"I ain't lost, just wandering"
Every time I think I get my head/heart around this disease I get a new and potent surprise. I haven't been to the RA doc in awhile, I had some abdominal drama I needed to deal with. The abdominal pain was a mystery to the GI doc, after several obnoxious tests. I had the scope, I had the CT scan with contrast (oh boy what a feeling) and I had the ultrasound. Everything came back just fine, there were no outstanding issues. So we're chalking the pain up to the fibro. Score one for the fibro team. I swear every time I have pain somewhere that scares the fuck out of me I'm just going to shut my mouth, take a pain killer and wait a few months for it to pass. It is nearly always the fibro bullshit.... if I wait it would sure save the time and money it costs to go thru these god damn tests. Then of course logic takes over (damn it) and I know the pain scares the hell out of me, and as much anxiety it causes me to go and meet and deal with new doctors, its even worse to not know for sure if it's fibro or not. Even though the odds are it is. If I don't know every time the pain flairs I have a panic attack, every damn time. so this fall was spent in a fun little roller coaster - ouch my belly hurts -> oh goodie heart palpitations. I don't experience panic attacks like my sisters do, the only way I know its a panic attack is chest pain and palpitations. I've had the ekg, and all that stuff and it came back normal. Yippee. But it's still difficult to explain to K that the chest pain isn't serious. It's hard to explain and not feel like a hypochondriac.
When I was in the 8th grade i was a peer counselor, when we trained I remember very clearly going over the stages of grief. Even though the fibro has been causing drama it's the RA that has me grieving. The fibro doesn't actually harm my body, it won't mangle my joints and change how I have to function. And of course the fibro can't invade my heart and do damage. It's cute that the image I found for the grief stages is linear, because it sure as heck isn't. I jump all over the map, from reconstruction to anger, depression and denial and back again. I still cling to hope, because right now, my RA isn't that bad. I can still walk unaided, I can still knit, I can still type here. I can still move about and behave like a disease free person. I can hide the pain, I can even smile and tell people I'm doing fine, because in comparison I am.
And let's face it, I'm damn lucky, even with this silly disease. I have an amazing and supportive husband. I'm amazed how supportive he is... in so many ways. These three kids I have are great, each and every one of them have done something to keep me moving and keep me positive, even when they are acting up. My friends, my chosen family go out of their way to be there in one way or another. My sister rescheduled her day to go to the endoscope with me, she held my hand, wiped the tears away and even handed me the throw up bowl. I know that if I needed something anyone of them would do everything they could for me. I have friends that text me nearly every day, just to see how I am, or just because the thought of me stuck in his head.
I've got reasons, tons of reasons to be grateful, my little brother, Mr Hot Shot cop just had his first baby. A little boy named Jaxson Douglas. I'm so proud and frankly tickled pink that he's getting peed and pooped on.
So that's it, that's the real focus... every time I ride this emotional, angry, sad ride, I come back to this place every time. I'm grateful, I'm content, even in the pain. Even when I cry, I'm content. Even when I get overloaded in the mountain of laundry, I'm confident that my life is good, even with this silly disease. And who knows where medicine will be in 10 years.
When I was in the 8th grade i was a peer counselor, when we trained I remember very clearly going over the stages of grief. Even though the fibro has been causing drama it's the RA that has me grieving. The fibro doesn't actually harm my body, it won't mangle my joints and change how I have to function. And of course the fibro can't invade my heart and do damage. It's cute that the image I found for the grief stages is linear, because it sure as heck isn't. I jump all over the map, from reconstruction to anger, depression and denial and back again. I still cling to hope, because right now, my RA isn't that bad. I can still walk unaided, I can still knit, I can still type here. I can still move about and behave like a disease free person. I can hide the pain, I can even smile and tell people I'm doing fine, because in comparison I am.
And let's face it, I'm damn lucky, even with this silly disease. I have an amazing and supportive husband. I'm amazed how supportive he is... in so many ways. These three kids I have are great, each and every one of them have done something to keep me moving and keep me positive, even when they are acting up. My friends, my chosen family go out of their way to be there in one way or another. My sister rescheduled her day to go to the endoscope with me, she held my hand, wiped the tears away and even handed me the throw up bowl. I know that if I needed something anyone of them would do everything they could for me. I have friends that text me nearly every day, just to see how I am, or just because the thought of me stuck in his head.
I've got reasons, tons of reasons to be grateful, my little brother, Mr Hot Shot cop just had his first baby. A little boy named Jaxson Douglas. I'm so proud and frankly tickled pink that he's getting peed and pooped on.
So that's it, that's the real focus... every time I ride this emotional, angry, sad ride, I come back to this place every time. I'm grateful, I'm content, even in the pain. Even when I cry, I'm content. Even when I get overloaded in the mountain of laundry, I'm confident that my life is good, even with this silly disease. And who knows where medicine will be in 10 years.