(no subject)
ugh taking naps at 9pm is not a good idea. it's so f'ing hot in my room.
blah. i hate being home. it's cool for like a week to see family and old friends but god it gets old fast. i hate the way i feel being back in ithaca. i dunno. i feel like i can't be myself. or maybe i just don't like who i am. i feel trapped here because the people i know here don't just know me, they know the past 10 years of me. my past isn't me. it's helped shape who i am now but i dunno. i can't explain it. i feel like because people know so much of my history there's only so much i can be. when people don't know everything about you, they only see you for who you are now. when i'm around my family and friends here i feel i have to act a certain way because that's what they know and expect.
i've come to be so disgusted with people. it sickens me to see people with their children. all just to keep their dna existing. i wonder if people knew what happened after life if their goal would still be to reproduce. instinctually i mean. i really have been thinking a lot about the actions of people based on their instinct. i wonder if all actions are a product of some primal need. i really do look at people as they would be portrayed on an animal show on tv. i know it sounds weird but whatever. see i wish i could talk to silas right now because he would know exactly what i'm talking about. i've been thinking a lot about something he said to me a few weeks ago, about how people were not supposed to come this far. i don't know if i agree with that or not, but it really has been making me think. am i becoming more like my dad? i fucking pray to god i'm not. blah i dunno. i'm just really depressed these days. it's spreading to deeper levels. it's there, in everything, the way i think and perceive. things that didn't depress me before are really depressing me now. like the concept of pets. i still haven't convinced myself i shouldn't feel guilty for having scooter. and then i can't even bear the idea that people out there treat their pets badly. why don't i fucking kill myself? i wish i could. it's just becoming harder to be happy in this world. people who say to question things don't know what the fuck they're talking about. don't question. keep your head down and go through life. what good is it to question everything and realize you don't agree with any of it? then you're just unhappy in society but unable to do anything about it. lol silas would know exactly what i'm talking about here too. i worry i'm aging too much mentally. i always forget i'm only 21, how did i come to be so miserable already? see the wonderful thing about silas is that he knows who i am as a person now, but he sees me as me and not as the problems i encounter in life. and he understands how someone with my personality, me, reacts to the problems. silas really does make me feel like such a great and special person. when i talk to him about how i feel he doesn't judge me or just see me as depressed, he makes me feel like i'm still just a great, happy girl but he really understands my sensitivity and why i react how i do. and the truly wonderful part is that he always encourages me to be true to myself, no matter how sad people's actions make me, not to lose myself in it. it's such a hard thing to do but that's really why i appreciate his encouragement. i'm actually feeling much better in this moment thinking about it. blah i miss being in buffalo =( i really miss rachel too. i miss alex and joyce. i'm excited to make friends with people at work though. well i mean i have already made really good friends with cait and kristi and stephen and kinda nate, and mike. but i can't wait to know them even more so we're friends outside of work too. i'm too damn impatient, and i always feel so at ease when i first meet people that i forget they might not feel as comfortable as i do right away. and plus there's always that time period that you have to wait out regardless. rachel would know what i mean, i had this conversation with her back in september. i hope stephen works tomorrow =) i absolutely love flirting with him. he makes work so fun hehehehehe. okay, time to try to go back to sleep.
blah. i hate being home. it's cool for like a week to see family and old friends but god it gets old fast. i hate the way i feel being back in ithaca. i dunno. i feel like i can't be myself. or maybe i just don't like who i am. i feel trapped here because the people i know here don't just know me, they know the past 10 years of me. my past isn't me. it's helped shape who i am now but i dunno. i can't explain it. i feel like because people know so much of my history there's only so much i can be. when people don't know everything about you, they only see you for who you are now. when i'm around my family and friends here i feel i have to act a certain way because that's what they know and expect.
i've come to be so disgusted with people. it sickens me to see people with their children. all just to keep their dna existing. i wonder if people knew what happened after life if their goal would still be to reproduce. instinctually i mean. i really have been thinking a lot about the actions of people based on their instinct. i wonder if all actions are a product of some primal need. i really do look at people as they would be portrayed on an animal show on tv. i know it sounds weird but whatever. see i wish i could talk to silas right now because he would know exactly what i'm talking about. i've been thinking a lot about something he said to me a few weeks ago, about how people were not supposed to come this far. i don't know if i agree with that or not, but it really has been making me think. am i becoming more like my dad? i fucking pray to god i'm not. blah i dunno. i'm just really depressed these days. it's spreading to deeper levels. it's there, in everything, the way i think and perceive. things that didn't depress me before are really depressing me now. like the concept of pets. i still haven't convinced myself i shouldn't feel guilty for having scooter. and then i can't even bear the idea that people out there treat their pets badly. why don't i fucking kill myself? i wish i could. it's just becoming harder to be happy in this world. people who say to question things don't know what the fuck they're talking about. don't question. keep your head down and go through life. what good is it to question everything and realize you don't agree with any of it? then you're just unhappy in society but unable to do anything about it. lol silas would know exactly what i'm talking about here too. i worry i'm aging too much mentally. i always forget i'm only 21, how did i come to be so miserable already? see the wonderful thing about silas is that he knows who i am as a person now, but he sees me as me and not as the problems i encounter in life. and he understands how someone with my personality, me, reacts to the problems. silas really does make me feel like such a great and special person. when i talk to him about how i feel he doesn't judge me or just see me as depressed, he makes me feel like i'm still just a great, happy girl but he really understands my sensitivity and why i react how i do. and the truly wonderful part is that he always encourages me to be true to myself, no matter how sad people's actions make me, not to lose myself in it. it's such a hard thing to do but that's really why i appreciate his encouragement. i'm actually feeling much better in this moment thinking about it. blah i miss being in buffalo =( i really miss rachel too. i miss alex and joyce. i'm excited to make friends with people at work though. well i mean i have already made really good friends with cait and kristi and stephen and kinda nate, and mike. but i can't wait to know them even more so we're friends outside of work too. i'm too damn impatient, and i always feel so at ease when i first meet people that i forget they might not feel as comfortable as i do right away. and plus there's always that time period that you have to wait out regardless. rachel would know what i mean, i had this conversation with her back in september. i hope stephen works tomorrow =) i absolutely love flirting with him. he makes work so fun hehehehehe. okay, time to try to go back to sleep.