Thinking
Y'know, one thing I've found I liked going to a small chat with a group of friends you know well...it's okay if you sit on the sidelines. You can sit and listen for a while. And for someone like me, who often just likes to listen to conversations even though I may have nothing intelligent to add myself, this is a good thing.
One of the reasons I admit I am hesitant to get on AIM much anymore is the fact that almost every single person would just...wants to hear me talk. This is not me making myself sound interesting, it's...really been said straight to my face. And...and I'm not really comfortable with this. If you get me hyper enough or, strangely enough tired enough that I'm in a rambling state of mind (I ramble when I'm tired), I can go on and on about anything. But y'know, I hate having to come up with topics on my own because the silence has gotten too long and awkward. And how many people have I tried to encourage to talk about their own stories and characters, but in the end it just gets re-directed to mine. I understand when you want to keep your story secret, but on the other hand, sometimes I feel like I'm being interviewed about "Legacy." It's just...weird for me.
I really do appreciate conversations as TWO WAY affairs. I ALWAYS get worried if I'm talking one on one and I feel like I'm saying everything, but I swear, every time I ask if I'm monopolizing the conversation, they say it's okay, they just like to hear me talk. :\ I suppose I should be honoured? I dunno. Hell, this is probably why I feel like that if I'm not being funny in a conversation because I'm tired or not in my happiest of moods, that I'm failing a person. Sometimes I feel more like I'm entertaining a person than I am having a conversation. I've been known to go "*stands on head*" if I run out of things to say because I feel like I'm trying to keep a person interested.
So that's partially why most of the time I shy away from one-on-one chats. I don't feel like I can carry a conversation by myself most of the time. At least, not to the imaginary standard I've made after years of talking randomly about various subjects to people, even if they don't reply much themselves. Can I do it? Yes! ...But I don't really like it.
I'm not really trying to single anyone out or make anyone feel bad...but...y'know, it just feels weird when I'm told things like that, that they just find me fascinating to listen to, and then just sit back and want me to go on some long, mostly one-sided discussion, or long sequence of crack. I like conversations. I like batting ideas back and forth with people. Isn't that what talking over things like AIM is for? And now I feel like I've accidentally carried it into my other conversations with the few people who do like back and forth banter, just because y'know, I do what I'm used to, and by now, what I'm used to is having to be the entertaining one in a conversation.
It'd really be nice to get that burden off my feet...but not to give it to someone else, but to, I dunno, to make a silly metaphor, throw it around like a beach ball. I dunno if that worked, but you get the idea.
Besides, if you want to hear me ramble...I've been keeping this journal since 2002. You can find PLENTY of rambles in the archives.
One of the reasons I admit I am hesitant to get on AIM much anymore is the fact that almost every single person would just...wants to hear me talk. This is not me making myself sound interesting, it's...really been said straight to my face. And...and I'm not really comfortable with this. If you get me hyper enough or, strangely enough tired enough that I'm in a rambling state of mind (I ramble when I'm tired), I can go on and on about anything. But y'know, I hate having to come up with topics on my own because the silence has gotten too long and awkward. And how many people have I tried to encourage to talk about their own stories and characters, but in the end it just gets re-directed to mine. I understand when you want to keep your story secret, but on the other hand, sometimes I feel like I'm being interviewed about "Legacy." It's just...weird for me.
I really do appreciate conversations as TWO WAY affairs. I ALWAYS get worried if I'm talking one on one and I feel like I'm saying everything, but I swear, every time I ask if I'm monopolizing the conversation, they say it's okay, they just like to hear me talk. :\ I suppose I should be honoured? I dunno. Hell, this is probably why I feel like that if I'm not being funny in a conversation because I'm tired or not in my happiest of moods, that I'm failing a person. Sometimes I feel more like I'm entertaining a person than I am having a conversation. I've been known to go "*stands on head*" if I run out of things to say because I feel like I'm trying to keep a person interested.
So that's partially why most of the time I shy away from one-on-one chats. I don't feel like I can carry a conversation by myself most of the time. At least, not to the imaginary standard I've made after years of talking randomly about various subjects to people, even if they don't reply much themselves. Can I do it? Yes! ...But I don't really like it.
I'm not really trying to single anyone out or make anyone feel bad...but...y'know, it just feels weird when I'm told things like that, that they just find me fascinating to listen to, and then just sit back and want me to go on some long, mostly one-sided discussion, or long sequence of crack. I like conversations. I like batting ideas back and forth with people. Isn't that what talking over things like AIM is for? And now I feel like I've accidentally carried it into my other conversations with the few people who do like back and forth banter, just because y'know, I do what I'm used to, and by now, what I'm used to is having to be the entertaining one in a conversation.
It'd really be nice to get that burden off my feet...but not to give it to someone else, but to, I dunno, to make a silly metaphor, throw it around like a beach ball. I dunno if that worked, but you get the idea.
Besides, if you want to hear me ramble...I've been keeping this journal since 2002. You can find PLENTY of rambles in the archives.