Ouch.
My heart is a little bit cracked. Not quite broken, but it's hurting. I'm trying to convert that pain into resentment. It's easier to get over being mad than it is sad. For me anyway.
It was a shock. He went from being all about me to all of a sudden just friends. I'm talkin about blowing up my phone everyday and making random comments about the future wanting his hugs wanting to know what I was thinking and oh my gosh....I think it's safe to say he was very much in to me. But unfortunately bad things happen to good people and some bad shit went down at work and he caught the brunt of it. It put some fear in to him. And unfortunately for me I got lumped in with a negative stereotype. He should know me well enough by now to know that I am NOT a bad person, that I don't broadcast all of my business to the people I work with. I'm much smarter than that. IF anyone knows how to take something to the grave it's me....because I've got some secrets.
He broke it down to me that if people on the dept knew about us I would be heavily scrutinized and looked down upon for being in a relationship with a black man. I might be disrespected. And I will be marked.
What the fuck ever.
I keep my personal life and professional life very separate...because if I didn't it would drive me mad. If people asked me if I have someone in my life I would simply answer yes and that I prefer to keep it to myself. If people found out I was with a black man and they judge me for that....power to them. I don't give a fuck what people think about me. If they want to judge me negatively that's fine....because that's how God will judge them when their time comes.
He was cleared by the chief the other day. Free and clear and he has a new job in a new division and he's going to rock at it. I'm glad he got rightfully deserved justice.
So part of me thinks that now that this is blowing over and he has time to cool off and not be so worried, if he really truly liked me they way he said he did and behaved in such a way that he will call me back. You can't just turn feelings off like that.
But then again the other, more wiser and less hopeful part of me thinks he won't call back. He was running game on me. He is incredibly sexy, got beautiful eyes, a perfect gorgeous smile, a tight and strong body...his arms are big and I loved having them wrapped around me. I felt very safe with him. He knew all the right things to say and he was very attentive to me. He was affectionate, flirty and hilarious and so much fun to be around. He did all the chasing when he knew from the get go that I didn't want a relationship. We didn't have any problems. Sounds too good to be true, right? It was short lived and I enjoyed every minute of it.
I miss him bad. It's been a week now and my feelings are coming in waves. At times I don't care and other times I'm very down. This is the first weekend of us not being together. I have so much time on my hands now I'm like...what do I do with myself? I've been hanging around Shana and Julie a whole lot, but I feel like I'm wearing out my welcome fast. Shana is fun but she's got a whole load of drama that I really don't want to hear about because she doesn't make the appropriate changes to better herself. Instead she mopes and wonders why things have been so hard for her. I know exactly why things are so hard for her, damn it. But she doesn't listen. Plus she's been drinking and smoking too much. And Julie is with Travis. They live together and do everything together. It's pretty much impossible to get any time alone with her. I'm always the 3rd wheel.
So yeah, things kind of suck right now in my personal life.
Work is work and I'm almost done at the academy. I'm so ready to be out of there.
I've been sick with a bad cold the last 3 days. I feel much better today though.
Everytime my phone makes a sound and I look to see it's not him it's quite a bummer.
It was a shock. He went from being all about me to all of a sudden just friends. I'm talkin about blowing up my phone everyday and making random comments about the future wanting his hugs wanting to know what I was thinking and oh my gosh....I think it's safe to say he was very much in to me. But unfortunately bad things happen to good people and some bad shit went down at work and he caught the brunt of it. It put some fear in to him. And unfortunately for me I got lumped in with a negative stereotype. He should know me well enough by now to know that I am NOT a bad person, that I don't broadcast all of my business to the people I work with. I'm much smarter than that. IF anyone knows how to take something to the grave it's me....because I've got some secrets.
He broke it down to me that if people on the dept knew about us I would be heavily scrutinized and looked down upon for being in a relationship with a black man. I might be disrespected. And I will be marked.
What the fuck ever.
I keep my personal life and professional life very separate...because if I didn't it would drive me mad. If people asked me if I have someone in my life I would simply answer yes and that I prefer to keep it to myself. If people found out I was with a black man and they judge me for that....power to them. I don't give a fuck what people think about me. If they want to judge me negatively that's fine....because that's how God will judge them when their time comes.
He was cleared by the chief the other day. Free and clear and he has a new job in a new division and he's going to rock at it. I'm glad he got rightfully deserved justice.
So part of me thinks that now that this is blowing over and he has time to cool off and not be so worried, if he really truly liked me they way he said he did and behaved in such a way that he will call me back. You can't just turn feelings off like that.
But then again the other, more wiser and less hopeful part of me thinks he won't call back. He was running game on me. He is incredibly sexy, got beautiful eyes, a perfect gorgeous smile, a tight and strong body...his arms are big and I loved having them wrapped around me. I felt very safe with him. He knew all the right things to say and he was very attentive to me. He was affectionate, flirty and hilarious and so much fun to be around. He did all the chasing when he knew from the get go that I didn't want a relationship. We didn't have any problems. Sounds too good to be true, right? It was short lived and I enjoyed every minute of it.
I miss him bad. It's been a week now and my feelings are coming in waves. At times I don't care and other times I'm very down. This is the first weekend of us not being together. I have so much time on my hands now I'm like...what do I do with myself? I've been hanging around Shana and Julie a whole lot, but I feel like I'm wearing out my welcome fast. Shana is fun but she's got a whole load of drama that I really don't want to hear about because she doesn't make the appropriate changes to better herself. Instead she mopes and wonders why things have been so hard for her. I know exactly why things are so hard for her, damn it. But she doesn't listen. Plus she's been drinking and smoking too much. And Julie is with Travis. They live together and do everything together. It's pretty much impossible to get any time alone with her. I'm always the 3rd wheel.
So yeah, things kind of suck right now in my personal life.
Work is work and I'm almost done at the academy. I'm so ready to be out of there.
I've been sick with a bad cold the last 3 days. I feel much better today though.
Everytime my phone makes a sound and I look to see it's not him it's quite a bummer.