I'm a fake....
Yeah, so. It's been awhile. Each night I come home hoping to write, but being too damn exhausted to even turn on the computer. Or maybe I'm just lazy.... Last Wednesday was when I wrote. I don't really even remember much since then. Well, select things.
Megan and Josh are together now. No, not Josh Josh. But Art Boy Josh. That Josh. They're adorable together. So adorable it makes me feel lonely and so very out of the loop.... and wishing I had someone.
Andrew hates Megan. Megan doesn't hate Andrew. I've been hanging out with both of them separately. It's hard.
Randy likes me. Left me a message on my cell phone asking why we're not together yet. I hate awkward things like that. They're so hard and, well, awkward.... I don't want to hurt anyone. But I like Josh too much. God damnit.
Work has been alright. I'm sick of working with Nick. He's always hitting on me, which is just disgusting. I went back into the kitchen after I bussed my last table on Saturday night and asked him and Aris if they wanted any help, and Nick said, "No, you can just go back to doing what you do best. Stand there and look pretty." Ugh. Yuck. That's the one problem with working with all guys. I never ever know quite what they're saying. Except for Caleb. Dear, dear Caleb. I think I'd kill some of those guys if he wasn't there to keep me sane. Honestly. He jokes around with me and everything. Splashes me with water. Throws spinach stems at me. Teases me for being short. And now he knows about me. I mean, he knows about me. He knows Kyle. I told him I used to go out with Kyle. He asked what happened. I told him. Kind of. Mentioned the fact that I "went somewhere", which started our downfall. He asked me where. I hesitated. He said I could tell him. I told him it was bad. He asked how bad. I said real bad. He said it wouldn't affect how he thinks of me. I told him. "I went to the hospital downstate for my eating disorder and self-mutilation." And that was that. That was the beginning. I've been talking to him quite a bit about it when we work together. He asks me questions. I answer. He told me I must have really hated myself. "Hated?" I asked him..... How about hate.... Then he asked me today what exactly I don't like about myself. I told him I screw up a lot. I do a lot of things wrong. And I'm plain. This was where he interrupted. "Plain!?" He asked me. Yes, I told him, plain. He put down the potato he was peeling. "Plain!? How in the world can you think you're plain? Look at you!" I raised my eyebrows at him. He went on. "You're not plain. Just look at you. You have different color hair, you wear a bunch of those bracelet things and neat clothes and those awesome earrings you always have. You're definitely not plain." "Well, compared to all of my friends I'm plain. They're all incredible looking." He looked at me, "Yeah... but if they're all incredible, and you're the plain one, they're all the same, and you're the one who stands out, therefore making you not plain." This time he raised his eyebrows at me and nodded. I smiled and just sort of laughed at him. We went back to peeling potatoes with no further talk on what I don't like about myself.
I got off work around 4:00 today. Caleb did too.
I haven't seen Josh in the longest time. Did I mention I called him? Yeah, that's right. On Friday. I did. He was there, too. He was about to go to work though. Sounded really tired. I gave him my cell phone number and told him to call me and we'd hang out sometime. He said definitely. And that's most likely the last time I will talk to him until I just so happen to pass him on the sidewalk downtown or something....
It has finally cooled down outside. Sure, it's 11:51 at night, therefore making it cooler because there is no sun, but still. It's about 62 degrees out. It feels wonderful. It's been in the high 80's here for a week or so now. Crazy.
Like I was saying, it's finally cooled down. It's breezy out. The computer is right next to the open window, so I can feel it each time there is a cool breeze. It honestly feels heavenly. And it smells really good, too. You know that smell. The cool-summer-night-by-the-lake smell. It's beautiful.
Speaking of beautiful, Megan and I went for a moonlit walk on the beach on Thursday night when I was up in Cross Village spending the night at the cabin with the Bransons. It was so pretty. It was cooler out and the water was incredibly warm. There wasn't much to do, so we decided to go for a walk when it got dark. The sky was clear and scattered with thousands of stars, it seemed. We walked about two miles in one direction along the shore and then two miles back. Then we just sat in the sand and watched the stars, talking. I saw two shooting stars. One of them was so bright and so clear... so amazing. Indescribable. It truly was. I love walks like that. I usually take them alone, so it was nice to have Megan to talk to.
