(no subject)
i cannot believe it's august 4th. an hour and ten minutes from being august 5th. wow! all the sudden time is flying. had a birthday lunch at my grandma's today with dad and michelle. dad gave me a pair of earrings for my birthday, and in the card wrote "use these in spain and make fond memories somethingerother." what the fuck? how the hell are earrings going to do shit for me in spain? thanks dad, i'm studying abroad and you somehow manage to pick the most not useful gift ever. seriously. all he had to do was give me money, it didn't have to be alot, $20 would be fine. but to go out of your way to spend money on something that, even though you know it is needed badly for other things, serves absolutely no purpose or relevance to anything meaningful in my life. does he actually know that little about me? is he actually that fucking oblivious? or is he just trying to be an asshole? i know i probably sound so spoiled right now, and it's not that i don't appreciate the gift, but it's like i'm getting tired of getting things that are just so, not me, from my dad. ok, i get the point, we know nothing about each other, clearly he knows nothing about my interests. our relationship is just so weird right now, especially because he has not accepted me studying abroad. he freaked out when i moved 3 hours away to college, i can only imagine what moving to the other side of the planet is doing to him. anyyyways. so, august 4th. here i am, a month and 2 days from going to spain. 20 (almost 19) till the trial. i was thinking about how horrible it's going to be. but yanno, it's liberating. i've completely dettached myself from reality; i recognize it's there, it is happening, it's real... but somehow, it's like it doesn't matter. like, yup.. ok.. whatever (hah how intelligent did that sound). seriously though, i really have dettached myself emotionally from everything negative happening in my life right now (being raped, doing the trial, adam, the police) and surprisingly, i'm at peace with myself. i've made my peace with "god" and christ (i use those terms loosely), and i feel that i have contributed something good to this world, if anything just to my friends. maybe that doesn't count. all i know is that right now in my life i feel good about the things i have done, and i don't have any regrets about any of it. except for maybe realizing too late in life how important it is to try to be a good person. haha here i'm only 21, jeez. maybe that's being too hard on myself. i wonder if this is some kind of foreshadowing, although i've been feeling this way for the past couple years. predetermined destiny? who knows, i'm probably rambling right now. i should go to bed, didn't go to sleep till 6am last night/this morning. what a crazy, very fun night -- more on that later.