minutes at a time up until she passed away.
I know that I shouldn’t beat myself up, but I just keep asking myself, why didn’t I call back? Why didn’t I talk to her and tell her I loved her one last time? I know that she knew I loved her…I do know that and my Aunt Norma was nice enough to tell her for me any time that she woke up since I couldn’t be there, but it’s the one thing that’s been weighing on my heart and mind the most throughout this week.
I also wrestled with the decision of going home. I just recently started this job that I worked so hard to get…but my boss was really understanding about it and told me that if I needed to go home…to go. When it came right down to it though…I found that it was the demons of the past that were keeping me from going and that’s why this post is so important…I can’t add to that.
When my mom passed away, I didn’t deal with it. I was the strong big sister…the nurturer who looked out for everyone else, comforted them and made sure they were all right. When I came back home, I dove back into work and just put it to the back of my mind until something would surface that would bring those feelings back to the forefront. Even though it’s been four years…since I didn’t really let myself let go…I’m still affected.
The thought of being there in the hospital and seeing granny hooked up and knowing that they were going to take her off of her machines and just wait for her to go was just something that I couldn’t go through again. The mere thought of it bombarded my senses with memories of the same situation with mom. The smells, the temperature of the room, the hiss of the machines, telling her I loved her and knowing that even though I wanted and needed to believe she could hear me, logically knowing that she couldn’t.
Then, the issue of the funeral…I know that no one likes funerals and though some people really need the closure and want to pay their respects…this one was just too difficult for me to fathom. I am much better at being the comforter than the one needing comfort. It’s so hard for me to accept it…I don’t know why, but I just brush it off or try and apologize or change the subject to wiggle my way out of it and not really express what I am feeling. I didn’t realize just how much I do that until now.
So…here I sit and if you’ve read this all the way through…thank you for taking the time.
Mostly…an important thing that’s been on my mind the past few days is…am I a good person? Am I a good friend? Do the people in my life know how much I love and appreciate them? If something were to happen to me, as it could at any moment…would you guys know how I felt about you?
Well, I want to take this opportunity to say a few words. If you are reading this journal right now, it’s because you have in some way touched my life. Whether I know you in person, only know you through this journal, perhaps have only read your fiction…it doesn’t matter. You’ve made an impact on me and you are special to me. I love each and every one of you and in whatever connection, big or small, that we might have…you are important to me.
Please know that I appreciate you and I value you and I’m more than certain that you’ve made me smile and I can only hope that I’ve done the same for you. I try to be a good friend and I know that sometimes I’m not the best at keeping in touch, or updating here, but that doesn’t mean that you all aren’t in my hearts and my thoughts.
Anywho…I’m going to wrap this up, but again, thank you for listening and for allowing me this. It might take some time for me to get through this and deal with this in whatever way I can, but thanks in advance for everything.
Love and big huggles…T
I’m going to start off by being completely honest and saying that making this post is not easy for me. I know I need to do it and I’m going to go through with it…but even though I like to think of myself as a strong person, sometimes I just can’t be.
Thursday night my grandmother passed away. She was 80 and had pneumonia and emphysema. She’d been in and out of the hospital for it, was on oxygen almost 24/7 and was taking extra breathing treatments…but it seemed when I last talked to her that this was something long-term that she was just going to have to deal with.
Granny was my mom’s mother and practically raised me. When I was a little girl I spent more time with her than my mom and then for most of my life, my brother, sister, and I spent every weekend with her. She always helped me with things like money to get my band shoes or to go on school trips and one year she even helped make a dress for me so I could go to a Valentine’s dance.
Although I inherited her sense of worrying about everything (which I am better at, but admit, I could worry less), she also taught me a myriad of other things. We always had a special bond and were always close enough that other family members were actually jealous because of it. Of course when I was younger, I took that for granted and also took flack for it from my mom because until I came along, she was granny’s favorite. Haha
Naturally there were things that we disagreed on, but I always knew that when I didn’t have anywhere else to turn, she would always be there. I don’t really ever talk about things that are bothering me (another issue I am working on) but I could always talk to granny and she always talked to me about things too.
It was actually granny who convinced me to come home when I was at the end of my rope with my marriage. I had been visiting her and the entire three and a half hour drive back to Columbus…I cried. I swear, I don’t know how I even made it home without killing myself or someone else, but in hindsight…I don’t think I really cared. When I got home, as promised, I called her, still crying and she convinced me to just pack some of my things and to come home and get myself out of that terrible situation. Though I struggled with the decision, I listened and I went back home.
