I can't breathe when you talk to me; when you're touching me; I'm going out of my mind.
So I'm sitting here at MCC on December 12, 2007 waiting for my last calculus class of the semester. Well it's review before our final exam. I'm just in a kind of weird mood. For once I've made friends in my classes, and I'm almost sad the semester is ending. lol. I'm really glad that I'll be done with school with a month. but before I can completely relax I still have my calc final, which I am totally nervous for. If I don't pass the final, I don't get a C in the course. I've been studying my butt off!!! I just pray that I can do this. I have to. I refuse to get another D in a course.
So anyways, I was walking from my last Psychology class today, kind of bummed because I didn't do as well on my last test as I wanted...I actually did terrible in the course. It's just it's hard working full time and trying to be a full time student---and get enough sleep to get through the day. That's why next semester I'm only taking 4 classes. But anyways, I was walking through the halls to get to the library and I was listening to my iPod--Something Beautiful by Natalie Grant was playing and it just reminded me that even though I'm not the best at school-GOD STILL LOVES ME. He doesn't look at my grades, he looks at how much I love him and how true my heart is to him. And I just reminded myself that in a few months I will be where I want to be--where School isn't the #1 thing, God is. VFCC will help me more so in my walk with Christ then in school. I seriously cannot wait. It's hard to live in a place and work in a place where they try to bring you down--where there is so much darkness. Sometimes it's hard to see clearly or hard to do the right thing. I'm not a perfect person, I've made so many mistakes. And most of them have been this past year. I've got caught up in the moment way too many times. I like that I don't have feelings for a guy, because I don't need someone to distract me right now. I need to focus on God because the more unGodly things I do, the more unGodly my heart becomes. I faulter big time when it comes to guys and emotions and feelings and lust. I struggle so much with keeping a pure mind. And a pure mind is just as important as a pure heart. All I want is to be more like Christ and be genuine. I don't want to become a hypocrite. I don't want to look back at my life and regret things and be ashamed of the way I live.
Maybe it's taking the easy way out, but I know that when I get to VFCC there will be people there that feel the same as I do, and will encourage me to do the right thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm always encouraging everyone else to do the right thing, that I forget about myself. I'm still true to God. I'm still so in love with him. My heart is still totally sold to him---but I want MORE. I still have a fire in my heart for him, but it's dying. I can feel it going down. I don't want that. I'm so glad I've gotten the chance to switch my work schedule and be able to go to church on sunday's. I didn't think it was that important--but it really is. You don't realize how important something is in your life till it's gone.
I want to be someone that other people can come to when they feel they need someone to talk to or when they've done something wrong and they need advice...or whatever. I want to be the "Jesus" that someone doesn't have. Because I want to lead them to the Lord. I've heard so many times--Julie, You're the closest thing I have to God. And I use that and I feel I'm an example. But if I'm drinking and going to parties and fooling around with guys, what kind of an example is that!? That's everything I tell people not to do, and I'm doing it? I don't think so. Everyone makes mistakes, and I'm not done---I'll make mistakes the rest of my life, but I'm really going to try to stay away from the wrong people and the wrong things---so my mind is clean and pure. So that I'm more and more Christlike.
Well I have class now.
Just wanted to say that I'm glad that being good at school doesn't mean everything to God. I'm glad that God sees me for who I am, not my grades.
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