whim of opportunity
feeling a bit of jealousy today. waking up to a slow laundry day, the world in a blanket of snow, the sun, crisp, pouring through my windows. the feeling that i should already be doing more, telling more, sacrificing more.
this field is so competitive to begin with and then there's the overachiever syndrome. i celebrate my friends' successes, but feel a pang of lost opportunity when i find out who got that coveted internship. i'm not yet fully self-propelled. i'm still seeking mentors, editors, peers that will push me further. i need things to push back against instead of languishing in "free time."
and then there's the path not taken. the people not taken. the view from my own wandering road to the next hill over where people find their own happiness, find new loves, new jobs, new fulfillment that i have no part in. i watch their worlds swell with friends, spouses, children, promotions, advanced degrees and feel my world shrinking down to this damned path, whatever it is, where ever it takes me. it gives me joy, but it's not the only joy i want.
i don't only want to capture other people's emotions, tell their stories, i want to feel some of my own, live a life worth telling someone about.
right now it's a flux between a straight jacket and flying, between the pang of loneliness and the love of the open road.
this field is so competitive to begin with and then there's the overachiever syndrome. i celebrate my friends' successes, but feel a pang of lost opportunity when i find out who got that coveted internship. i'm not yet fully self-propelled. i'm still seeking mentors, editors, peers that will push me further. i need things to push back against instead of languishing in "free time."
and then there's the path not taken. the people not taken. the view from my own wandering road to the next hill over where people find their own happiness, find new loves, new jobs, new fulfillment that i have no part in. i watch their worlds swell with friends, spouses, children, promotions, advanced degrees and feel my world shrinking down to this damned path, whatever it is, where ever it takes me. it gives me joy, but it's not the only joy i want.
i don't only want to capture other people's emotions, tell their stories, i want to feel some of my own, live a life worth telling someone about.
right now it's a flux between a straight jacket and flying, between the pang of loneliness and the love of the open road.