Ripping apart at the seams...
I have never been in a fouler mood. Is fouler even a word? Well, it is now. The worst possible feeling in the world is knowing that you are a disappointment. My parents don't hate me...but they hate every decision that I make. That's worse. And they don't trust me...even though I haven't given them a reason not to. Like, for instance. I told them that I tried calling, but got the answering machine (again). And then my dad had the nerve to go and CHECK THE MACHINE TO SEE IF IT SAYS MISSED CALL. And for some crazy reason (probably because its funny to make my life miserable all at once)the machine does not have my call recorded and my dad accused me of not calling and lying to him WHEN I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT I CALLED AND GOT THE BEGINNING OF THE ANSWERING MACHINE!!! Does he not realize that I am already upset about this...he doesn't have to make it worse!!! What was I supposed to do?!?!?! WALK HOME??? I guess I could have. That was an option I suppose. but, you know...somehow I feel like no matter what I would have done, I would have gotten in big trouble. Because I'm really good that. It's funny...I don't even have to TRY...it just happens. It's amazing. UGH. I feel like such a horrible person. I feel like everything that I thought I knew in the world was a lie. I feel like the one thing I thought I was meant to do with my life...is really what I'm NOT supposed to do. I am so very lost. What I am supposed to trust? My mom said that there is such a fine line dividing good and evil that it is often difficult for some people to tell the difference. In other words...I am "some people" and what I have been dedicating my time...my LIFE to for the past like YEAR is really not what I should have been doing. Instead of it being God's will...i guess i was doing the work of SATIN? Is this what you are telling me mom?!?!?! I don't understand. Why do I try so hard...and end up screwing my life up so badly? How is that possible? HOW? What am I supposed to do NOW? If this line is so fine between good and evil...how am I supposed to know the difference? Because apparently I've been wrong this entire time. No wonder my parents are disappointed with me... I mean, Dan is so incredibly smart...he is going to go far. My parents don't have to worry about him because they know that no matter what, he will be successful and rich. Although he has absolutely no common sense...he is perfect enough as it is...it is acceptable. Justin...Justin IS perfection. He is also really smart...not as smart as Dan...but definitely smarter than me. He aspires to be an engineer which we all know he would be amazing at since he like...built a movie theater in my basement and could fix anything in my house in a day. Justin does so much work around the house, it's no wonder that my parents love him so much. Neither of my brothers spend much time with their friends. They are dedicated to their family...unlike me. Derek doesn't really know what he's doing with his life. Which is okay...because he has time to figure that out. But, Derek has this incredible habit of being able to do everything that I can and more...really well. Briana, poor poor Briana, is a lot like me. My dad says that all of the time. He says it's scary. I don't blame him. I think that I had better warn her to start taking after someone else soon...before it's too late. She IS a lot smarter than me, though. I just don't want my family to suffer 2 failures. Why is there nothing good about me? I'm not exceptionally smart...my passion is theater...which (no matter what they say) my family could never understand...I am going to spend my life searching for a job...scrounging for money...and disappointing my family...my friends are really important to me...so, I like to spend time with them. I have lead my family to believe that I hate them by not spending every waking moment with them...I never do any work around the house...I haven't accomplished anything noteworthy...And NOW...the one thing that I thought I was accomplishing is supposedly the devil's work. I don't understand! I really don't! I'm not trying to be a failure. I guess no one does...why? WHYYYYY? UGH!!!
Have a wonderful day.
Have a wonderful day.