looking toward the future
I was looking back at some of my old entries. Most of which are filled with gushing about some boy and how much I like him. Funny how not one of those relationships actually worked out. It is strange to see how I felt in the beginning of a relationship. Part of me wants to erase all of them thus erasing unwanted memories. Then again I do not know if they really are unwanted. They were part of my past and my future. They all have opened my eyes to the great the things a relationship can offer or all of the things I need to watch out for. All of them have set the bar for my next relationship in one way or another. I guess I can thank them for doing that at the least. I hope that with the future I allow myself to fall head over heels for someone. That is the part that scares me most of all. I keep wondering why that is. Why is it that I cannot allow someone to like be back and at the first sign some something real I curl into a ball and hope they just forget about me. Then when I know the boy I like will not like me that is when I really start to like them. ugh. That is not what I want. I really want to find someone and for me to be the person that they found. Is this possible? I just have to take the risk of getting hurt. I think that is what scares me. The fact that once I really put myself out there I feel like it will just be a matter of time until they realize I am not that great. I push them away because I don't want to be the one that gets hurt. My relationships tend not to last long because once the relationship starts getting serious then that is when I risk hurting myself and them. It is like I need someone saying in the back of my head "this is a good thing do not get scared just take it slow." I will take it slow. I need not rush into something.