The first. Our first.

[julia_love_much]

Sometimes even the simplest of things can do the most harm.
These things are hard to hide.
And as quickly as you tell that first lie to hide what you've done,
you're trapped in the middle of a second lie just to maintain the first.

That loop is what has ruined me.
I allowed myself to run that loop, time after time.
Relationship after relationship.
Situation after situation.

With every lie I lose a piece of my soul.
Now the hard part is looking in the mirror and trying to figure out who the hell is staring back at me.

This time I've surely outdone myself.
I've made waves of damage.
Damage I fear cannot be reversed.
This changes everything.

I destroy.
I scorch.
I ruin.

I knew everything would change when I became unfaithful.
I understood that our relationship could (and very well might) end.
If that's the case, its on me.
Because of my greed.
This time the blood is on my hands.

I never anticipated to see the despair and rage behind your gaze.
To see the pain strike your belly and course through your veins.
I didn't plan on having a pulse when the truth came to light.

You called me on the bullshit.
You ensnared me in my lies.
My stomach began to churn.

I felt the bile rise and inch it's way towards my throat.
I destroyed your faith in me.
I slaughtered your trust.

You said that you didn't imagine me in the arms of another.
You didn't let the rage settle deep into the marrow of your bones.
You didn't let your temper run rampant.

Your voice cracked as you confessed that the first thing to cross your mind was the first time we made love.

As those words creeped off of your tongue my heart skipped a beat; my blood ran cold.

I stared blankly at the wall and could only think of one sentence:
"What have I done?"

That was when the floodgates burst and the memories filled my mind.

The first time we made love was so beautiful.
Not the first time we had sex, no.
But the first time we made love.

It was perfect.
It was clean.
It was holy.

We shared the most intimate of moments.
The darkest corners of our minds.
We truly let each other in.
Sweetly broken.
Wholly surrendered.

From the moment you laid eyes upon me that night your eyes glowed with the warmth of love.
You did not gaze at me hungrily or lustfully.
You didn't tell me that I was sexy.
You seemed to have lost your voice.
After a moment you rested your hands upon my hips;
and you quietly told me that I was beautiful.

You brought me into your arms for the warmest embrace and the softest of kisses upon my forehead.

There were candles,
but only a few.
Just enough so that the warmth of their light danced upon our skin.

The darkness heightened my senses.
Your touch became electric.

We found ourselves beneath the sheets breathlessly proclaiming our love for each other.
Confessing the deepest desires of our souls and flesh.

I have never felt closer to anyone than I felt to you in those moments.

My chest was set ablaze.
Your eyes were not only filled with love, but equally with passion.

We crossed the threshold and became closer than we'd ever been.

Your mouth against my collarbone.
Lips pressed to alabaster skin.
Nerves and neurons firing instantaneously.
Your chest against mine;
our hearts beating in sync with each other.
Rib cages struggling to contain the pounding of our hearts combined.

Fingertips grazing my neck.
My jaw pressed to your cheek.
Our lips always finding each other.

Quiet noises escaping from our throats.
Your fingers tangled into my hair.

We were one.

I wanted to freeze time.

The pinnacle came and went.
We then soon found ourselves wrapped up in the others arms.
Madly in love, and exhausted.
I stayed there with my head on your chest listening to your breath.
Meanwhile you were tracing imaginary figures on my back.

We whispered sweet nothings.
We giggled beneath the blanket.
We each devoted our love to the other.
We promised that our love is forever and always.

I broke that devotion.
I blackened the slate.
I filled my ledger with red.

I betrayed you.
I lied to you.
I intentionally hurt you.

I obliterated our sacred bond.

I attacked our love like a savage.
I went for the jugular.
I fought to kill.

I mutilated our lovemaking.
I tarnished what once was so pure.

I marred your heart.
After I swore no harm would come.
Yet, I dismembered your heart piece by piece with every conceited decision made.

The only thing I truly accomplished was letting a stranger fuck me harder than I hate myself.
And even that was at grave cost.

Still, you think back to the earlier days.
When we made love.

You could be filling my ears with slander and threats.
Rants about the pain I've placed in your chest.
You could confirm how badly I've damaged our relationship.

But you don't.
...that's not who you are.

I very much regret this.
Hurting you.
Betraying you.
Breaking my promises to you.

I will right this,
I swear it on the cosmos.
We will be okay.
I will find a way to soothe your pain, my love.
Someday.
Somehow.
Someway.