There are tons of memories, of course both good and bad, but I won’t rehash them all here. I just wanted to say some of the things that really impacted me. Recently when I would go home, granny had a karaoke machine and she always had certain songs that she’d request for me to sing and in return, I would make her sing a duet with me: “You Needed Me” by Anne Murray. The duet part was actually me just standing beside her with a microphone, and letting her sing…and I always cried when she sang it. I always felt like the words were from me, but I knew I was too emotional to sing them myself. : )
You gave me strength to stand alone again,
To face the world out on my own again.
You put me high upon a pedestal,
So high that I could almost see eternity,
You needed me.
You needed me.
My uncle and I also had a couple of duets, but our most famous performance that we put on just for her was “El Paso” by Marty Robbins. We acted out the entire song with our best dramatics and it was always so fun and granny just loved it.
Granny always indulged me in my enthusiasm for things and was always excited right along with me. When I told her that I was going to FINALLY go see The New Kids on the Block...she was SO excited...it was awesome!! We always made each other laugh and goodness, she knew all of my favorite foods and totally spoiled me whenever I went home. haha She always made me feel like a kid because she would have treats waiting for me when I got there. haha
Now for the hard part. I called there on Sunday to talk to granny, but she was sleeping. My Aunt Deb let me know what time she would be up if I wanted to call back and for whatever reason, I chose not to. On Monday, she went into full respiratory failure and really wasn’t alert for more than a few minutes at a time up until she passed away.
I know that I shouldn’t beat myself up, but I just keep asking myself, why didn’t I call back? Why didn’t I talk to her and tell her I loved her one last time? I know that she knew I loved her…I do know that and my Aunt Norma was nice enough to tell her for me any time that she woke up since I couldn’t be there, but it’s the one thing that’s been weighing on my heart and mind the most throughout this week.
I also wrestled with the decision of going home. I just recently started this job that I worked so hard to get…but my boss was really understanding about it and told me that if I needed to go home…to go. When it came right down to it though…I found that it was the demons of the past that were keeping me from going and that’s why this post is so important…I can’t add to that.
When my mom passed away, I didn’t deal with it. I was the strong big sister…the nurturer who looked out for everyone else, comforted them and made sure they were all right. When I came back home, I dove back into work and just put it to the back of my mind until something would surface that would bring those feelings back to the forefront. Even though it’s been four years…since I didn’t really let myself let go…I’m still affected.
The thought of being there in the hospital and seeing granny hooked up and knowing that they were going to take her off of her machines and just wait for her to go was just something that I couldn’t go through again. The mere thought of it bombarded my senses with memories of the same situation with mom. The smells, the temperature of the room, the hiss of the machines, telling her I loved her and knowing that even though I wanted and needed to believe she could hear me, logically knowing that she couldn’t.
Then, the issue of the funeral…I know that no one likes funerals and though some people really need the closure and want to pay their respects…this one was just too difficult for me to fathom. I am much better at being the comforter than the one needing comfort. It’s so hard for me to accept it…I don’t know why, but I just brush it off or try and apologize or change the subject to wiggle my way out of it and not really express what I am feeling. I didn’t realize just how much I do that until now.
So…here I sit and if you’ve read this all the way through…thank you for taking the time.
Mostly…an important thing that’s been on my mind the past few days is…am I a good person? Am I a good friend? Do the people in my life know how much I love and appreciate them? If something were to happen to me, as it could at any moment…would you guys know how I felt about you?
Well, I want to take this opportunity to say a few words. If you are reading this journal right now, it’s because you have in some way touched my life. Whether I know you in person, only know you through this journal, perhaps have only read your fiction…it doesn’t matter. You’ve made an impact on me and you are special to me. I love each and every one of you and in whatever connection, big or small, that we might have…you are important to me.
Please know that I appreciate you and I value you and I’m more than certain that you’ve made me smile and I can only hope that I’ve done the same for you. I try to be a good friend and I know that sometimes I’m not the best at keeping in touch, or updating here, but that doesn’t mean that you all aren’t in my hearts and my thoughts.
Anywho…I’m going to wrap this up, but again, thank you for listening and for allowing me this. It might take some time for me to get through this and deal with this in whatever way I can, but thanks in advance for everything.
Love and big huggles…T