We watched Girl, Interrupted after we got back. One of my new favorite movies. Angela Bettis, who plays the girl suffering from anorexia? Intense... The whole movie was. It was amazing. I related completely... "I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in, but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside...."
I went to the doctor's on Friday. I didn't get weighed. The nurse walked me right on past the scale. I was honestly in shock. I truly thought they were going to weigh me. I almost asked for her to... but then I thought twice. As much as I want to know how immense I am, I really don't... I want to keep on dieting for the next three months until my next doctor's appointment comes up. I'll be back in school. Have been dancing for awhile by then. Continued on my dieting... which has been going fairly well. Kind of. Maybe. Not really. My consummation has consisted of toast with some peanut butter and jelly, some macaroni and cheese, strawberries and salad over the past week or so. Not very much to eat at all. And I've been working lots. Busing, mostly. Tons of walking around. In very hot weather. Much has been burned off... hopefully. But I really shouldn't assume, because, you know, it makes an ass out of u and me....
I think I'm going to the beach with Megan tomorrow. In Harbor. Oh yippee, sweet Bathing Suit Bliss for Nina.... *Sigh*
The Bransons leave on Wednesday. I have to say goodbye to them tomorrow. I just can't believe it. They're going to Brazil for four years. Sure, I'll e-mail them, but will I ever see them again?
I wish I had someone. Someone to love. Someone to love me. I want to think I'm pretty. I want to think I'm interesting and not plain. I try. Really, I do. I try so hard. But every time someone leaves... every time I'm stuck alone... I wonder why... and my thoughts always lead back to those things being the reason I'm left there in a solitary style...
I'm tired.
Maybe it's time for me to go to bed.
"Small, simple, safe price. Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets. This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals. And I am not afraid do die. I am not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight. I want the pain of payment. What's left, but a section of pygmy size cuts, much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks. Would you be my little cut? Would you be my thousand fucks? And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid? To fill, and spill over and under my thoughts. My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter. I'm cutting, trying to picture your black broken heart. Love is not like anything. Especially a fucking knife."
"Do you think that it's me, or is it not me? Just look at me, look at me now. I'm a fake."
.: Julie :.
Megan and Josh are together now. No, not Josh Josh. But Art Boy Josh. That Josh. They're adorable together. So adorable it makes me feel lonely and so very out of the loop.... and wishing I had someone.
Andrew hates Megan. Megan doesn't hate Andrew. I've been hanging out with both of them separately. It's hard.
Randy likes me. Left me a message on my cell phone asking why we're not together yet. I hate awkward things like that. They're so hard and, well, awkward.... I don't want to hurt anyone. But I like Josh too much. God damnit.
Work has been alright. I'm sick of working with Nick. He's always hitting on me, which is just disgusting. I went back into the kitchen after I bussed my last table on Saturday night and asked him and Aris if they wanted any help, and Nick said, "No, you can just go back to doing what you do best. Stand there and look pretty." Ugh. Yuck. That's the one problem with working with all guys. I never ever know quite what they're saying. Except for Caleb. Dear, dear Caleb. I think I'd kill some of those guys if he wasn't there to keep me sane. Honestly. He jokes around with me and everything. Splashes me with water. Throws spinach stems at me. Teases me for being short. And now he knows about me. I mean, he knows about me. He knows Kyle. I told him I used to go out with Kyle. He asked what happened. I told him. Kind of. Mentioned the fact that I "went somewhere", which started our downfall. He asked me where. I hesitated. He said I could tell him. I told him it was bad. He asked how bad. I said real bad. He said it wouldn't affect how he thinks of me. I told him. "I went to the hospital downstate for my eating disorder and self-mutilation." And that was that. That was the beginning. I've been talking to him quite a bit about it when we work together. He asks me questions. I answer. He told me I must have really hated myself. "Hated?" I asked him..... How about hate.... Then he asked me today what exactly I don't like about myself. I told him I screw up a lot. I do a lot of things wrong. And I'm plain. This was where he interrupted. "Plain!?" He asked me. Yes, I told him, plain. He put down the potato he was peeling. "Plain!? How in the world can you think you're plain? Look at you!" I raised my eyebrows at him. He went on. "You're not plain. Just look at you. You have different color hair, you wear a bunch of those bracelet things and neat clothes and those awesome earrings you always have. You're definitely not plain." "Well, compared to all of my friends I'm plain. They're all incredible looking." He looked at me, "Yeah... but if they're all incredible, and you're the plain one, they're all the same, and you're the one who stands out, therefore making you not plain." This time he raised his eyebrows at me and nodded. I smiled and just sort of laughed at him. We went back to peeling potatoes with no further talk on what I don't like about myself.
