(no subject)
bleh. i do miss adam. it's been like a month and a half already. i should hate him. i want to hate him. god. eric and i were sitting in the car and the song 'safe home' by anthrax came on. it took me back to the first time i heard anthrax - it was that song - with adam. i miss him so much. i still have dreams about him all the time. i still think about him a lot. some of the best and worst times of my life were with adam, and let me tell you, that's a really hard spot to be in. i don't know yet if i'm happier without him. but i do know i shouldn't be with him, and that makes it harder. god what has that boy done to me. damn. this is some serious heartache. i can't even listen to this music, it's so him i can't even stand it. god i fucking miss him. i just want to get this phase of needing adam over with so i can continue the process of getting over him. sounds so mechanic. i really feel like i have lost a spark i had without adam in my life, a zest for life if you will. he gave me a sense of peace and happiness in the chaos of my life, no matter what i always had him to talk to and to understand me. to share my pain with about horrible things in the world. to shoulder the unbearable pain of being raped. once that happened he gave part of himself to me to have, to talk to completely uncensored. i guess it's just hard to adjust to not having that. i know i'll overcome, i just needed to release all this emotion and get it over with. it's hard because everything around me reminds me of him. ugh i just can't stop crying right now. i miss him so fucking much. i'm glad i told him in the end that i love him, because i do love him for all the amazing experiences, and just being able to know him. i hope he does find happiness. i wish it could have been with me, but i still have hope that someday down the road, fate decides we were meant to be. i admit it, i'm hopeful. but what else can i do to get through it? just keep going and hope for the best. i hope i get my spark back.