Simply Waiting
The phone has rang three times today.
Ring number one. Jeremy's friend Isaac.
Ring number two. Megan.
Ring number three. Kyle asking if I was still going to the movie.
Today has been a numb day.
I'm still waiting for someone to call.
I called Brenda at home. No answer. I called Aunt Rita. No answer. I called Jourdan. No answer. I called Brenda's cell last night. No answer. I left messages each place I called. I just need some answers here... I want to know that Melissa is okay... I mean, of course she's not fucking okay. He dad died. I'm just so worried about her... I'm so terrified that this will put her on a downward spiral... and she's been doing so well....
She has refound her faith. That's what Brenda told me last time I talked to her. I can only hope that it's enough to keep her strong. I hope it's enough for Melissa to lean on for help and support and comfort... I hope it's enough to keep her on the path she's been working so hard to follow....
Each time that phone rang today, my heart would pound. And each time I looked at the caller ID, I thought I would cry. When Megan called, I looked at the caller ID so long and so hard I truly forgot what to do to answer the phone.
I went down to Roast & Toast today to tell Andrew. Jordan was there. It hurt so much to see his blonde hair... that I dyed for him last night before things fell apart... I told him. Andrew was shocked. He truly was. He asked a few questions... the usual how, when, where, and such... I told him Melissa might be coming home for the funeral... I told him I would call him if I found anything out...
After I went upstairs for bed last night, I got sick. Very sick. I couldn't hold it in. And I've had that feeling in the pit of my stomach since then. You know that feeling. The indescribable one. The one that there is no name for.
I choked down a muffin and some banana bread today. But that's it. Figured it would be better if I had something to throw up just in case I got sick again... instead of dry heaving... it would've hurt....
They convinced me to go to the movies with them tonight. To see The Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy. Would've been a good movie. Probably was a good movie. But I don't remember it. Not at all. My mind was elsewhere. I had Andrew and Megan to my left. Laughing. Having fun. And then there was Dan and Kyle on my right. Laughing. Talking about the movie. And there I sat. In the middle of it all. Surrounded by a shell that no one even tried to penetrate. Not once. I was talked to for a few minutes before the movie by Megan. And then I suppose I disappeared.... kept my mom's cell phone, set on vibrate, in my hands just in case someone called, so I could rush home. No one talked to me. Looked at me. Nothing. I felt so very invisible. Like I wasn't even there. Even afterwards.
Dannon was outside waiting for Andrew when the movie was over. They were going bowling. Asked if we wanted to come. I said no because a). I felt terrible enough without having to sit through two games or more of everyone have a fucking good time and b). I can't drive past 12:00. So what happens? Andrew gives me a hug. Dan does. Kyle barely touches me. Megan does. I get into my mom's car.
And I drive away.
Just so happens I followed Megan, who followed Dannon, up until 7-Eleven. The song "Simply Red" by Chevelle came on. I screamed. I screamed almost the whole way home. Cried. Just hit the steering wheel....
And now I'm here. Simply waiting.
I feel so alone right now. My mom keeps checking on me to see if I'm okay... but I'm not. Do I have a reason to be this upset? Am I really making a big deal over nothing? That's how just about all of my friends, except for you amazing people, are acting... like it's nothing...
I hate everyone. I hate them so much right now. And they haven't even done anything wrong.
Tim's funeral is on Friday. At 1:00. During my AP history exam. I don't care though. I'm going. I'm going to talk to Mrs. Scott and see if I can reschedule my exam. If not, well... then I guess I'm not taking the damn exam. She almost made me miss saying goodbye to Melissa... she made me take my AP art history test instead... risked me not saying goodbye to Melissa... I'm not going to let her fuck things over again.
I just want to hear from someone... I just want to know if my Melissa is okay... I just want to know if my best friend is alright....
Numb and simply waiting,
.: Julie :.