I got off work around 4:00 today. Caleb did too.
I haven't seen Josh in the longest time. Did I mention I called him? Yeah, that's right. On Friday. I did. He was there, too. He was about to go to work though. Sounded really tired. I gave him my cell phone number and told him to call me and we'd hang out sometime. He said definitely. And that's most likely the last time I will talk to him until I just so happen to pass him on the sidewalk downtown or something....
It has finally cooled down outside. Sure, it's 11:51 at night, therefore making it cooler because there is no sun, but still. It's about 62 degrees out. It feels wonderful. It's been in the high 80's here for a week or so now. Crazy.
Like I was saying, it's finally cooled down. It's breezy out. The computer is right next to the open window, so I can feel it each time there is a cool breeze. It honestly feels heavenly. And it smells really good, too. You know that smell. The cool-summer-night-by-the-lake smell. It's beautiful.
Speaking of beautiful, Megan and I went for a moonlit walk on the beach on Thursday night when I was up in Cross Village spending the night at the cabin with the Bransons. It was so pretty. It was cooler out and the water was incredibly warm. There wasn't much to do, so we decided to go for a walk when it got dark. The sky was clear and scattered with thousands of stars, it seemed. We walked about two miles in one direction along the shore and then two miles back. Then we just sat in the sand and watched the stars, talking. I saw two shooting stars. One of them was so bright and so clear... so amazing. Indescribable. It truly was. I love walks like that. I usually take them alone, so it was nice to have Megan to talk to.
We watched Girl, Interrupted after we got back. One of my new favorite movies. Angela Bettis, who plays the girl suffering from anorexia? Intense... The whole movie was. It was amazing. I related completely... "I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in, but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try and kill the thing on the inside...."
I went to the doctor's on Friday. I didn't get weighed. The nurse walked me right on past the scale. I was honestly in shock. I truly thought they were going to weigh me. I almost asked for her to... but then I thought twice. As much as I want to know how immense I am, I really don't... I want to keep on dieting for the next three months until my next doctor's appointment comes up. I'll be back in school. Have been dancing for awhile by then. Continued on my dieting... which has been going fairly well. Kind of. Maybe. Not really. My consummation has consisted of toast with some peanut butter and jelly, some macaroni and cheese, strawberries and salad over the past week or so. Not very much to eat at all. And I've been working lots. Busing, mostly. Tons of walking around. In very hot weather. Much has been burned off... hopefully. But I really shouldn't assume, because, you know, it makes an ass out of u and me....
I think I'm going to the beach with Megan tomorrow. In Harbor. Oh yippee, sweet Bathing Suit Bliss for Nina.... *Sigh*
The Bransons leave on Wednesday. I have to say goodbye to them tomorrow. I just can't believe it. They're going to Brazil for four years. Sure, I'll e-mail them, but will I ever see them again?
I wish I had someone. Someone to love. Someone to love me. I want to think I'm pretty. I want to think I'm interesting and not plain. I try. Really, I do. I try so hard. But every time someone leaves... every time I'm stuck alone... I wonder why... and my thoughts always lead back to those things being the reason I'm left there in a solitary style...
I'm tired.
Maybe it's time for me to go to bed.
"Small, simple, safe price. Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets. This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals. And I am not afraid do die. I am not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight. I want the pain of payment. What's left, but a section of pygmy size cuts, much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks. Would you be my little cut? Would you be my thousand fucks? And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid? To fill, and spill over and under my thoughts. My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter. I'm cutting, trying to picture your black broken heart. Love is not like anything. Especially a fucking knife."
"Do you think that it's me, or is it not me? Just look at me, look at me now. I'm a fake."
.: Julie :.