Noise and Kisses
1/15/06 - 12:46 a.m.
I'm hurting so much right now. I'm just going to go out and say it. I'm. Hurting. Terribly.
I'm trying. Really, I am. I shrug it off. I act like it's no big deal. And it really isn't big deal, but at the same time, it is a big deal.
I was reading a new book I got tonight. It's about this girl who loses her best friend to cancer. This one part made me tear up. And then tears came faster. Then I was crying. Moments later, I was sobbing. That was only minutes ago. My eyes hurt. THey're red and stinging. Probably puffy too.
I couldn't stop crying. Every time I picked up the book to keep reading, I cried harder. I had to put it down because the words were all blurring together.
There is a pang in my heart. A void. And it really hurts. I feel so alone, even though I have tons of friends. A ton of friends I can't talk to. Every time I open my mouth when I'm with one of them to say, "I really need to talk to you" or "I need someone to listen to me" or "I'm having trouble with this right now", I render myself mute. I can't say it. There's no one on that comfort level for me. I shut my mouth and go back to what I was doing. I'm afraid that if I break and spill my heart to someone, they won't even give a damn in the first place.
It's like a kick in the stomach when people approach me about it.
"So, I heard Melissa's home."
"Yeah."
"Well, have you hung out with her?"
"No."
"Have you talked to her?"
"No."
"Oh... I didn't know. I'm so sorry."
And then seeing her driving. I brushed it off my shoulder to everyone else. Pretended it didn't matter. But inside, I cried. It was also a kick in the stomach. That she was home and didn't call. Even just to say hi and that she's doing well. It felt like I wasn't worthy enough to be spoken to. That instead of me being the one to try and help her with her drinking and smoking, I encouraged it. I know. It's not true. I know it's because she's moved on and gotten better and is doing so much better and doesn't want to risk being pulled back into a self-destructive mode. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.
There's no one to share those inside jokes with me.
There's no one I call at 11:00 at night to cry to about something that happened between me and my family.
There's no one to get iced coffees with.
There's no one who will go for walks with me on the breakwall and not have to ask me what's wrong, because they already know.
There's no one to borrow my clothes and for me to borrow from.
There's no one who calls my parents Mom and Dad because they practically live here.
There's no one to leave me messages on my phone just to tell me that work is boring and they can't wait to get off.
There's no one to call me Jules, or Cookie, or Julie, or Neens to my face.
When I reach out to grab someone when I'm scared and I think I'm falling, there's no one there.
It's just me now.
And it's something I have to get used to.
It's a process that I'm struggling through.
Don't tell me to move on. I'm trying my hardest.
Don't tell me to get over it. It's harder than it seems.
You don't have to remind me that I'm not alone and it will get better.
I know. I didn't forget.
But it doesn't make it any less painful.
I'm feeling a lot better than I did last night.
It was just weird.
That book triggered it. Once I started crying, I couldn't stop.
I don't remember the last time I cried that hard... I think it was at the Halloween dance... Way back at the end of October... I think. I don't know.
I just couldn't stop.
I know it's better that I don't have someone like that anymore. Because I was getting way to dependable. And it was killing us both.
But it's hard to go through things like that.
I'm just sick of being the one left behind. That's why it will be great to get out of here and off to college. Meet a bunch of new people. Really begin to figure things out and get everything on track.
All things happen for a reason, right?
Well, I'm still trying to find the reason for this one.
I'll figure it out someday.
In the mean time, I just have to keep pushing my way on through.