Summer's Edge
Today was downright rotten.
Let me explain.
I went to work today at 5:00. Turned out I was the only busser on tonight.
I got my tips from last night. Made $58. Nice.
We had a table of twelve tonight.
The table of six was the last fucking table to leave.
I spilled a water glass on me.
I got out of work at 10:30-ish instead of 9:00-9:30 like I was supposed to.
I missed most of the fireworks. I ended up watching them alone at the top of the bluff in Harbor Springs, surrounded by many groups of friends and families all saying the trivial, "oooh" and "ahhhh". There were a bunch of shit-head trees in the way. Could barely see the fireworks as it was.
Waited for Megan at my car. We went back to her place to get her car.
We started driving back to my house. Lost Megan on the way there. Found out it was because she had a problem with her car, which was fixed soon after by Shaun and Will. And I know everyone wants to know the best fucking part of my night. Oh believe me, it's classic.
I narrowly missed being in a horrible car accident. Being the cause of the horrible car accident as well. I was driving up the hill on Division Rd. when I got extremely dizzy. You know, the kind of dizzy where you just have to shut your eyes for a moment to let it pass? Well, since I was driving, that wasn't possible. So I was fucking dizzy for a few moments. And in those few moments, my car swerved into the other lane. Into oncoming traffic. I swerved back over into my lane just before a car hit me head on. God, I was shaking so hard. I couldn't believe it. I pulled over into the parking lot at the pet store/bike place at the light. To make sure I was okay and able to finish my drive up the street home. Also to allow my hands to stop fucking shaking so badly. It was terrible. It's horribly disturbing even when I think of it now. I keep seeing those headlights coming towards me. I'm a very lucky person. If I hadn't have swerved back over, it would've been very bad.
I stayed at the parking lot for a few minutes. I wanted to make sure I was alright enough to drive up the street home. I couldn't believe how dizzy I got. But as I was backing up to get back onto the road, I see this guy come running at me. This big huge muscley guy in a wife-beater tank top. He told me to get out of my car and he'd drive me home. I just kind of looked at him funny. He told me again, get out of my car and he'd drive me home. I told him I was fine. He told me I shouldn't be driving drunk. That's when I started to cry. I told him I wasn't drunk. I don't fucking drink at all. He told me over and over to get out of my car so he could drive me home. More tears spilled out of my stupid eyes. Finally I just got out of my car. Walked over to the passenger side. That was only after his wife pulled up in her car to follow us. I don't know why I did it. It was a horribly stupid thing to do. But at that moment, I didn't fucking care. I didn't care that I could've been raped, or killed, or kidnapped. I just wanted to go to sleep forever. So I let this strange guy get into my car. Told him where to turn. What way to take me home. And on the way he asked me what drugs I was on. I told him nothing, I don't fucking do drugs. Told him I've been working for three days straight. He replied that it wouldn't be a good enough of an excuse if the cops would have come. He told me that he had been drinking, and this was how I should drive when I'm drunk. Nice and slow. I clenched my teeth and hoped to some higher power above that I would get home alive. Even if it was just up the street. His wife pulled up into my driveway after him. The guy wanted me to give him my phone number to "make sure I was alright later on". I told him I was only 17. He told me it's a good thing the car accident didn't happen, because my parents would have been devestated. He got out of my car and gave me my keys. I ran over to my door, crying, and unlocked it. He drove away with his wife. I slammed the door shut and just sobbed. Wept harder than I had been in the car. Never felt so happy to be home in my life. Never felt more frightened...
Ran into my parents room. Collapsed into my mom's arms and told her everything. I don't think I've seen my parents to grateful to see me ever. My mom cried. I cried more. Finally convinced them I was alright. Had a glass of water. I was probably dehydrated. I hadn't had anything to drink since the morning... I don't know. All I know is that I'm glad I'm not lying in a hospital somewhere.
Megan called. She had no idea what happened. I told her.
I'm still scared. It was horrifying. Seeing those headlights coming. Having this strange older man drive me home. I don't even know what was going through my head at that moment. Thinking back, I just wish someone had been with me. So I wouldn't have had to ride the two miles to my house with this strange older man who scared the shit out of me even more than the almost-car-accident had.
