Is this what life is like? (Originally posted in my wordpress blog 6/20)
Frustrated doesn’t even begin to describe how I’m feeling at this point. I’ve been out of school for just about exactly 2 weeks now, and I can’t stand just about everything that real life is throwing at me right now.
Dad is being a complete fuck up and jackass, more than normal if you’ll believe. He took off with money, clothes and dee’s truck the other day. No one knew where he was for days. He turned up in the hospital because his Chron’s was hurting him so bad he called 911. Really? You just holed yourself up in a motel for 4 days and probably almost drank yourself into a coma, and now you’re sorry? When i found out he was in the hospital, I called and bitched at him like i’ve never done before. I was at work. Spent the rest of the day crying and upset because I had never done that before and I haven’t cried over my dad in a long ass time. He fucks up so often that i’ve gotten used to it. I was sick to my stomach and couldn’t concentrate all day. Went home last night, couldn’t sleep. I was up after 1 in the morning, just thinking that as much as i’m pissed at him right now, I’ll get a call that he died at the hospital and the last things we said to each other were words of anger. Kept me up. I’m so lacking concentration it’s not funny.
Other family members are in the hospital, not doing well at all. Uncle Stan. Heart attack. His wife died a year ago in May. Same thing. All this talk of death and hospitals is elevating my anxiety. Been off my anxiety meds since Sunday. Falling asleep during the day at work, seeing if this helps. So far? No. Just feeling like shit.
I fucking hate my job. I disliked it before, but I’m past that point now. Been falling asleep at my desk. Boss sent me an email from out of town with his phone. Picture of me sleeping at work, 2:30pm. Embarassed beyond belief. Doctors appointment, nothing resolved yet. Drinking energy drinks to stay awake. They’re making me jittery and worse feeling all over. Graduation = new job responsibilites. Running the other company located in our tiny office basement now, diabetic supplies. Want to hang myself. Could be the meds talking. It’s supposed to be 9 hrs a week, with the rest of my time devoted to being his assistant. Not so much. It’s been reversed so far. He’s too cheap to hire someone new. I dont know the first thing about medicare and fucking diabetic supplies and billing. I wanted a job to be your assistant. Filing, papers, financial things. Now I’m a fucking diabetic supply salesperson. I can’t stand to be in this place one more second. Work is piling up to the top of my desk. Seriously want to cry as i’m typing this. Someone’s here, I can’t.
I didn’t expect life to be a picnic after school, but maybe a little kindness? Some relief? This of course all could be from my medicine or lackthereof. I don’t think I’ll make it through this day in one piece.
Dad is being a complete fuck up and jackass, more than normal if you’ll believe. He took off with money, clothes and dee’s truck the other day. No one knew where he was for days. He turned up in the hospital because his Chron’s was hurting him so bad he called 911. Really? You just holed yourself up in a motel for 4 days and probably almost drank yourself into a coma, and now you’re sorry? When i found out he was in the hospital, I called and bitched at him like i’ve never done before. I was at work. Spent the rest of the day crying and upset because I had never done that before and I haven’t cried over my dad in a long ass time. He fucks up so often that i’ve gotten used to it. I was sick to my stomach and couldn’t concentrate all day. Went home last night, couldn’t sleep. I was up after 1 in the morning, just thinking that as much as i’m pissed at him right now, I’ll get a call that he died at the hospital and the last things we said to each other were words of anger. Kept me up. I’m so lacking concentration it’s not funny.
Other family members are in the hospital, not doing well at all. Uncle Stan. Heart attack. His wife died a year ago in May. Same thing. All this talk of death and hospitals is elevating my anxiety. Been off my anxiety meds since Sunday. Falling asleep during the day at work, seeing if this helps. So far? No. Just feeling like shit.
I fucking hate my job. I disliked it before, but I’m past that point now. Been falling asleep at my desk. Boss sent me an email from out of town with his phone. Picture of me sleeping at work, 2:30pm. Embarassed beyond belief. Doctors appointment, nothing resolved yet. Drinking energy drinks to stay awake. They’re making me jittery and worse feeling all over. Graduation = new job responsibilites. Running the other company located in our tiny office basement now, diabetic supplies. Want to hang myself. Could be the meds talking. It’s supposed to be 9 hrs a week, with the rest of my time devoted to being his assistant. Not so much. It’s been reversed so far. He’s too cheap to hire someone new. I dont know the first thing about medicare and fucking diabetic supplies and billing. I wanted a job to be your assistant. Filing, papers, financial things. Now I’m a fucking diabetic supply salesperson. I can’t stand to be in this place one more second. Work is piling up to the top of my desk. Seriously want to cry as i’m typing this. Someone’s here, I can’t.
I didn’t expect life to be a picnic after school, but maybe a little kindness? Some relief? This of course all could be from my medicine or lackthereof. I don’t think I’ll make it through this day in one piece.