(no subject)
I realized I haven't updated this thing in literally a month...so I'm not going to try and recap everything cause that's hella boring so I've spared you all...
I've been so busy lately, it was so nice to have last night and Friday night too to just relax with friends. Our conversations last night on Sarah's roof were exactly what I needed. I feel like I even learned more about some of my closest friends. It's times like that I'm going to remember and miss so much when I leave for college. We should have like at least a monthly talk on Sarah's roof and spill our guts session cause it was so therapeutic.
Friday night did make me feel a little awkward and out of place, but I think that stems maybe more from jealously and insecurity than anything that someone did. I realize that I'm just not totally comfortable with myself. I think I mask my insecurities by being loud and pretending to always be happy. It's not like I'm really sad all the time either, but I just always have my insecurities in the back of my mind. And maybe it's something else, but I always use it as my excuse. I know that what I feel uncomfortable with is true and is changeable, but it's so hard. There are so many things I've done that I'm proud of, but it's the few things I feel like I can't change that always come to mind at times like these. Esepcially with the college admissions process- it seems like all my life and all my activities have been put under a microscope. I've never evaluated so specifically how I've spent my last four years and it scares me. I'm scared to death of failure and of not being happy, even though I shouldn't have much to worry about according to others. And that's part of the problem too- I've been told by so many people that I will do well anywhere and shouldn't worry that it makes me worry more. I've always played it safe I think- stayed close to the same people, always had temple to fall back on...what about when that's all changed and gone?
I was sitting at Yom Kippur services last week and was thinking that this was my last high holiday service at Temple Isaiah most likely, at least for the next several years. That scared me. Not knowing where I'm going to be in a year is exciting, but also scary as hell. I have such high ideals and goals for myself that I don't know are attainable, but I want everything to go according to my plan. I'm jealous of people applying to schools they know they can get into and know already that they're into college because I know I'm not going to have that feeling anytime soon. I'm aiming high because I think that's where I'll do best, but the what if's plague my mind all the time. We'll just have to see.
Even though it sounds like things are way too intense...I'm actually enjoying senior year. Friends are good, classes are generally interesting, and being a senior is fun. I just can't wait for second semester and finding out where I'm going. Then maybe I can focus on making myself happier with other things...
<3
I've been so busy lately, it was so nice to have last night and Friday night too to just relax with friends. Our conversations last night on Sarah's roof were exactly what I needed. I feel like I even learned more about some of my closest friends. It's times like that I'm going to remember and miss so much when I leave for college. We should have like at least a monthly talk on Sarah's roof and spill our guts session cause it was so therapeutic.
Friday night did make me feel a little awkward and out of place, but I think that stems maybe more from jealously and insecurity than anything that someone did. I realize that I'm just not totally comfortable with myself. I think I mask my insecurities by being loud and pretending to always be happy. It's not like I'm really sad all the time either, but I just always have my insecurities in the back of my mind. And maybe it's something else, but I always use it as my excuse. I know that what I feel uncomfortable with is true and is changeable, but it's so hard. There are so many things I've done that I'm proud of, but it's the few things I feel like I can't change that always come to mind at times like these. Esepcially with the college admissions process- it seems like all my life and all my activities have been put under a microscope. I've never evaluated so specifically how I've spent my last four years and it scares me. I'm scared to death of failure and of not being happy, even though I shouldn't have much to worry about according to others. And that's part of the problem too- I've been told by so many people that I will do well anywhere and shouldn't worry that it makes me worry more. I've always played it safe I think- stayed close to the same people, always had temple to fall back on...what about when that's all changed and gone?
I was sitting at Yom Kippur services last week and was thinking that this was my last high holiday service at Temple Isaiah most likely, at least for the next several years. That scared me. Not knowing where I'm going to be in a year is exciting, but also scary as hell. I have such high ideals and goals for myself that I don't know are attainable, but I want everything to go according to my plan. I'm jealous of people applying to schools they know they can get into and know already that they're into college because I know I'm not going to have that feeling anytime soon. I'm aiming high because I think that's where I'll do best, but the what if's plague my mind all the time. We'll just have to see.
Even though it sounds like things are way too intense...I'm actually enjoying senior year. Friends are good, classes are generally interesting, and being a senior is fun. I just can't wait for second semester and finding out where I'm going. Then maybe I can focus on making myself happier with other things...
<3