Fuck. That's all I have to say. Fuck.
I left with Megan after convincing my mother I was alright. We parked downtown. Walked around. I got a cup of coffee. Walked back over toward JC Penny's where Andrew, Josh (Art Boy), and a bunch of others were on the roof, out of Nigel's apartment. So Art Boy Josh came down to show us the way up. Nigel, Andrew, Chrystianna, Joe, Lisa, Dan and a few others I didn't really know were there. I don't think I caught anyone else's name either.
Megan and I talked with Josh and Chrystianna most of the time we were there. It was a lot of fun. I had a good time. It calmed me down lots. Megan and Josh were flirting the whole time. It was pretty cute. Everyone likes Megan. She always seems to fit right in. I just kind of sit there. Waiting to be talked to. Like a moron.
I have to work tomorrow. From 4:00-11:45/12:00ish. I just can't wait. I'm working with Caleb though. For about two hours. So at least it's two hours of someone to talk to.
I hate the mood I'm in. I want to be happy. I want to be giggley and bouncy like Megan was tonight. No idea why, but it was nice to see. At least someone's happy.
Kyle was going to come tonight. Called Megan at the last minute to say he wasn't because he has to work tomorrow morning. The situation with him has gotten so bad that I was very relieved to find out he wasn't going to be there. Then I wouldn't have to keep my distance and worry about trying to stay away from him so he wouldn't be uncomfortable. If I just stay away, then he won't be stressed out about having to avoid me. How twisted is that? I'm staying out of his way so he doesn't have to go through the stressful trouble of avoiding me. That's insane.
I'm not feeling very well right now. This was such a bad day. And seeing all of those fireworks, alone in Harbor Springs, made me miss Melissa terribly. I've been missing her lots lately. Probably because of the great 4th of July we had last year. And Bliss Fest is coming up. And this is the time she was supposed to be able to come home for about a week... I don't even know if she's allowed to anymore... or if she is allowed, if she's allowed to see me... I just don't know. If not, then I will only be able to see her in December when she officially comes home... I mis her so god damn much. No one seems to understand it, and I hate that. I have no one to talk to about it. No one to lean on their shoulder and cry my eyes out. Because that's all I want to do.
As you probably know, I didn't get to hang out with Josh today. (*NOTE*: I know three Josh's and usually mention each of them in some entry or another. Josh #1: The Josh I like. The one that lived with Andrew and Dannon until they moved out. Josh #2: the Josh I go to school with. Josh #3: Art Boy Josh. The very awesome one we hung out with tonight on the roof of JC Penny's at Nigel's apartment.) But, yeah. I didn't get to see him. I was hoping I'd see him tonight, especially after the shit day/evening I had. But no go. I didn't get to. I gave him my number after he asked for it, but I doubt anything will ever happen from it. And I doubt we'll ever get to hang out, especially since Andrew and Dannon moved out. It sucks. I like him a lot. *Again, stupid teenage girl.*
I just wish I still had someone who's arms I could've crawled into tonight and cry to. Because I still can't believe the whole car situation with the man. And the shitty day I had. I just want to erase July 4, 2005 from memory. Like the delete button on the keyboard... July 4, 2005? What? There was no July 4, 2005....
I feel so alone right now. I have all night. Ever since I got off of work. Like it's just me. No one else. Even if they're right beside me. Just solitary Nina Lisa right here. Alone.
I had a bowl of cereal today. And a banana. That's too much. It's way too much. I have to restrict. I have to eat less. I'm blowing up like a balloon. I'm looking worse and worse each day. I know I'm gaining weight. I can tell. And it will just be confirmed when I go in for my doctor's appointment on the 15th. I don't know what I'll do afterwards. Probably lock myself in my car and cry. And then feel like running forever. I hate food. I hate food. I hate food. I'm a diet failure. If someone looked at me today I can honestly bet you they wouldn't believe me when they found out I was in the hospital almost a year ago for my eating disorder....
I know I wouldn't.
"Driving in your car, miss the stop sign, fall in love, just to get knocked down on summer's edge and drown me..."
