hi friends.
it's been a while. i don't know why i haven't written in this thing for months. let me just start by saying that it's been 8 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days and....derek only has about 6 weeks left!!!!!!!!!! praise jesus.
i found this letter that someone wrote about how it feels to love someone in prison. this basically describes what this time has been for me...besides the phone thing, and the part refering to a husband...but everything else describes it exactly. and it's long, just to warn you.
Today is a bad day. I wish I could say that I've never had one before and once I get through today. I will have no more. But bad days consume my life. I have no escape from them. Some feel like they will never end and today is definitely one of those days.Today is a day when I wonder..When a man asks a woman to wait for him while he's in prison does he realize what an incredible emotional sacrifice it is? Does he realize the pain and the never ending loneliness that attaches itself to her heart and soul? If he really loves her how could he even ask?
Although I have no regrets,nobody could have prepared me for all the bad days that were ahead of me when I said "I do." And yes I walked into my situation willingly. When I made this choice I didn't know what it would mean to consciously hand over the control and happiness of my life..not to my new husband but to an institution. From the day we fell in love, my husband told me I had the power in the relationship. I should take the lead because I was the one who was free. How am I free? What power do I have? I buy my clothes according to what is acceptable for visits. At anytime, I can go anywhere my heart desires,but my heats desire is trapped within that prison compound. So where am I going? I stalk the mailman and wont leave the house until he comes: waiting for a white envelope with that familiar handwriting that has taken the place of hugs and kisses I check the phone several times a day to make sure its working. waiting to hear it ring and see :UNAVAILABLE on the caller ID a sight that has taken the place of the sound of my doorbell or his car horn. I set my watch to the clocks in the prison. I schedule my bedtime around "Count"- no i don't have any power. The phone company has the power. The mailman has the power. Father time has the power. The prison and the guards, they have all the power. Today I feel helpless and out of control. Yes, today is surely a bad day.
Today like most bad days I pass I see a little bit of my life that has slipped away; another memory not made, another dream that doesn't come true. One more day my family separated. One more day, I;m without a real home. I am so often standing on the line between sanity and insanity. I have to keep telling myself :He's real, this is real, our love is real. The end will come" Yes today is truly a bad day. Today I went on a visit. I live for our visits, but today's was bittersweet. I rushed to be the first one there so i can find a seat far away from the watchful eyes of the guards. Before he even came out I began to prepare for our inevitable goodbye. I couldn't help bu watch the clock praying for time to stop. It's funny, when I am with him time goes too quickly and when I'm not it doesn't go fast enough. Saying goodbye was and is always agonizing. I have to fight off the tears. Through this whole ordeal I haven't really cried yet. I am afraid too. I know if I start that i wont stop.
I have to fight off the urge to beg him to come with me."Please follow me. Come Home. If you really loved me, you would find a way." Today I blame him for keeping us apart. Today I am so very angry with him. Yes, today is definitely a bad day. A good day can turn bad in the blink of an eye, a tick of the clock or a beat of my heart I am on an emotional roller coaster that changes its course without wanting or consideration for my mental state. It never asks my permission. Attacks of depression, despair, confusion and frustration hit me and consume me from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head and every corner and crevice of my body in between. Some bad days I just want to curl up in bed and sleep. Sleep the years away. Some bad days I cant sleep or even eat. Sometimes I even have to make my heart beat and my lungs take in oxygen. Suicide is never a thought but dying of lonliness is always a possibility.
Then there are the endless questions. The questions of others. The questions in my heart. Questions that haunt my every waking moment and all my dreams. All without answers. Have you lost your mind? What can this man offer you? When is he coming home? How realistic is this relationship? Aren't you ashamed of him and his situation? How do other women do this time? How am I going to make it financially? How is he going to be when he gets home? Will he end up back in jail? What am I going to do when I need to be held? Will I be the same person he fell in love with? Will he change his mind about us? Will the end ever come? Today I have no answers that make sense to me for any of these valid questions.
My mind is cluttered with doubts and confusion and this makes my heart heavy with guilt and shame. How could I question the one real joy I have in my life? There are so many people who are lonely, everyday without love and passion in their lives, so as difficult as this whole ordeal is, I know that what he and I share is the most precious of all gifts. But today I cant remember all the unconditional love, support, and non-judgement that may man has bestowed upon me. Today I cant remember that my man is the only one who truly understands and accepts me me. the good and the bad. Today I cant remember all the desire and passion that my man has brought out of me. Today I cant remember that just the sound of his voice can drive me crazy. Today I cant remember that he plays no games tells no lies and wears our love like a badge of honor.
Today is obviously a bad day. No, today is positively,absolutely a bad f*ckin' day. While I wouldn't change one second, erase one tear or forget one heartache, I can truly understand why any woman would choose not to wait. The reality is that I am in prison too..I am also doing this time and the only thing I am guilty of is loving my man. For everyone of us that stands by our man, that can endure the bad days and savor the good. there are hundreds that cant. Hundreds that just don't even try. To the men whose women have chosen to move on ou must always remember that there are always two sides to every story. Your women might not always tell you whats in their hearts but if you listen hard enough you will hear it. You can hear their confusion and their fear pleading with you to understand,to forgive,to accept,and to remember...
