(no subject)
i just got home. i had a great conversation with silas, i really like him a lot. we just talked for hours about life and everything. i realized i might be too intense for people if i open up because i force them to recognize a truth that so many people are either in denial about or incapable of understanding. when i said to him i used to cut my wrists because the pain of knowing about suffering in the world is too overwhelming for me, he just got a really strange look on his face. i can't explain it. i know it's stupid to get worked up about things i can't control, but it does kill me inside to know there are people starving and hurt in the world. plus environment issues and animal cruelty really bother me.
i've been thinking a lot about jesus. the other night i was thinking about how i feel, how i just feel like i try to do good and yet bad things just keep happening. and then i realized that on an obviously much larger scale, jesus might have felt the same way. all he wanted was good in the world. i cried thinking about it, and for the first time in my entire life i really felt horrible for the things jesus went through, and felt such a profound respect and awe of him. it was really strange. i am really starting to think about my values in life. i mean like things i have never really given thought to. i realized tonight i am exactly where i wanted to be in life. or so i thought. i thought the way i live right now would be the perfect way to live. but as with everything, there are downfalls. i want something more. i've been really stressed out lately, and i need to just do a complete evaluation of what i'm doing. i can't keep living the way i do. i am thinking a lot about religion and god, my values in people, what i want in a companion, what i want in life. i've been thinking about everything, government, society. i'm recognizing alot of qualities that have been instilled in me via society laws and stigmas, and i'm finding i disagree with many aspects deemed right and wrong. i feel like a bad person because yes, i do 'bad' things. i am probably considered a whore by many, i am not honest all the time. but i feel like maybe it's possible i am too hard on myself? i believe i am honest when it's important, and i really do try to talk to people and help when someone feels sad. maybe it's that i'm really learning what kind of person i want to be, and now i am trying to figure out if these aspirations are compatible with my personality. a lot of people lately have been telling me that i am really smart and a really good person, but i don't feel like i am. i feel like i have too much sadness to be a good person. i feel like i'm losing my ability to stay positive, and because i am not handling a lot of things in my life very well i feel like a bad person. this journal makes me feel dirty because all it is is a bunch of whiney entries about being depressed. but, it's venting, and i almost feel like too many of the entries only talk about my frustrations and sadness and it's come to a point where it's who i am. i don't feel like it's who i am though. i can only imagine what this journal makes me sound like. ok i'm exhausted.
i've been thinking a lot about jesus. the other night i was thinking about how i feel, how i just feel like i try to do good and yet bad things just keep happening. and then i realized that on an obviously much larger scale, jesus might have felt the same way. all he wanted was good in the world. i cried thinking about it, and for the first time in my entire life i really felt horrible for the things jesus went through, and felt such a profound respect and awe of him. it was really strange. i am really starting to think about my values in life. i mean like things i have never really given thought to. i realized tonight i am exactly where i wanted to be in life. or so i thought. i thought the way i live right now would be the perfect way to live. but as with everything, there are downfalls. i want something more. i've been really stressed out lately, and i need to just do a complete evaluation of what i'm doing. i can't keep living the way i do. i am thinking a lot about religion and god, my values in people, what i want in a companion, what i want in life. i've been thinking about everything, government, society. i'm recognizing alot of qualities that have been instilled in me via society laws and stigmas, and i'm finding i disagree with many aspects deemed right and wrong. i feel like a bad person because yes, i do 'bad' things. i am probably considered a whore by many, i am not honest all the time. but i feel like maybe it's possible i am too hard on myself? i believe i am honest when it's important, and i really do try to talk to people and help when someone feels sad. maybe it's that i'm really learning what kind of person i want to be, and now i am trying to figure out if these aspirations are compatible with my personality. a lot of people lately have been telling me that i am really smart and a really good person, but i don't feel like i am. i feel like i have too much sadness to be a good person. i feel like i'm losing my ability to stay positive, and because i am not handling a lot of things in my life very well i feel like a bad person. this journal makes me feel dirty because all it is is a bunch of whiney entries about being depressed. but, it's venting, and i almost feel like too many of the entries only talk about my frustrations and sadness and it's come to a point where it's who i am. i don't feel like it's who i am though. i can only imagine what this journal makes me sound like. ok i'm exhausted.