3 and a half weeks to go......

[julie7997]

Sleeping is non-existant. I guess I should get used to that. I am so uncomfortable. It doesn't matter how tired I am; I can't sleep. It's not just the fact that I'm uncomfortable; I can't get my mind to stop. I have all these thoughts in my head. I am very excited but I am also very nervous and scared. I have been a huge wuss through this entire thing. I've been to the ER way too much. I think I have overeacted to a lot of things. I think my doctor and nurse think I am a hypochondriac. First trimester I had little episodes of bleeding and cramping that always turned out to be nothing and the doctor's acting like, "okay, you came to the hospital for that little bit bleeding?" The second trimester I had the really bad anxiety attacks which landed me in the hospital a couple times and no one could figure what was wrong with me. This last trimester I've had very bad swelling; so bad I had to take a leave of absense from work. I haven't worked since Dec. 19th. My swelling and pain was so bad they were searching for blood clots in my legs. The hospital even gave me vicodin for the pain. I couldn't believe it! I asked like a million times if that was really safe for the baby and they said it was okay. I didn't take them religiously. I only took 1 before I went to bed every night because that is was when I was in the most pain. I'm taking them anymore though. I'm trying to get used to pain. Haha. Turned out it was just from walking around on that concrete floor at Home Depot which I wouldn't have had to do if people around there would do there jobs. My job was supposed to be sitting on my ass answering the phone and nothing else. The only problem is the phone center is right in front of the special services desk where customers can see me because there are windows. Of course the special services people can never be found so I have these customers staring at me like, "why aren't you coming out to help me?" I'm too damn nice so I go out and help them. Then the cashiers at Returns ask if I'll watch their register while they go to the bathroom or go smoke or something. Once again, I'm too nice to tell them no. Then of course there is the usual problem of people never answering there phones so I end up taking tons of messages and then have to run all over the store to deliver them to everyone. I just couldn't do it anymore. My pelvis hurts so bad I nearly scream everytime I turn over in bed. My knees hurt; especially my right one since that is the one I have had surgery on twice and was supposed to have surgery a 3rd time but found out I was pregnant so I couldn't. So yeah, the pain in it is pretty damn bad. I can barely walk. M**t has to help me get up and sit up. I feel like a beached whale. The good news is my doctor said I might be able to go a little earlier than my actual due date. Watch it only be like 1 day. Haha.

Now the stuff that has been really freaking me out. What if I can't handle the pain? I mean I am getting an epidural but I'll still have to deal with the contractions for awhile. What if I get post-partum depression really bad? I am terrified of that. I mean I'm already on anti-depressants for depression. I still feel like I'm not prepared for this whole thing. I want this more than anything but what if I'm not a good mother? Through out my life time I haven't been around a lot of babies so I hardly have any experience with them. I've changed maybe 3 diapers in my life time. I'm sure I'm overeacting once again and I'm sure I'll be fine but I am just so scared.