(no subject)
Sometimes I stand there and wonder what I actually mean to him.
He tells me I'm the only girl who actually seems to care about him, but does he care about me?
I know, KNOW that I'm going to look back on all of this and realize that he and I would never work out, that he didn't really mean anything to me, and I meant even less to him, but for now it feels so real.
He cries all the time.
Can't he see enough through those tears to realize that I wouldn't make him cry? Can't I see enough to realize he will make me cry?
Standard teenage angst, I suppose, but if feels like so much more.
I miss my adam every day.
He holds me and all I can think about it the inevitable time when he won't hold me. He cries and I know that it's not my fault, but I feel that if I could be better, be more to him, than he wouldn't have to cry.
I want to be perfect for him..
I want to be exactly what he wants.
I need to have that power of perfect.
I haven't feel like this since adam.
He's not perfect for me, so I need to be perfect for him.
I am both jealous and afraid of healthy relationships.
What must it feel like to just be able to exist with someone?
To not worry that in a couple minutes he won't be holding you, but another girl.
To not think about being what he wants instead of what you need.
To not envision the future as a broken heart.
I walked into this wanting a senior year fling. I was not, by any means, supposed to fall for him.
He's not right for me, and I'm trying too hard to make me right for him.
Why is the one who is right for me not ready? Why am I not ready?
Maybe this is it.
Maybe I will spend the rest of my life with a guy who loves to hold me, but can't talk to me.
Maybe this is as good as it gets.
He tells me I'm the only girl who actually seems to care about him, but does he care about me?
I know, KNOW that I'm going to look back on all of this and realize that he and I would never work out, that he didn't really mean anything to me, and I meant even less to him, but for now it feels so real.
He cries all the time.
Can't he see enough through those tears to realize that I wouldn't make him cry? Can't I see enough to realize he will make me cry?
Standard teenage angst, I suppose, but if feels like so much more.
I miss my adam every day.
He holds me and all I can think about it the inevitable time when he won't hold me. He cries and I know that it's not my fault, but I feel that if I could be better, be more to him, than he wouldn't have to cry.
I want to be perfect for him..
I want to be exactly what he wants.
I need to have that power of perfect.
I haven't feel like this since adam.
He's not perfect for me, so I need to be perfect for him.
I am both jealous and afraid of healthy relationships.
What must it feel like to just be able to exist with someone?
To not worry that in a couple minutes he won't be holding you, but another girl.
To not think about being what he wants instead of what you need.
To not envision the future as a broken heart.
I walked into this wanting a senior year fling. I was not, by any means, supposed to fall for him.
He's not right for me, and I'm trying too hard to make me right for him.
Why is the one who is right for me not ready? Why am I not ready?
Maybe this is it.
Maybe I will spend the rest of my life with a guy who loves to hold me, but can't talk to me.
Maybe this is as good as it gets.