.: Nina Lisa Julie Bean :.
Let me explain.
I went to work today at 5:00. Turned out I was the only busser on tonight.
I got my tips from last night. Made $58. Nice.
We had a table of twelve tonight.
The table of six was the last fucking table to leave.
I spilled a water glass on me.
I got out of work at 10:30-ish instead of 9:00-9:30 like I was supposed to.
I missed most of the fireworks. I ended up watching them alone at the top of the bluff in Harbor Springs, surrounded by many groups of friends and families all saying the trivial, "oooh" and "ahhhh". There were a bunch of shit-head trees in the way. Could barely see the fireworks as it was.
Waited for Megan at my car. We went back to her place to get her car.
We started driving back to my house. Lost Megan on the way there. Found out it was because she had a problem with her car, which was fixed soon after by Shaun and Will. And I know everyone wants to know the best fucking part of my night. Oh believe me, it's classic.
I narrowly missed being in a horrible car accident. Being the cause of the horrible car accident as well. I was driving up the hill on Division Rd. when I got extremely dizzy. You know, the kind of dizzy where you just have to shut your eyes for a moment to let it pass? Well, since I was driving, that wasn't possible. So I was fucking dizzy for a few moments. And in those few moments, my car swerved into the other lane. Into oncoming traffic. I swerved back over into my lane just before a car hit me head on. God, I was shaking so hard. I couldn't believe it. I pulled over into the parking lot at the pet store/bike place at the light. To make sure I was okay and able to finish my drive up the street home. Also to allow my hands to stop fucking shaking so badly. It was terrible. It's horribly disturbing even when I think of it now. I keep seeing those headlights coming towards me. I'm a very lucky person. If I hadn't have swerved back over, it would've been very bad.
I stayed at the parking lot for a few minutes. I wanted to make sure I was alright enough to drive up the street home. I couldn't believe how dizzy I got. But as I was backing up to get back onto the road, I see this guy come running at me. This big huge muscley guy in a wife-beater tank top. He told me to get out of my car and he'd drive me home. I just kind of looked at him funny. He told me again, get out of my car and he'd drive me home. I told him I was fine. He told me I shouldn't be driving drunk. That's when I started to cry. I told him I wasn't drunk. I don't fucking drink at all. He told me over and over to get out of my car so he could drive me home. More tears spilled out of my stupid eyes. Finally I just got out of my car. Walked over to the passenger side. That was only after his wife pulled up in her car to follow us. I don't know why I did it. It was a horribly stupid thing to do. But at that moment, I didn't fucking care. I didn't care that I could've been raped, or killed, or kidnapped. I just wanted to go to sleep forever. So I let this strange guy get into my car. Told him where to turn. What way to take me home. And on the way he asked me what drugs I was on. I told him nothing, I don't fucking do drugs. Told him I've been working for three days straight. He replied that it wouldn't be a good enough of an excuse if the cops would have come. He told me that he had been drinking, and this was how I should drive when I'm drunk. Nice and slow. I clenched my teeth and hoped to some higher power above that I would get home alive. Even if it was just up the street. His wife pulled up into my driveway after him. The guy wanted me to give him my phone number to "make sure I was alright later on". I told him I was only 17. He told me it's a good thing the car accident didn't happen, because my parents would have been devestated. He got out of my car and gave me my keys. I ran over to my door, crying, and unlocked it. He drove away with his wife. I slammed the door shut and just sobbed. Wept harder than I had been in the car. Never felt so happy to be home in my life. Never felt more frightened...
Ran into my parents room. Collapsed into my mom's arms and told her everything. I don't think I've seen my parents to grateful to see me ever. My mom cried. I cried more. Finally convinced them I was alright. Had a glass of water. I was probably dehydrated. I hadn't had anything to drink since the morning... I don't know. All I know is that I'm glad I'm not lying in a hospital somewhere.
Megan called. She had no idea what happened. I told her.
I'm still scared. It was horrifying. Seeing those headlights coming. Having this strange older man drive me home. I don't even know what was going through my head at that moment. Thinking back, I just wish someone had been with me. So I wouldn't have had to ride the two miles to my house with this strange older man who scared the shit out of me even more than the almost-car-accident had.
