(no subject)
i finally have figured it out! wow. adam is doing the same thing i'm doing, except he's been doing it his whole life. running, constantly running and using people (girls, or guys in my case). that's why i can't be anything more than sex and my intelligence. that's why he will never love me or be with me with me. he has dealt with things just as horrible as me or worse. and i know he cares about me and i know he feels bad about what he does to me, but, similarly to me, can't stop doing it. when i say can't, i mean mentally. i can't stop doing what i do because i'm not ready to. i don't want to. so what if i smoke whenever i'm not at work? so what if i treat guys like objects? i don't care. i like doing this, and right now this is exactly what i want to be doing. i know i have serious issues from being raped and how the police handled it, and consequently issues with society and our accepted beliefs. the accepted society we live in has failed me. i supported it up until they gave me a reason not to. fuck them. all i see accepted society as anymore is just an obstacle in the way of living like i need to right now to deal with their truths. and somehow they can say it's wrong. well fuck them. i want to know how other people live - the people society dejects. i'm already finding these people are the ones who have learned what i've learned, and the hard way. those of bitter apathy that detest the way we are forced to live regardless of the circumstances we endure. who the fuck are these people that have a life so good that they can say what's right and wrong. now i know why there are gangs. and now i know how we can kill each other. it's the same way i feel, only worse for them. their pain comes out in violence. mine comes out in drugs and using guys. until i get justice, i will seek my own revenge. and i don't feel bad about people who get in my path. i'm so tired. bed.