"I'm so far away...."
As I said yesterday. I have lots to write. But the main point I wanted to get across so everyone could know is that Melissa is coming home. On Thursday afternoon. And I get to see her on Friday....
Yesterday school was a drag. It just was awful. I was nervous about going and talking with Brenda and Rita about Tim's funeral and Melissa coming home and everything...
I talked to Mrs. Scott. Told her I wouldn't be taking the AP history test on Friday because I'm going to the funeral. She said that was fine with her, but she'd have to see if I can make up the test or not. She called last night. Funerals not of the immediate family apparently is no excuse to miss the test. So I might not be able to take it. I don't care. I'm not missing Melissa's dad's funeral. Not on my life. However I am thinking of writing a letter to the AP administration or something. Can't re-take the test because you're at a funeral? And not being able to schedule a different day because it's not immediate family? What if my best friend was to die? Best friends are often more family than actual family is. Would they make me not allowed to take the test then? I truly think funerals should be an acception. All funerals. I mean, what if you parents were making you go and you had no choice? Not your fault you missed the test...
*UPDATE* During writing this entry, Mrs. Scott called me. The AP organization is letting me take the AP exam. The woman left Mrs. Scott on hold for about 10 minutes... but they're allowing me to do it. May 20th. 12:00. I'm so glad I can take it...
Anyway.
Jourdan and I walked across the street to Brad and Rita's last night at 7:00. Brenda, Rita, Brad, and Melissa's grandparents were there. They were doing funeral preparations. Jourdan and I kind of waited to talk until they left.
We stayed there until 9:45 just talking. Lots about how Melissa was doing. What we think about this whole situation. What we think about seeing her and everything. We talked about others at school. We talked about how anxious we are to see her, and how much we want to keep pushing her in the right direction. Encourage her. To keep going. Don't let this visit home make her want to stay. Because she's truly not ready. And she's doing so well so far... she must keep going...
Brenda told us about how their trip out to Minnesota was to see Melissa for her 18th birthday. She said it was great. They took Melissa out on an 8-hour pass. Shopped around Minnesota and had a good time. Melissa found a few shirts she wanted to buy from birthday money she had from Rita, but Mac (her stepdad) insisted on paying for them. And then she found a necklace in a Christian bookstore she really wanted. Brenda bought it secretly to surprise her for her graduation in June...
I don't know how many of you actually read Melissa's diary on here when she kept it. Those of you who did probably remember her mentioning how her mom was getting married to Mac. And how much she hated it and how weird she thought Mac was. Since she's been at Teen Challenge, it's all changed. She's calling him Dad now. And she's so happy. She's doing so very well. She takes lots of classes and therapy courses. She's getting through many issues of hers.
Brenda read a letter she had sent home out loud to Rita, Jourdan and I. Written on April 18th. Just recently. It was a thank you letter to her Brenda as part of an assignment. She thanked her for everything. Even reading her journal to make this whole situation erupt, because through that, she realized she needed the help. And she wouldn't be at Teen Challenge if it weren't for that... and then she thanked Brenda for helping me when she first left... for making sure I was alright and for taking care of me... "And mom, thank you for helping Nina..." She mentioned me in her letter. Brenda said that she mentions me and Jourdan sometimes. Asks how we're doing. Asks how we're holding up and if we're alright. She did it everytime she talked to Brenda and Rita at first... but as time has gone on, it's dwindled. Which is truly a good thing. Meaning she isn't constantly worrying about us. I don't want her to have to worry about me. I want her to get better herself...
Gosh, there's so much more that we talked about. And I know I'll remember it all throughout tonight, so there will probably be many updates to this entry....
Friday. Only two days away. Two days until I get to see Melissa for the first time in six months. I'm so scared. I'm so nervous. I'm so anxious. I'm so excited... I'm so... everything. I don't know. I truly don't know.
I got online last night and a few friends asked me how talking with Brenda went. I said it went fine. And I told them Melissa's coming home on Thursday and I'll see her on Friday. They asked me how I was doing. And I told them the truth. I don't know. I honestly, truly, sincerely don't know. I don't know if I'm happy, scared, sad or anything. It's everything, really. A mixture of absolutely everything. Any feeling that exists I think I'm feeling this week...
I want to bring my camera on Friday so I can get pictures of me, Melissa and Jourdan afterwards when we're at the lunch thing... but honestly. What person brings a camera to a funeral!? I can't do that. Unless I pull the two of them aside, maybe outside or something. And do it then... I just don't know.
I miss her so much.
Two more days.
I've been changing but you'll never see me now
I've been changing but you'll never see me now
Now I'm blaming you for eveything
No more holding it in, how many years can I pretend
And nothing ever goes the way it should
No more sitting in this place, hoping you might see it my way
Cause I don't think you ever understood that what I'm looking for are the answers
To why these questions never go away
I'm so far away
I've been changing but you'll never see me now
I'm so far away
Now I'm blaming you for everything
No more waiting for the end of everyday that I will spend
Wishing that I only had a choice
No more pushing it away cause I'll be busy watching things go my way
Never looking back on this anymore
Cause what I'm looking for are the answers to why these questions never go away
I'm so far away
I've been changing but you'll never see me now
I'm so far away
Now I'm blaming you for everything
I've been changing but you'll never see me now
Now I'm blaming you for everything
I'm so far away
Hey, hey, watch me wave goodbye to yesterday, nothing left in my way
Hey, hey, I've been saved with sun shining on my pain getting me through this day
Hey, hey, watch me wave goodbye to yesterday nothing left in my way
Feels so good say
I'm so far away
I've been changin' but you'll never see me now
I'm so far away
Now I'm blaming you
I'm so far away
~ Crossfade; So Far Away
Two days...
.: Julie :.