(no subject)
I hardly know where to begin, except I've truly had enough of life at the moment.......
I have been feeling so depressed for quite a while now. I'm not sleeping properly and not eating properly, I feel sick and tired and very weepy, I want to stay either in bed all day, in front of the TV or playing a silly game that I've downloaded and I don't know how to delete. I know I've not been the life and soul of the party, but I don't deserve to be treated the way I've been treated over the last few days. A friend on here has said she has been feeling like she's been left out of the loop and I know exactly how she feels. I feel so left out and unconnected, sitting beside my huge black hole of despair.
A few months back my two so called best friends pissed off to Belgium for a booze and fags shopping spree, I wasn't even asked if I wanted to go with them....they did it again two weeks ago...I probably wouldn't have gone but they could've asked if I wanted to go. Yet one of them had the cheek to ask me to pick up her son from school the very Friday they were going as she was stuck in a training course until 4pm.
Last night was the school leaver's prom, I wasn't sure if I was going as I couldn't get a lift and a taxi would've cost over £20. Yesterday morning 'the friend' announces that she is now going as her daughter's granddad was giving her a lift, she asks me if I am going, I explain that I haven't got a lift and she says nothing, zilch.....we live 10 mins away from each other. Anyway another work collegue said that she was picking a teacher up who lives not far from me and that I could jump in the car if I could be ready and at the end of the road by 6.30pm. I was so happy I could have kissed her. I didn't, I think she would have freaked out...poor woman! The saga continues, we are at the prom....my two 'best friends' arrive, one speaks to me and is chatty and nice and expresses concern over how I'm feeling, the other one walks away every time I go to speak to them.....I have no fucking idea what I've done wrong...I haven't bitched about her at work or to my other friend...I wouldn't as it's not fair to put anyone else in that position....I haven't done anything wrong and it's getting to the stage where it's making me very unhappy....but I'm not going to ask her because if it's a stupid reason I will just blow my fucking top!!!! I know I will. I need to just walk away and for the sake of the other friend, just be civil to the silly mare friend.
I hate it when people do that....I've a feeling that she doesn't want to be a good friend anymore but doesn't want to cut me off in case she needs a favour......well, I'm afraid I'm not that fucking stupid.........
I'm sick of work....the male art teacher has really upset me this week with a sexist comment about my boobs...he told me I'd got a lovely pair of jugs......I was carrying jugs at the time but this was a definate double entendre in front of the kids and in reception where some parents were waiting to see the head.......what a TWAT!!! So I did complain and now if I want to take it further I can, but if not he will still be reprimanded by the senior management....if I take it further he could lose his job and I know ultimately it's his own fault BUT I told my Mum about my stepfather and he committed suicide....I still feel responsible for that even though I'm not and I know I'm not but I feel it....
and the bloody counsellor made me tell him the events that led up tp me trying to take my own life when I was 14.....I have never actually put them into words before........I've never told anyone exactly what happened.....I NEVER will again...it hurts too much!! I'm sorry for rambling on....I just need to.
And I thought I had managed to put this behind a cut but as usual I've fucked that up as well!
I have been feeling so depressed for quite a while now. I'm not sleeping properly and not eating properly, I feel sick and tired and very weepy, I want to stay either in bed all day, in front of the TV or playing a silly game that I've downloaded and I don't know how to delete. I know I've not been the life and soul of the party, but I don't deserve to be treated the way I've been treated over the last few days. A friend on here has said she has been feeling like she's been left out of the loop and I know exactly how she feels. I feel so left out and unconnected, sitting beside my huge black hole of despair.
A few months back my two so called best friends pissed off to Belgium for a booze and fags shopping spree, I wasn't even asked if I wanted to go with them....they did it again two weeks ago...I probably wouldn't have gone but they could've asked if I wanted to go. Yet one of them had the cheek to ask me to pick up her son from school the very Friday they were going as she was stuck in a training course until 4pm.
Last night was the school leaver's prom, I wasn't sure if I was going as I couldn't get a lift and a taxi would've cost over £20. Yesterday morning 'the friend' announces that she is now going as her daughter's granddad was giving her a lift, she asks me if I am going, I explain that I haven't got a lift and she says nothing, zilch.....we live 10 mins away from each other. Anyway another work collegue said that she was picking a teacher up who lives not far from me and that I could jump in the car if I could be ready and at the end of the road by 6.30pm. I was so happy I could have kissed her. I didn't, I think she would have freaked out...poor woman! The saga continues, we are at the prom....my two 'best friends' arrive, one speaks to me and is chatty and nice and expresses concern over how I'm feeling, the other one walks away every time I go to speak to them.....I have no fucking idea what I've done wrong...I haven't bitched about her at work or to my other friend...I wouldn't as it's not fair to put anyone else in that position....I haven't done anything wrong and it's getting to the stage where it's making me very unhappy....but I'm not going to ask her because if it's a stupid reason I will just blow my fucking top!!!! I know I will. I need to just walk away and for the sake of the other friend, just be civil to the silly mare friend.
I hate it when people do that....I've a feeling that she doesn't want to be a good friend anymore but doesn't want to cut me off in case she needs a favour......well, I'm afraid I'm not that fucking stupid.........
I'm sick of work....the male art teacher has really upset me this week with a sexist comment about my boobs...he told me I'd got a lovely pair of jugs......I was carrying jugs at the time but this was a definate double entendre in front of the kids and in reception where some parents were waiting to see the head.......what a TWAT!!! So I did complain and now if I want to take it further I can, but if not he will still be reprimanded by the senior management....if I take it further he could lose his job and I know ultimately it's his own fault BUT I told my Mum about my stepfather and he committed suicide....I still feel responsible for that even though I'm not and I know I'm not but I feel it....
and the bloody counsellor made me tell him the events that led up tp me trying to take my own life when I was 14.....I have never actually put them into words before........I've never told anyone exactly what happened.....I NEVER will again...it hurts too much!! I'm sorry for rambling on....I just need to.
And I thought I had managed to put this behind a cut but as usual I've fucked that up as well!