The day I learned what "love" meant: revisited.
London.
Watching a movie.
Intensity. Dean Koontz.
Breathing shortens.
Blood thickens.
Pulse runs fast.
Tears well up in unrested eyes.
I would sleep if I could.
Right now the instant coffee and malt liquor make that difficult.
Do I really give a shit?
No.
The day I learned what love meant was the day that my brother saved my life.
On three accounts he's literally, and I really do mean LITERALLY saved my life.
memories flood.
Grass cool and damp beneath bare feet in mid-summer twilight.
Lightning bugs swirled in recycled plastic milk jugs.
Rounding the corner.
Family dog.
I held out my hand as always for the family dog we'd grown up with.
Blackness.
Snarls.
Two paws on my seven year old shoulders.
Snarls.
The sound of skin tearing,
fat cells crunching,
ligaments tearing.
"DWIGHT! JANIE! DWIGHT!
I hear my brother yelling.
He pulls the dog off of me.
Scrapes on the backs of my legs from not wanting to leave him.
Damp washcloths.
Phonecalls.
Mirror.
Mangled face.
Porcelain skin permanently damaged.
Never beautiful again.
Always scarred.
The day I learned what love meant was the day that this happened.
The day that they have to put your ER gurneys in a T formation because you absolutely will not let go of your brother.
The day that you learn that love is doing whatever it takes to protect the one most important to you.
My brother will always be my hero.
I wear the scar that proves it every day.
Words uttered by Dr. Conway:
"that's one lucky little girl"
I'm not lucky.
I just have a big brother who loves me more than one can describe in words.
I love him as much in return.
No one could possibly comprehend the respect and love I have for John.
Flashbacks continue like a movie reel of sounds and smells.
Pulse races.
Hairs stand on end.
Teeth clench.
What I want I cannot have.
I will not give in to this.
I will not let a razor control me anymore.
"Tonight's going to be the last night I'll try to get by. Maybe tonight if it goes just right..."