Realization
You wear your facade like your favorite jeans.
The lines blur between what you’re fighting for and why you’re fighting for it.
That when you close your eyes you know you’re afraid.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
That moment when you realize that it’s your choice to go balls to the wall to save yourself. When you realize that at the end of the day you’re the one that’s left. And you’ve just realized that there’s not much left of you. There’s almost nothing left of you. There’s a shell of a woman who used to love. Who used to live. Who used to fight.
This is not the fault of another person. It is the fault of a monster. It is the fault of a disease. It is the fault of a cancer that you cannot get rid of. It is the fault of dreams being crushed like shells to sand.
That moment when you realize that if you’re going to win you have to fight. Only this time you have to fight alone. In a one bedroom apartment that you can barely afford. Or with a roommate at best.
"Can't take the kid from the fight...
Take the fight from the kid.
Sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again"
Not again. Never again. I will win this time.
If I don't win the war against myself I won't exist.
Pick your battles to win the war, kid.
Pick your battles.
Win the war.
Unfortunately, this is a war against myself. A rage solely contained by the confines of the mind. Mind over matter? Not really.
I still love you. I'm in love with you. I'll always love you.
I never meant for this to happen. But he meant for this to happen to me.. in fact he meant to kill me. He meant for me to be dead and now we both bear the consequences.
Betrayed by someone I loved, betrayed by my body, betrayed by most things fathomable, I know now what I must do.
Because he hurt me, I have to hurt you. And for that I am so sorry.
I need to fill the shell of the woman I once was; put the fire back in her eyes. Right now we're only seeing smoke and waiting for the fire.
I must go.
"Your eyes must do some raining if you're ever going to grow."
The lines blur between what you’re fighting for and why you’re fighting for it.
That when you close your eyes you know you’re afraid.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
That moment when you realize that it’s your choice to go balls to the wall to save yourself. When you realize that at the end of the day you’re the one that’s left. And you’ve just realized that there’s not much left of you. There’s almost nothing left of you. There’s a shell of a woman who used to love. Who used to live. Who used to fight.
This is not the fault of another person. It is the fault of a monster. It is the fault of a disease. It is the fault of a cancer that you cannot get rid of. It is the fault of dreams being crushed like shells to sand.
That moment when you realize that if you’re going to win you have to fight. Only this time you have to fight alone. In a one bedroom apartment that you can barely afford. Or with a roommate at best.
"Can't take the kid from the fight...
Take the fight from the kid.
Sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again"
Not again. Never again. I will win this time.
If I don't win the war against myself I won't exist.
Pick your battles to win the war, kid.
Pick your battles.
Win the war.
Unfortunately, this is a war against myself. A rage solely contained by the confines of the mind. Mind over matter? Not really.
I still love you. I'm in love with you. I'll always love you.
I never meant for this to happen. But he meant for this to happen to me.. in fact he meant to kill me. He meant for me to be dead and now we both bear the consequences.
Betrayed by someone I loved, betrayed by my body, betrayed by most things fathomable, I know now what I must do.
Because he hurt me, I have to hurt you. And for that I am so sorry.
I need to fill the shell of the woman I once was; put the fire back in her eyes. Right now we're only seeing smoke and waiting for the fire.
I must go.
"Your eyes must do some raining if you're ever going to grow."