Fuck. That's all I have to say. Fuck.
I left with Megan after convincing my mother I was alright. We parked downtown. Walked around. I got a cup of coffee. Walked back over toward JC Penny's where Andrew, Josh (Art Boy), and a bunch of others were on the roof, out of Nigel's apartment. So Art Boy Josh came down to show us the way up. Nigel, Andrew, Chrystianna, Joe, Lisa, Dan and a few others I didn't really know were there. I don't think I caught anyone else's name either.
Megan and I talked with Josh and Chrystianna most of the time we were there. It was a lot of fun. I had a good time. It calmed me down lots. Megan and Josh were flirting the whole time. It was pretty cute. Everyone likes Megan. She always seems to fit right in. I just kind of sit there. Waiting to be talked to. Like a moron.
I have to work tomorrow. From 4:00-11:45/12:00ish. I just can't wait. I'm working with Caleb though. For about two hours. So at least it's two hours of someone to talk to.
I hate the mood I'm in. I want to be happy. I want to be giggley and bouncy like Megan was tonight. No idea why, but it was nice to see. At least someone's happy.
Kyle was going to come tonight. Called Megan at the last minute to say he wasn't because he has to work tomorrow morning. The situation with him has gotten so bad that I was very relieved to find out he wasn't going to be there. Then I wouldn't have to keep my distance and worry about trying to stay away from him so he wouldn't be uncomfortable. If I just stay away, then he won't be stressed out about having to avoid me. How twisted is that? I'm staying out of his way so he doesn't have to go through the stressful trouble of avoiding me. That's insane.
I'm not feeling very well right now. This was such a bad day. And seeing all of those fireworks, alone in Harbor Springs, made me miss Melissa terribly. I've been missing her lots lately. Probably because of the great 4th of July we had last year. And Bliss Fest is coming up. And this is the time she was supposed to be able to come home for about a week... I don't even know if she's allowed to anymore... or if she is allowed, if she's allowed to see me... I just don't know. If not, then I will only be able to see her in December when she officially comes home... I mis her so god damn much. No one seems to understand it, and I hate that. I have no one to talk to about it. No one to lean on their shoulder and cry my eyes out. Because that's all I want to do.
As you probably know, I didn't get to hang out with Josh today. (*NOTE*: I know three Josh's and usually mention each of them in some entry or another. Josh #1: The Josh I like. The one that lived with Andrew and Dannon until they moved out. Josh #2: the Josh I go to school with. Josh #3: Art Boy Josh. The very awesome one we hung out with tonight on the roof of JC Penny's at Nigel's apartment.) But, yeah. I didn't get to see him. I was hoping I'd see him tonight, especially after the shit day/evening I had. But no go. I didn't get to. I gave him my number after he asked for it, but I doubt anything will ever happen from it. And I doubt we'll ever get to hang out, especially since Andrew and Dannon moved out. It sucks. I like him a lot. *Again, stupid teenage girl.*
I just wish I still had someone who's arms I could've crawled into tonight and cry to. Because I still can't believe the whole car situation with the man. And the shitty day I had. I just want to erase July 4, 2005 from memory. Like the delete button on the keyboard... July 4, 2005? What? There was no July 4, 2005....
I feel so alone right now. I have all night. Ever since I got off of work. Like it's just me. No one else. Even if they're right beside me. Just solitary Nina Lisa right here. Alone.
I had a bowl of cereal today. And a banana. That's too much. It's way too much. I have to restrict. I have to eat less. I'm blowing up like a balloon. I'm looking worse and worse each day. I know I'm gaining weight. I can tell. And it will just be confirmed when I go in for my doctor's appointment on the 15th. I don't know what I'll do afterwards. Probably lock myself in my car and cry. And then feel like running forever. I hate food. I hate food. I hate food. I'm a diet failure. If someone looked at me today I can honestly bet you they wouldn't believe me when they found out I was in the hospital almost a year ago for my eating disorder....
I know I wouldn't.
"Driving in your car, miss the stop sign, fall in love, just to get knocked down on summer's edge and drown me..."
.: Nina Lisa Julie Bean :.