Not every woman is strong enough to endure the heartache and pain of bad days.
i found this letter that someone wrote about how it feels to love someone in prison. this basically describes what this time has been for me...besides the phone thing, and the part refering to a husband...but everything else describes it exactly. and it's long, just to warn you.
Today is a bad day. I wish I could say that I've never had one before and once I get through today. I will have no more. But bad days consume my life. I have no escape from them. Some feel like they will never end and today is definitely one of those days.Today is a day when I wonder..When a man asks a woman to wait for him while he's in prison does he realize what an incredible emotional sacrifice it is? Does he realize the pain and the never ending loneliness that attaches itself to her heart and soul? If he really loves her how could he even ask?
Although I have no regrets,nobody could have prepared me for all the bad days that were ahead of me when I said "I do." And yes I walked into my situation willingly. When I made this choice I didn't know what it would mean to consciously hand over the control and happiness of my life..not to my new husband but to an institution. From the day we fell in love, my husband told me I had the power in the relationship. I should take the lead because I was the one who was free. How am I free? What power do I have? I buy my clothes according to what is acceptable for visits. At anytime, I can go anywhere my heart desires,but my heats desire is trapped within that prison compound. So where am I going? I stalk the mailman and wont leave the house until he comes: waiting for a white envelope with that familiar handwriting that has taken the place of hugs and kisses I check the phone several times a day to make sure its working. waiting to hear it ring and see :UNAVAILABLE on the caller ID a sight that has taken the place of the sound of my doorbell or his car horn. I set my watch to the clocks in the prison. I schedule my bedtime around "Count"- no i don't have any power. The phone company has the power. The mailman has the power. Father time has the power. The prison and the guards, they have all the power. Today I feel helpless and out of control. Yes, today is surely a bad day.
Today like most bad days I pass I see a little bit of my life that has slipped away; another memory not made, another dream that doesn't come true. One more day my family separated. One more day, I;m without a real home. I am so often standing on the line between sanity and insanity. I have to keep telling myself :He's real, this is real, our love is real. The end will come" Yes today is truly a bad day. Today I went on a visit. I live for our visits, but today's was bittersweet. I rushed to be the first one there so i can find a seat far away from the watchful eyes of the guards. Before he even came out I began to prepare for our inevitable goodbye. I couldn't help bu watch the clock praying for time to stop. It's funny, when I am with him time goes too quickly and when I'm not it doesn't go fast enough. Saying goodbye was and is always agonizing. I have to fight off the tears. Through this whole ordeal I haven't really cried yet. I am afraid too. I know if I start that i wont stop.
I have to fight off the urge to beg him to come with me."Please follow me. Come Home. If you really loved me, you would find a way." Today I blame him for keeping us apart. Today I am so very angry with him. Yes, today is definitely a bad day. A good day can turn bad in the blink of an eye, a tick of the clock or a beat of my heart I am on an emotional roller coaster that changes its course without wanting or consideration for my mental state. It never asks my permission. Attacks of depression, despair, confusion and frustration hit me and consume me from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head and every corner and crevice of my body in between. Some bad days I just want to curl up in bed and sleep. Sleep the years away. Some bad days I cant sleep or even eat. Sometimes I even have to make my heart beat and my lungs take in oxygen. Suicide is never a thought but dying of lonliness is always a possibility.
Then there are the endless questions. The questions of others. The questions in my heart. Questions that haunt my every waking moment and all my dreams. All without answers. Have you lost your mind? What can this man offer you? When is he coming home? How realistic is this relationship? Aren't you ashamed of him and his situation? How do other women do this time? How am I going to make it financially? How is he going to be when he gets home? Will he end up back in jail? What am I going to do when I need to be held? Will I be the same person he fell in love with? Will he change his mind about us? Will the end ever come? Today I have no answers that make sense to me for any of these valid questions.
My mind is cluttered with doubts and confusion and this makes my heart heavy with guilt and shame. How could I question the one real joy I have in my life? There are so many people who are lonely, everyday without love and passion in their lives, so as difficult as this whole ordeal is, I know that what he and I share is the most precious of all gifts. But today I cant remember all the unconditional love, support, and non-judgement that may man has bestowed upon me. Today I cant remember that my man is the only one who truly understands and accepts me me. the good and the bad. Today I cant remember all the desire and passion that my man has brought out of me. Today I cant remember that just the sound of his voice can drive me crazy. Today I cant remember that he plays no games tells no lies and wears our love like a badge of honor.
Today is obviously a bad day. No, today is positively,absolutely a bad f*ckin' day. While I wouldn't change one second, erase one tear or forget one heartache, I can truly understand why any woman would choose not to wait. The reality is that I am in prison too..I am also doing this time and the only thing I am guilty of is loving my man. For everyone of us that stands by our man, that can endure the bad days and savor the good. there are hundreds that cant. Hundreds that just don't even try. To the men whose women have chosen to move on ou must always remember that there are always two sides to every story. Your women might not always tell you whats in their hearts but if you listen hard enough you will hear it. You can hear their confusion and their fear pleading with you to understand,to forgive,to accept,and to remember...
Not every woman is strong enough to endure the heartache and pain of bad days.