tonight the heartache's on me....
well....
i feel bad bc i havn't been updating as much as i should....
but i've tried...my computer is just retarded and it freezes a lot...
urg.
it's upsetting.
so here's whats been going on in Julie world:
*i had a wonderful thanksgiving. it really was wonderful. but i worked A LOT. but its ok...bc that means $$$$$.
*kelly craig found out she's having a baby boy---and she just got engaged. the wedding's july 2nd...and i'm totally excited for this. i'm just glad she's trying to make something good out of what's happend. i'm almost jealous though....she's going to have something i've dreamed about for so long...a husband and a family...i mean she will. but i know it'll happen to me...i just gotta wait a little longer.
*i started talking to chris again.
*kal, cat and me went to the mall and went out to dinner for cat's birthday last friday---we had so much fun. it's been a long time since we've hung out--and i miss it so much. i wish it was summer again. <3
*well a few days ago chris just told me that he and my good friend kaylei miller have been hanging out a lot..and now they want to be more than friends. and....lets just say i'm really hurt. friends don't do that to each other. they just don't...it's not right and its definately not nice. i think i was taken back more than anything...and chris wasn't really being nice about it either. which is understandable i guess bc i hurt him. sooo i was pissed. i was hurt, sad, angry. i cried in the shower for about an hour so my mom couldn't see me. it's kinda like my heart stopped...and i just wanted to die. thats how bad this hurts. because she KNOWS that i'm not over him...and that i still love him very much. thats what hurts the most is that she was such a good friend...and then she stabbed me in the back. and it made me even more mad because chris doesn't understand why i could be mad at her. he's like don't throw your friendship away just because she likes me---i'm like don't you ever tell me what to do. this isn't some light subject. and i told him that i was thinking about starting to hang out again and maybe something would happen from there---he's like whatever. whatever!? don't you whatever me! omg. he was pissing me off so bad. so yeah. then the next day i got home from practice and kaylei called me. and i told her right from the start---i don't hate you and i still love you---but i can't believe you did this to me. and so on. and she's like i never meant for this to happen....it was never in the back of my mind that i would ever like chris. it just happend. she's like everytime i talked to you---it was sincere---and i never meant to do this to you. but the thing is!!! she shouldn't have been even hanging out with him if she was really my friend. it's different if she was a total stranger...then it would be ok i guess. but she's my friend!!!! friends don't do things like this. am i right? so i was crying---but i had to leave for work. so i went downstairs---and my parents are like are you crying? i'm like i was. so they're like what's going on--so i told them. chris & kaylei might be dating...and it hurts because i'm still in love with him. i'm not over him...i go to bed at night and cry because it hurts so much and because i miss him. i'm like i'm not happy anymore---i don't ever smile. i just feel...sad. and i told them that i kinda wanna get back together w him...but i don't want to be disobedient to God. i think that if we try things again...maybe it would work out---and maybe it wouldn't. but at least i'd know for sure---and i wouldn't have to keep wondering what if. ya know? it's hard. and i really need to talk to chris.
*so today was a lot better. i wasn't as sad. i feel at peace kinda. and i talked to kal about it--which made me feel better. um...school sucked as usual. lol. but study hall was fun with meg and dave...it always is. then i had practice...and ms. carroll picked captains. oh yeah she did--and guess what? i am...but so is the other 3 girls. i'm pissed. i've worked so hard for 5 fricken years---and she doesn't even care. it's a huge slap in the face. i don't know....i guess i don't care. she's just going to have more problems. whatever. i think i'm going to tell her how i really feel---bc it doesn't even matter anymore if i'm nice. lol. she's an idiot....and i'm sick of busting my butt so she can just take the easy way out. she's a coward.
i had church tonight...and i'm glad...bc i got to talk to shannon the whole time about my problems...and it was nice bc she gives me an adult christian perspective about this whole situation. i just hope everything works out...and i hope i do the right thing. i just gotta trust God---and know that he'll make things work.
life's hard.
but it's too long
to live it like
some country song.
i'm out.
<3<3<3
Love- something you hold onto no matter what the circumstances, no matter whats said, no matter
how much it hurts, and no matter how hopeless it
all seems.
tonight the heartache's on me
let's drink a toast to the fool who couldn't see.
bartender pour the wine
cause the hurtin's all mine
tonight the heartache's on me.